I told Mimo we are having Hereabouts folk to dinner. Immediately regretted the
slip. “What’s Hereabouts?” Truth is I haven’t told her that you all listen
in. I don’t feel bad about it; I’m sure she’d love to know she has a larger
audience. It’s just that she might start playing to the crowd, take on airs,
puff herself up even more. I mean, consider this earlier instance. I rounded
a corner and she was saying, out loud, “Vulnerable.”
“Who is?”
“Vul…ner…able. It’s a lovely word.”
“Is it?”
Mimo, “So sonorous, they named someone that.”
“Vulnerable?”
“I met him, The Vulnerable Bede. Seemed nice enough in an inky sort of way.
Bit, you know, High Church.”
“High Church? Where do you get these descriptors?”
Mimo, “List of them on the wall of the cludgie.”
“You use an outdoor toilet? With walls?”
“No, no. I just pop along to read the list. Fellow named Luther puts a new
one up every week.”
“Well,” I said, “that answers a question I had.”
“About Luther?”
“Philomena Cunk asked, ‘Why were people so interested in conquering the sky?
There’s not even anywhere to sit.’ You say there’s a cludgie. Bit odd when
beings don’t have body functions.”
“I didn’t say it was a *working* cludgie. More like a landmark.”
“Turn left at the toilet and carry on till you hit the ring roads of Saturn?”
Mimo became evasive, “That sort of thing, yes... I’ve also met Pope Bonny
Face.”
“Which one? There were at least eight.”
“Were they in a jazz band or something. The Bonny Face Octet?”
“Another gem from the wall of the cludgie—octet? I think you’ll find that
Bendetto Caetani, who was somehow involved in the First War of Scottish
Independence, took the name Boniface VIII?”
Mimo, “You’re just looking for an excuse to sing that thing about Proud
Edward’s Army?”
“Any excuse. It’s such fun to sing. Did you know it was composed in the
1960’s? I was gobsmacked. I thought it was old.”
“The Scottish National Anthem was composed in the 1960’s?”
“By the Corries. Yup. Not old at all:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flower_of_Scotland ;
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flower_of_Scotland> Change of subject, did you
ever hear of chickens being useful in cases of snakebite?”
Mimo, “In a managerial capacity?”
“I think it’s better you remain ignorant."
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5235677/?page=1 ;
<https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5235677/?page=1>
“Now there’s an ugly word.”
“What?”
“Ignorant.”
“Well the g is a little hard to explain. *Gnarus* to be aware of, or
acquainted with, is the Latin root. Seems to have a silent letter at the
front, like Psmith.”
Turned up for my blood donation appointment a couple of minutes early, which is
my version of on time. The place looked crowded, all three beds full, two
people waiting. How could this be when mine was the only 1:15 appointment.
Got on with the online check-in...found that it wasn’t working on my phone.
After half an hour, went back to see the receptionist, asked, “What’s with the
scheduling?”
“Well that’s on me. It’s my first day and I accepted two walk-ins… and the
woman they’ve just taken, she was the appointment after you. I’m very sorry.
I hope they won’t fire me from this volunteer position."
What can you say? All in a good cause.
The two walk-ins turned out to be an older couple, possibly staying at the
motel where the blood drive was being helf. Let’s imagine they were Ukranian.
One of the purposes of the Hereabouts is to spread joy, and what could be more
joyful than the idea of Ukrainians on holiday?
“Vot shall we do for entertainment this afternoon?”
“How about ve gif blood?”
“Good idea.”
(You’ll notice they sound like people out of Daniel Pinkwater’s book Wempires?
Why not, eh?)
Unfortunately old veins don’t give up the stuff very quickly. When they
finally opened a hole in my vein it took four and a half minutes to fill the
pint container. The older couple both took half an hour, so my appointment
lasted…a while.
But as I settled in they played, “Come on Eileen." To refresh your memory:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps_d5_JC6i0 ;
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps_d5_JC6i0>
Excellent bleeding music, I call it.
Afterwards I hie’d me to an old-fashioned hardware store, showed the rubbing
I’d done of the bolt in the garage door that needed a nut. He supplied one for
thirty cents. Earlier I’d paid, $1.37 in H Depot, for one the wrong size.
Since H Depot was on the road home I took the bad one back.
Or thought I did. Here’s where I may have made my bloomer. When I got home I
had the same size of nut, the one that was too small. It’s just possible that
I slipped the good one in the H Depot bag and returned that.
So, back to the hardware store I went, met another nice fellow, bought two more
nuts (the next size and the size after that) They were ninety cents and a
dollar 19. Each one a tiny bit bigger. Of course, it was a different person
doing the pricing. All I can say that nut prices are nuts.
But lo! One did fit; the job is done.
In celebration we play “Come on Eileen,” followed by “Flower of Scotland.”
Mimo and I dance around the imaginary cludgie. Before the guests arrive.
David Ritchie,
Portland, Oregon
