[projectaon] Re: 02smr Comment Period

  • From: Jonathan Blake <jonathan.blake@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: Project Aon List <projectaon@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Wed, 8 Apr 2015 11:17:56 -0700

On Sun, Apr 5, 2015 at 10:15 AM, Benjamin Krefetz <krefetz@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:


On Sun, Apr 5, 2015 at 12:34 PM, Simon Osborne <outspaced@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
wrote:

On 04/04/2015 00:17, Jonathan Blake wrote:

Right, let's get Slaughter Mountain Run out the door. Over the next
week, ending next Thursday, April 9, please take another look at the
book to see if we've missed anything so far. Report back and we'll try
to get it sorted out.

(er) 1: Cutter stares at you in silence then, begrudgingly, he nods ->
Cutter stares at you in silence, and then, begrudgingly, he nods

In the interest of making a less-intrusive change, I would propose: Cutter
stares at you in silence; then, begrudgingly, he nods

I've been resisting the urge when possible to use semicolons in the
gamebooks because they seem too formal.

How about we split this into two sentences? "Cutter stares at you in
silence. Begrudgingly, he nods in agreement." The word "then" isn't
doing much for the sentence anyway.

(er) 45: the first of Mad Dog’s men enter the observation room -> the
first of Mad Dog’s men enters the observation room

I think it's acceptable to read the original as "the first [few] of Mad
Dog's men enter the observation room", which would make the original ok
as-is.

I agree with with you here, Ben. At first I thought "first" referred
to a single man, but it doesn't need to.

(er) 85: collapsed long ago, all, that is, except-> collapsed long ago:
all, that is, except [so: Or, collapsed long ago--all, that is, except]

I vote for the em dash. A colon doesn't feel right when the second part
contradicts the first part rather than expanding on it.

Agree with the dash.

(er) 98: [Is the Signal Flare a Backpack Item (and therefore might cause a
Stealth penalty)? If so we should add "(Add the Signal Flare to your
<link>Action Chart</link>.)" ]

And if it's not a Backpack Item, we should probably change it to "signal
flare" and have a parenthetical note telling the reader they don't need to
mark it.

You get to 98 from 114 which asks if you possess a Signal Flare, so we
should probably stay consistent with that and make it explicitly an
item here.

(er) 214: fire then, as the footsteps -> fire. Then, as the footsteps

Propose "fire; then"

See above. How about removing "then"?

"You check that your G-12 is 'safety off' and set to burst fire. As
the footsteps halt, you rise up from your hiding place and open fire."

(er) 328: heavy machine guns and the like -> heavy machine guns, and the
like [so: does this function like a serial comma use?]

Depends whether we think "and the like" modifies "heavy machine guns" or
"munitions". In the former case, we can leave as-is. In the latter case, we
should probably put in a serial comma.

It seems most natural to me to think of this as equivalent to "etc."
and therefore expanding on "munitions". I vote for serial comma.

Thanks, Ben.

--
Jon

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