It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, “Say thank
you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew.
Don’t lean back in your chair.” Just when I finally got my husband
squared away, the kids came along. —Erma Bombeck
A husband was building shelves in the bedroom and, intending to continue
his work the next day, left some tools on his wife's dresser, including
a hammer, screwdriver, and chisel.
The following morning, while she was in front of the dresser combing my
hair, my teenage daughter walked in.
“Hi, Mom,” she said, taking a look at the dresser. “Fixing your face?”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches.”
“He’s an athlete?”
“No—an architect.”
I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a
newspaper.
“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on
newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”
I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car
smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the
driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.”
“What on earth do you need an elephant for?”
“I don’t. I just need the money.”
At a Hollywood wedding reception, one woman remarked how lovely the star
looked as a bride, and another said sweetly, “Oh, she always does. She’s
thrown a bridal bouquet often enough to have pitched a nine-inning game.”
Two Hollywood children of oft-divorced parents got into an argument. As
it became more heated, one said, “My father can lick your father.”
“Are you kidding?” cried the other. “Your father is my father!”
When a psychiatrist began his psychiatric practice, his first patient
was a particularly good-looking young woman. he motioned for her to lie
down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that
it was part of the therapy procedure. Once on the couch, she smoothed
her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.
“Now then,” he asked, “how did your trouble begin?”
“Just like this,” she said.
On a visit to my doctor, I was pleasantly surprised to find that he had
installed taped music in the waiting room. As I sat there enjoying a
piano recording, I overheard an elderly lady say to her companion, “Just
like these young doctors—a crowded waiting room, and he’s in there
playing the piano!”
At weekly alumni meetings, the football coach shows the film of the most
recent game and holds a question-and-answer period afterward. One of the
alumni, who had played on the football team many years ago and had a son
on this year’s squad, posed a question concerning the defensive line.
“I’d like to know,” he said, “why our boys are so slow getting into the
opposition’s backfield after the ball is snapped.”
“Gosh, I’m not sure, Fred,” answered the coach. “But it could be
hereditary.”
One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made
of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied
thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn
but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a
half to walk out of the store.”
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you
been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
While a minister was making farewell visits before moving to a new
parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid him the compliment of
suggesting that his successor would not be as good as he had been.
“Nonsense,” he replied, flattered.
“No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different
ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.”
I was administering an achievement test to David, a precocious
six-year-old, and I began by asking him when his birthday was.
“February 20,” was his quick response.
Next I asked him, “What year, David?”
He looked at me quizzically at first and then hit upon the obvious
answer. “Every year,” he said.
“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife
happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it.”
Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse
news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”
“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”
The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and
plopped his one-year-old on his lap, just as the little boy began to cry
and fidget.
“That child is spoiled, isn’t he?” the old man remarked.
“No,” said the dad. “They all smell this way.”
“First, the doctor told me the good news. He said that I was going to
have a disease named after me.” - Steve Martin
“Hello, Reverend Smith? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is Samuel
Jones a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”
One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a
round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re
going to let him get away with this, God?”
The Lord shook his head.
The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420
yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was
outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”
The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”
I’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor’s. But when I
arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.
“Mom, we’ve got to go,” I interjected, but she couldn’t hear me over the
chatter. “Mom!” I repeated as I pulled her away.
“Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do,” she said, getting into the car.
“That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is
always so neatly combed?
I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help
matters when the admitting nurse absent-mindedly asked me, “Have you had
a hysterectomy before?”
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a
pint of beer, please,” he says.
“Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of
your head.”
I hang on to my old, beat-up appliances as long as they keep working. I
thought my wife shared, or at least accepted, my philosophy. But the
other morning, I saw a note posted in front of my 15-year-old
coffeemaker: “Jurassic Perk.”
“I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go,
because I’ve put on, like, a hundred pounds.”
Few people know what a quartermaster does. So during an aircraft
carrier’s Family Day, the officer in question demonstrated a procedure
called semaphore—he grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.
When finished, he pointed to a little girl in front and asked, “Now do
you know what I do?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re a cheerleader.”
The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if
your parachute malfunctions. They had just gotten to the part about
reserve parachutes when student raised his hand.
“If the main parachute malfunctions,” he said, “how long do we have to
deploy the reserve?”
Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, “The
rest of your life.”
--
Jacob Kruger
Skype: BlindZA
"Resistance is futile...acceptance is versatile..."
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