Would you and other counsel consider adding a coach and/or a financial
neutral? Such professionals could well assist you in bridging the
gaps....
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Attorney at Law
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On May 30, 2012, at 2:43 PM, Andrea Hirshman wrote:
Dear Colleagues,
I’m looking for some assistance in how to handle a situation that feels difficult to me but seems less so to my collaborative counterpart. Husband and Wife, UK citizens, are trying to work out a parenting plan that will provide meaningful relationship between hands on dad and two daughters in spite of Mother’s relocation to UK. Dad has accepted that Mother is miserable here and does not want her to feel like prisoner and therefore is agreeable to her relocating. His job has a London satellite office which he can work out of one week per month – however, his employer says that relocating his job there full time is not an option. Parents are confident that they can work out some parenting plan that will meet everyone’s needs. However, Father will not agree to the relocation until the financials are worked out because he wants to know that he will be able to financially afford the parenting plan in place. For example, if he has to fly to the UK once a month, he needs to know that he will have sufficient money to support that plan. Also, he wants to have a flat in the UK so that the girls feel like they have a home. He feels stability would be compromised if they were coming to a hotel room. Mother would like to put a parenting plan in place, sign it, and then take off even if the financial matters are not yet settled – with her promise that she will continue to negotiate the financial terms. Father has lost trust in the Mother for various reasons and will not agree to the relocation until a written agreement is in place. When this became clear, the Wife’s attorney in agreement with her client’s claims, told Husband that she saw his use of the Mother’s inability to relocate without his permission to leverage the situation to get all the financial agreem ents that he wanted. The Husband, who remains cool as a cucumber, asked his wife’s attorney what she meant and she reiterated. He explained that his UK collaborative attorney told him that without a written agreement, if he agreed to his wife’s relocation, she could open the whole matter up in the UK courts. The case is somewhat complicated by the fact that right before entering collaborative law, the Wife started an action in the UK courts regarding the financials of the marriage – in hopes that a decision regarding the home they’ve built there would be made in her favor. The husband filed in NY immediately after and moved in the UK for dismissal for lack of jurisdiction. Both cases are on hold.
At the end of the meeting, my client and I debriefed and he was furious at the other attorney – felt attacked and felt there was no need for him to feel that from more than his wife. After my debrief with my client, the other attorney and I debriefed and I shared that my client felt attack and was very upset. I shared some of what he said the other attorney felt as if I was just saying it to humiliate her – turn the screw. I apologized and said that I was sharing in the hope that we could discuss how to address the situation. We discussed the substance a bit more to better understand where she was coming from and she didn’t realize that my client was concerned that the Wife would relocate and then try to use the UK courts for the financial relief she seeks. Wife’s Attorney offered that the Agreement could include a provision that NY law would be applied. I asked whether she thought some sort of acknowledgment of her misunderstanding, or an apology would be in order to which she replied that since she was writing the minutes, she would draft them in a way that will &n bsp;address the situation - she’ll include her new understandi ng in the minutes. I’ve read the draft minutes and feel they do not adequately address the situation.
After receiving the draft minutes, my client wrote me an email explaining how he felt and reflecting on the session. I wrote the Wife’s attorney wondering whether we could talk a bit more about the dynamic between her and my client, informing her of my client’s email, and suggested sharing it with her so we could figure out together how to use his reflections to make the process even stronger. The Wife’s attorney responded that she is feeling somewhat managed by me and feels that she and my client should work it out themselves at the next session. I’m feeling stifled. I feel like an apology is in order to restore my client’s trust in the process and in the Wife’s attorney. My hope is that the other attorney would in the beginning explain her misunderstanding and apologize for lashing out. Clearly, the other attorney is opposed to the idea of making an apology of sort. I’m not sure why? Is it that it feels humiliating to her (and my goal is not to humiliate her – I don’t view apologizing for a mistake as reason for humiliation – I view it as strength of character)…Or is it that she feels an apology would not be helpful? Is it best to remain silent and let the chips fall where they fall at the next meeting – if my client is brave enough to say something? Where does that leave me with my client? Do I tell my client to email the Wife’s attorney directly? Will he wonder why I am not having the conversation with the other attorney? Do I tell him that I tried and that the other attorney did not want to discuss it with anyone except him? Does that look like I’m not behind him? A nd so on, and so on. Any insights would be so so appreciated.< o>
Thank you.
Collaboratively yours,
Andrea
Andrea Hirshman, Esq.
Law & Mediation Offices of Andrea Hirshman
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