There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office,
hence the sign: “Dental office parking only. Violators will be extracted.”
My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan.
Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot
some birds. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby.
One turned to my father and said, “Do y’all put manure on your
strawberries?” My dad smiled, then responded, “I don’t know how you do
things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our
berries.”
A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an
acquaintance stopped at our table and said, “Hi, Ken. Can I join you?”
“Why, am I falling apart?” I replied.
Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found
their inner peas.
Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a
queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no
one else can fit in there with them.
A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. He
looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, “You must have
had a lot of husbands!”
I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my
two-year-old looked up and asked, “Who folded the moon?”
The anti-aging ad that I’d like to see…
Is a baby covered in cream, saying, “Ah! I’ve used too much!”
I was mugged twice last year. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in
50. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. The odds that I got
mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would
calculate those odds? One in 1.
I went to the butcher’s the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn’t
reach the meat on the top shelf. “No,” he responded. “The steaks are too
high.”
As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret,
with whom I bake cookies. During one visit, we were both busy with this
task when the phone rang. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she
felt the need to explain her absence to me: “My friend and I aren’t able
to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than
I am.”
At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate
for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a
case-by-case basis. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role,
and listed my actions and achievements.
“So, as you can see,” I said, “I’m doing a lot more than inflating at my
desk.”
I got the raise.
Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is
call patrons about their overdue items. One day I had to call someone
about a late book entitled Don’t Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory.
A friend who had just turned 50, and couldn’t quite deal with that fact,
was wearing a T-shirt that said, “I’m not 50! I’m 49.95.”
When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, “Yes, but
how much with tax?”
My parents sent me to school in Switzerland
There they taught me how to be neutral.
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in
shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.
One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were
having an argument. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, “Even
if you were an only child, you still wouldn’t be Mom and Dad’s favourite.”
While I was working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a
customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she
had left her sandwich there. I had spent some time looking for a
sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand
wedge.
One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the
plants outside the office.
I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!” He
replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.”
At the local hospital’s emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted
me with an ID wristband, “You’ve been bar-coded!”
I, being 72, added, “Long past the best-before date.”
“If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English,
press 2.” – Recording on an Australian tax help line
The problem with new jeans
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that wer
too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
Text support
We’ll we’ll we’ll…if it isn’t autocorrect.
Texts from Mom
Mom: How make chicken
Daughter: What?
Mom: Where buy chicken
Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google.
Mom: Avocado
After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our
daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for
alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores
and buys a lot of power tools.”
I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask
routine medical questions.
Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: When?
Me: 2011.
Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?
Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?
Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from
his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my
husband.
“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.
“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.
“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”
A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It
read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”
“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I
handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”
He shook his head. “Not yet.”
One is enough
While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only
weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that
one in favour of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t
need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”
Mom’s side of the car
In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his driver’s license. At
one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to
his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. “Sir! You didn’t
look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector.
My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “That’s Mum’s side.”
Bedside manner
After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office.
There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to
care for it. She then reassured him by adding, “Now, if you do
everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”
