Andrea, how were they referred to collaborative ? If they were represented
by separate litigation counsel in UK and/or NY before they started with you
and the other atty, maybe the referral sources (family counselor, perhaps ?)
could help and/or give insight. Are there coaches or "relationship
specialists" for the parents? If not, maybe time to bring them in. Usually
for parents, but many coaches talk about how they assist with atty behavior
and communication as well. Maybe you could get Mom and her counsel to do
"empathy" exercise by articulating why Dad should be comfortable that Mom
will proceed in good faith to resolve financial issues once she is in UK and
has (as Dad perceives it) everything she wants.
To address the merits, how would Mom make it while financials are pending ?
Does she have enough income on her own ? Maybe Mom could agree to move out
of her "flat" for Dad's week in UK till further agreement or court order.
Dad could stay there. That way, the kids would not have to move 1/mo,
duplicate or transport their wardrobe, etc. That would also tend to
equalize having skin in the game for resolving financial issues. How old are
kids? School age ? If relo agreement conditional upon having a financial
agreement in place by a good stopping point in the UK school year, see if UK
counsel believes that would be enforceable. If so, there could be a year or
partial year of a different school if it does not work out, but maybe
negatives offset by the kids' having the international experience.
Let us know how it turns out.
Best regards,
Bonnie M. Brown
Attorney at Law
Suite 1260, Meidinger Tower
462 South Fourth Street
Louisville, KY 40202 - 3500
U.S.A.
(502) 589 - 4600 telephone
(502) 584 - 0422 facsimile
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From: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf
Of Andrea Hirshman
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012 2:43 PM
To: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [CollabLaw] Process Snag
Dear Colleagues,
I'm looking for some assistance in how to handle a situation that feels
difficult to me but seems less so to my collaborative counterpart. Husband
and Wife, UK citizens, are trying to work out a parenting plan that will
provide meaningful relationship between hands on dad and two daughters in
spite of Mother's relocation to UK. Dad has accepted that Mother is
miserable here and does not want her to feel like prisoner and therefore is
agreeable to her relocating. His job has a London satellite office which he
can work out of one week per month - however, his employer says that
relocating his job there full time is not an option. Parents are confident
that they can work out some parenting plan that will meet everyone's needs.
However, Father will not agree to the relocation unti! l the financials are
worked out because he wants to know that he will be able to financially
afford the parenting plan in place. For example, if he has to fly to the UK
once a month, he needs to know that he will have sufficient money to support
that plan. Also, he wants to have a flat in the UK so that the girls feel
like they have a home. He feels stability would be compromised if they were
coming to a hotel room. Mother would like to put a parenting plan in
place, sign it, and then take off even if the financial matters are not yet
settled - with her promise that she will continue to negotiate the financial
terms. Father has lost trust in the Mother for various reasons and will not
agree to the relocation until a written agreement is in place. When this
became clear, the Wife's attorney in agreement with her client's claims,
told Husband that she saw his use of the Mother's inability to relocate
without hi! s permission to leverage the situation to get all the financial
agreem ents that he wanted. The Husband, who remains cool as a cucumber,
asked his wife's attorney what she meant and she reiterated. He explained
that his UK collaborative attorney told him that without a written
agreement, if he agreed to his wife's relocation, she could open the whole
matter up in the UK courts. The case is somewhat complicated by the fact
that right before entering collaborative law, the Wife started an action in
the UK courts regarding the financials of the marriage - in hopes that a
decision regarding the home they've built there would be made in her favor.
The husband filed in NY immediately after and moved in the UK for dismissal
for lack of jurisdiction. Both cases are on hold.
At the end of the meeting, my client and I debriefed and he was furious at
the other attorney - felt attacked and felt there was no need for him to!
feel that from more than his wife. After my debrief with my client, the
other attorney and I debriefed and I shared that my client felt attack and
was very upset. I shared some of what he said the other attorney felt as if
I was just saying it to humiliate her - turn the screw. I apologized and
said that I was sharing in the hope that we could discuss how to address the
situation. We discussed the substance a bit more to better understand where
she was coming from and she didn't realize that my client was concerned that
the Wife would relocate and then try to use the UK courts for the financial
relief she seeks. Wife's Attorney offered that the Agreement could include
a provision that NY law would be applied. I asked whether she thought some
sort of acknowledgment of her misunderstanding, or an apology would be in
order to which she replied that since she was writing the minutes, she would
draft them in a way that will ! address the situation - she'll include her
new understandi ng in the minutes. I've read the draft minutes and feel
they do not adequately address the situation.
After receiving the draft minutes, my client wrote me an email explaining
how he felt and reflecting on the session. I wrote the Wife's attorney
wondering whether we could talk a bit more about the dynamic between her and
my client, informing her of my client's email, and suggested sharing it with
her so we could figure out together how to use his reflections to make the
process even stronger. The Wife's attorney responded that she is feeling
somewhat managed by me and feels that she and my client should work it out
themselves at the next session. I'm feeling stifled. I feel like an
apology is in order to restore my client's trust in the process and in the
Wife's attorney. My hope is that the other attorne! y would in the
beginning explain her misunderstanding and apologize for lashing out.
Clearly, the other attorney is opposed to the idea of making an apology of
sort. I'm not sure why? Is it that it feels humiliating to her (and my
goal is not to humiliate her - I don't view apologizing for a mistake as
reason for humiliation - I view it as strength of character).Or is it that
she feels an apology would not be helpful? Is it best to remain silent and
let the chips fall where they fall at the next meeting - if my client is
brave enough to say something? Where does that leave me with my client? Do
I tell my client to email the Wife's attorney directly? Will he wonder why
I am not having the conversation with the other attorney? Do I tell him
that I tried and that the other attorney did not want to discuss it with
anyone except him? Does that look like I'm not behind him? ! And so on, and
so on. Any insights would be so so appreciated.< o>
Thank you.
Collaboratively yours,
Andrea
Andrea Hirshman, Esq.
Law & Mediation Offices of Andrea Hirshman
Main Office & Mailing Address:
30 Ocean Parkway Suite 3F
Brooklyn, N.Y. 11218
917-969-6416
Familymediationmatters.com
Andrea.hirshman@xxxxxxxxx
Manhattan Satellite Office for Appointments
225 Broadway Suite 2510
New York, NY 10007
