As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a
career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.
What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?
The space bar.
Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Where does Batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Why is it annoying to eat next to either basketball or soccer players?
They dribble all the time.
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
Rest in peace to boiling water.
You will be mist.
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
How do you throw a space party?
You planet.
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
It needed help figuring out its problems.
Why can’t male ants sink?
They’re buoy-ant.
Want to hear a construction joke?
Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Talk is cheap?
Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.
What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?
Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.
Where do you find a cow with no legs, or a motorcycle with no wheels?
Right where you left it.
What did one traffic light say to the other?
Stop looking! I’m changing!
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick!
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
Envelope.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
Because it has a million degrees!
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why is England the wettest country?
Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
What are shark’s two most favorite words?
Man overboard!
Where does the sheep get his hair cut?
The baa baa shop!
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because they are easy to see through.
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
How do trees get online?
They just log on!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted. Now that you’ve learned 101 new short
jokes to share with your
I don’t have a carbon footprint.
I just drive everywhere.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either
terrible news or great news.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have
you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want
children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and
we can drop them off tomorrow.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they
take a group photo.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
What rhymes with “boo” and stinks?
You.
“I work with animals,” the man says to his date.
“That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals.
Where do you work?”
“I’m a butcher,” he says.
Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, “Which
one is yours?” I replied, “I’m still deciding.”
They looked horrified.
When my uncle Frank died, he needed his ashes to be buried in his
favorite beer mug. His final wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Well, it is true that humans eat more bananas than monkeys just as
recent research suggests. I agree because I can’t remember when last I
enjoyed eating a monkey.
Today I made a decision to go go to my childhood house. I asked the
residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however,
they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are
the worst.
--
Jacob Kruger
Skype: BlindZA
"...resistance is futile...but, acceptance is versatile..."
