[lit-ideas] Sunday Something
- From: David Ritchie <profdritchie@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sun, 22 Mar 2015 10:52:00 -0700
In the wee hours, as it were, I find the trick to having a pee is keeping one's
eyes shut. I try to sleep through the entire process, relying on touch for
guidance. I was following protocol thus. Having located the bowl, I'm getting
ready to let go stream, when this half thought comes to me, "The toilet seems
fuller than it should be somehow..." I open my eyes and squint through the
dark. Off go mental klaxons, "Achtung, stopper das chopper." The bowl is
stuffed with supping cat. He looks round. "What?" As if he owned the house.
To treat liminality my friend recommends Chiropractic of the Mind, out by Bend.
Of course the stretch of yoga or Tai Chi
followed by a nice dish of chamomile tea
is fine for quotidian need,
but from time to time
a period of desert tranquility,
forty days and nights of empty gazing
ended by a short, sharp, "crack..."
like the noise made by a burning bush…
that’s the speed.
When you come to your senses,
you’ll be right there,
thoroughly prepared to prophet.
It’s not covered by insurance
and you could probably get the same thing for free at Burning Man,
but look online
under "adjustment."
If you tell them I sent you, they may waive the initiation fee.
Appenzeller turned broody this week. I asked her what gave her the idea that
eggs might be worth sitting on?
"Well," she explained, "a notion popped into my head that possession is nine
tenths of the law. My idea is that if anyone pops a gold one, she who sits on
the nest is most likely to be able to claim ownership."
"It's not going to happen."
"Can you suggest a better use of my time?"
"People do say that survival is a matter of keeping fit."
"I eat a varied diet."
"I'm sure you do but is it enough?"
"Immortality is not the goal. Being rich is."
"What does ownership of a golden egg mean exactly?"
"The point of being rich is to have something others do not. When a god
distributes bread, is it hunger that drives us to scrabble and fight? Of
course not. What we want is to have more than anyone else."
"But at night you all sleep on the same pole; you all eat out of the same
aluminum feeder; you all drink from the same water device."
"A golden egg would make a lot of difference?"
"Particularly if I wasn't the one who laid it."
"That would make ownership better?"
"Abso-bloody-lutely."
Mimo asked, "What was she like, this eagle of whom you speak?"
"I've no idea whether it was a he or a she."
"You can't tell the sex of a bird? Ladies, listen...the god's not good at sex!"
They were amazed, "Whaaaaat?"
Mimo elaborated, "Can't tell a male eagle from a female!"
Peccorino, "'strawdinry."
Rocky, "Shall we give lessons in how to recognize a rooster?"
Cheddar appeared to have forgotten, "We've never seen one."
Rocky, "Have too. Don't you remember the bugger?"
Cheddar, "Memories are like eggs; only some are worth sitting on."
Mimo, "Good riddance."
I offered, "... speaking of sex!"
Appenzeller joined in, "Jumping on your back when you're having a quiet stroll?
Bloody animal he was."
Cheddar, "You can't exist outside Nature. It's the Law. Wensleydale said so."
Rocky asked, "Where is she, by the way?"
Cheddar, "She's joined the choir invisible."
Mimo, "The what?"
Cheddar repeated, "The choir insivisble."
Appenzeller, "Cart before the horse, that is. The invisible choir."
Cheddar, "Sounds better the way I said it."
Rocky, "Does not."
Cheddar, "Does too."
Mimo, "We were discussing eagles."
Rocky, "Don't like the sound of them."
Cheddar, "Except in golf."
Mimo, "In what?"
Cheddar, "You remember golf? You kick an egg out of the coop? Tee to green."
Appenzeller, "All those in favor of keeping eggs inside the coop."
Rocky, "What if they're gold? Where should such an egg be kept?"
I offered, "In a bunker?"
"Good idea. We should practice," Cheddar suggested, "so that when the golden
egg does arrive, we can golf it into the bunker."
Peccorino, "What do eagles eat?"
My mind was working on how to dissuade them from taking up golf, "Oh, I don't
know, cornflakes probably..."
Rocky nodded, "Very sound. We should invite an eagle over."
"No."
"No what?"
"I don't think you should."
"Why?"
I lifted their food bucket and gave it a shake, "They're hot stuff in golf."
David Ritchie,
Portland, Oregon
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