I agree and would add the following:
As Pauline and others often say: ³use coaches early and often².
As I mentioned in an earlier e-mail, the key for me in these situations is
to address directly the challenge that one or both parties is perceiving to
the proposed situation. By addressing the challenge directly, the coach [ or
any CP team member ] can try to offer a mechanism that is likely to meet the
concern of the party. Again, for example in this case, it will be helpful to
solicit from the mom what specifically is her concern about the shared
parenting time plan. One might suggest that a progressively increasing plan
be tried so that she can be comfortable with [ emotionally speaking ] the
proposed parenting time plan while some mechanism, such as a family
therapist, is monitoring and reviewing the situation as an objective source
evaluation. In my experience, when such a mechanism is proposed, the party
is more comfortable with the experimental shared parenting time plan.
In summary, use MHP team members often.
Jim Musante
Colorado Springs
CP coach and trainer
Rob Harvie4/16/08 4:04 PM
Thanks Paulene - it seems more and more that our local practice which tends
not to involve coaches where the parties appear to be high functioning leads
us so often to these sorts of situations where the process seems to be,
well, stretched due to a conflict arising in the midst of the collaboration.
It may be that getting coaches involved for both parties might well be very
advisable - allowing the mother to more adequately explore her feelings
regarding the issue and also allowing for better communication between the
father and mother and assistance with the father's feelings about the change
in attitude.
R. Harvie
-----Original Message-----
From: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
[mailto:CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ;<mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com> ] On
Behalf
Of Pauline Tesler
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 2:24 PM
To: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
Subject: Re: [CollabLaw] Reaching Out to the Collective Wisdom of the
Listserv
I add my voice in agreement with views expressed and add these thoughts:
- more coaching seems essential. I prefer a model in which the
coaches work with the parties, sometimes with and sometimes without child
specialist present, about child issues. Child specialist role works best
in
my experience when it is solely the voice of and to the children, not a
quasi mediator. I wouldn't go forward without coaches actively involved,
and I wouldn't put the child specialist out there in the breeze to deal
with
complex process management problems.
- both parties could benefit from revisiting basics of collaborative
conflict resolution---issues of speed (that's not what we are about, and
it
takes time to build a durable resolution rather than a fragile one),
nature
of consensual conflict resolution (it's not done until everyone can truly
say yes), etc.
- a team conference seems essential to explore the process management
and substantive matters you mention below.
On Wed, Apr 16, 2008 at 1:01 PM, Rob Harvie <rgh@xxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:rgh%40huckvale.ca> > wrote:
Thanks Beth and everyone else giving me their thoughts.. my only concern
(and that of my client) that if the expert is unable to reschedule for a
few
weeks, it's a few weeks with very modest time between my client and his
children.
If nothing else, my thought is perhaps it's worthwhile to spend some time
trying to obtain from the wife a better understanding of the reasons for
her
fear and opposition to this change from the perspective of how she feels
it
will be contrary to the children's needs.. when we were working on it last
time, there wasn't any clear indication in this regard, and seemed very
related to her own feelings, "This is very hard for me", "I don't know how
I'm going to deal with this", etc..
I also agree that I'm feeling slightly concerned that my fellow CL hasn't
perhaps pressed her client that reneging on a commitment in the process is
very damaging to the process - I have tried to encourage her as best I can
to do so, however, we play the hand we are dealt and rather than get into
a
more aggressive mode, I think I've pressed that point as far as I feel
comfortable, and it's apparent we are where we are and will have to do our
best with that.
So - I appreciate all of your help.. but if we assume that we are going to
have the meeting, at least to help diffuse some tension before the expert
can get back on board, do you have any thoughts on how to approach the
issue
within the meeting?
Thanks again, everyone.
Rob Harvie
Lethbridge, Alberta
-----Original Message-----
From: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
<CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com> [mailto:
CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
<CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>] On Behalf
Of Beth Karassik
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 1:04 PM
To: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
<CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
Subject: Re: [CollabLaw] Reaching Out to the Collective Wisdom of the
Listserv
Reschedule.
The mom, and/or both parents separately and/or together, may need more
time
with the Child Specialist to discuss the recommendation. With and/or
without their Coaches present.
Beth M. Karassik, Ph.D.
Comprehensive Neuropsychological Services
1095 S. Main Street
Cheshire, CT 06410
203.271.3809
203.272.6968 FAX
www.clinicalneuropsych.com
drkarassik@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:drkarassik%40clinicalneuropsych.com>
<drkarassik%40clinicalneuropsych.com>
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----- Original Message ----
From: Robert Harvie <rgh@xxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:rgh%40huckvale.ca>
<rgh%40huckvale.ca>>
To: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
<CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 12:44:43 PM
Subject: [CollabLaw] Reaching Out to the Collective Wisdom of the Listserv
As per usual, the only time I write I need something.. here's my
current dilemma which I would love to get some advice on.
In the midst of a Collab, which has been progressing quite well, but
which has now hit a somewhat significant bump.
Professional father - has worked significant hours and has significant
income.
Mother has been a part-time worker - three kids, all in school - not
considering increasing her employment income at this time.
The financial issues have moved relatively well, even though father is
somewhat agitated with the obligations that are going to arise from the
Divorce considering mother was involved in an extra-marital affair.
Parenting is the significant issue. Father would like a shared
parenting situation, Mother is very firmly entrenched in the "weekend
dad" vision of parenting, as she has, understandably, been more of a
stay-at-home parent than father.
We brought in a child-expert to assist - after meeting with the children
and talking to the parents, at the last meeting, she strongly suggested
a shared-parenting trial period to see how that went. Mother was very
resistant, and upset - but ultimately committed to try it, with
assistance of the counselor on a regular basis for ongoing input.
Three days after making the commitment, mother has changed her mind, and
wants to revisit this decision at another meeting. Father is,
understandably, upset and disillusioned. We arranged for another
meeting, however, the child expert is now unable to attend this
scheduled meeting - do we forge ahead without her? Do we reschedule
when she can be there?
Any suggestions as to how to now proceed, how to approach the difficulty
- how to assure continued commitment to collab and to the wisdom of the
process even when expectations from one meeting aren't met to one or
both parties?
Rob Harvie
Lethbridge, Alberta
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