witty & funny! :-D
On 1/9/2016 9:13 PM, profdritchie@xxxxxxxxx wrote:
As is so often the case the story begins with a perfectly innocent beer. We were in a supermarket--I can't
remember the proximate cause; we were probably looking for fish (we've eaten practically nothing but fish all
week so if you want any problems solved, preferably involving aunts and silver cow creamers, I'm your
man)--and I wandered over to the manly aisle to see what local beers look like. Here was one reduced from
twelve dollars and some to four dollars and some. I picked it up, "Bolg" beer. According to the
bottle Bolg is an Orc, "spawn of Azog the Defiler." He keeps the dungeons of Dol Guldur. Some
marketing guy had decided that the best way to sell a Belgian tripel ale made in Washington...was to
associate it with an Orc who tortures dwarves and so on. Those of you who don't know Tolkein, both of you,
will need to be told that an Orc is a big beast which seems horrible and fierce and yet somehow loses every
battle to our heroes, who are a fraction of his size. So anyway, Belgian style beer...Orcs. I decided that
this was odd enough to be worth four dollars. I purchased said drink and then began to wonder why the lord
of the Rings series was not filmed on the Big Island of Hawaii. I mean, they have the mountain of doom, with
lava flowing. They have desolate lands that are next-to-impossible to cross. Staging a battle on hardened
lava would be a challenge. "No one move or you'll cut your feet." But the clincher should have
been that every place in Hawaii has a vowel surplus...just like Lord of the Rings.
The beer was great, so I hie'd me back for more. Ha! They'd let someone else
who knows beer onto the island. I had to settle for a stout called Smaug.
I came away with my iPad, which is fine for traveling except about every two seconds Apple asks if I want to
sign into the Cloud. I must have annoyed an algorithm, which I imagine to be some kind of dragon living near
the Mountain of Doom. We once went on vacation to Mexico. Outside our room there were crocodiles. I'm
guessing it was the same marketing people who took the beer contract. "Want to make the resort family
friendly? We usually recommend crocodiles." The was a big sign, "No molestare los
crocodilos," or words to that effect. I had no intention of molesting any such thing; it was the other
way about that bothered me. Anyway, all computers should now come with a warning label, "No molestare
Hobbit one, "Let's go look for the ring under the mountain."
Dwarf, "That will wake the Algorithm of Dworg."
Hobbit two, "I must visit the tinkling caverns of Waimeayahooya."
Gandalf, "You should have gone before we left."
Marketing Man, "Have a beer. Or a crocodile."
Smaug, "Sign into the Cloud."
The first publicity material for my next play came out while we've been away. Nothing
quite like publicity material to remind a writer that it's nearly time to finish writing.
Fortunately, while standing in the ocean's shallows and staring at nothing in
particular, I got into conversation with the other god, who is holidaying with us--yup
the chickens are entirely in the care of locums. There may be hell to pay when we
return, but we have talked of bribing them with offers of yacht club membership.
(Chickens here seem to belong to yacht clubs). Anyway in the shallows E. suggested a
solution to the problem that has been bugging me about the play--I have no idea how to
write in a nineteenth century Ohio voice. E. suggested the Eddie Izzard solution, which
is to have God and Noah and so on be voiced by James Mason and Sean Connery and so on,
voices Izzard can "do." So look out for General Grant as played by Michael
Caine. Lee will be played by someone from Kentucky. I know what that sounds like.
Boy that Smaug's good. So good I'll plug the maker, Fish Brewing of Olympia,
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