> [Original Message] > From: John McCreery <john.mccreery@xxxxxxxxx> > To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> > Date: 12/24/2005 9:19:23 AM > Subject: [lit-ideas] Re: A Question REALLY Answered > > I wonder how many problems that couples have are due to (1) > self-deluding fantasies and (2) self-fulfilling prophecies. I also think people ask too much of each other. That might be the self-deluding fantasy part that you mention. People who > wish that infaturation could last forever and expect relationships to > sour are, in the words of my Dad "cruisin' for a bruisin'. I'm not sure if people expect a relationship to sour. It might be that after the infatuation inevitably ends that some people have the ability to transition into reality; others don't. I remember when Tom Cruise fell in love with his latest and she said they would be in love forever. I have heard that statistically people who live together before marriage are less likely to be successfully married than people who don't live together before marriage. An explanation might be that people who live together aren't committed to the marriage, only to their own happiness. It's as if people care about the parts, but not the sum of the parts. In a good marriage, all three entities are equally important. An > interesting sociological puzzle is why some families survive their > rocky passages and achieve a history in which multiple generations > relationships endure while others fall apart with equal regularity. > > I am, of course, speaking as someone who is enjoying a remarkably > pleasant Christmas Eve with my wife and partner of 36 years and is the > child of parents who were still very much in love on their 60th > wedding anniversary. On my wife's side, her parents did separate > briefly but came back together. And all of our brothers (1 on my side > and 4 on hers) are still married to their original spouses. How did > this happen? And why doesn't it work for others? > My parents had a quintessentially bad marriage until my father died at 57 from a massive heart attack. I got married at 20 (feminism? what feminism?), Bill was 24. We'll be married 34 years next month. We kind of grew up along the way together. We're one of those couples I was talking about that if one spouse dies, the other dies of a broken heart. That's especially interesting since he's in NYC all week and I'm here in the house and we're only together on weekends and holidays. When he first started working in NYC, I cried for months, literally for months, every Sunday when he left. He, in true Mars/Venus fashion, was thrilled to be going off to his week. Eventually the novelty of the job and of being in NYC every day wore off and now I have to push him out of the house on Sundays. I also got over crying. His parents too didn't have a good marriage, even though they never divorced. Why it didn't work out for our parents but did work out for us, I don't know. My Joseph Campbell journey into the self certainly didn't hurt. It reduced a lot of my overexpectations of him. I think Fellini in La Dolce Vita captures a lot of the push/pull of marriage in the characters Marcello and his girlfriend. Marcello hates the girlfriend's mothering of him, yet he keeps going back to her. John Gray in the book Mars/Venus talks about that. Interestingly, Italians no longer marry at the rates they used to. > Any ideas? > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > To change your Lit-Ideas settings (subscribe/unsub, vacation on/off, > digest on/off), visit www.andreas.com/faq-lit-ideas.html ------------------------------------------------------------------ To change your Lit-Ideas settings (subscribe/unsub, vacation on/off, digest on/off), visit www.andreas.com/faq-lit-ideas.html