A few years back I had the sad occasion to read as much of the literature
available on the ultimate result of parental conflict - alienation - and I was
actually not surprised to find that there is no research on the COMPARISON of
the damage done to a child forced to remain in the battle zone versus the
damage done when a child loses one parent completely.
I strongly suspect that the children who end up alienated are picking a path
that makes psychological sense in that they are absenting themselves as best
they can from the constant conflict.
I have tried, usually in vain, to suggest to some clients involved in high
levels of parental conflict, that a better solution to the week-on week-off
constant battle is to adopt a 90% parenting plan to one parent during the
school year and a 90% parenting plan to the other during the summer so that the
children can actually have time with a parent that is not interfered with or
held hostage. In the one or two instances where parents ended up with this
type of plan (Mostly because, I am sad to say, one of them got relocated
involuntarily) the net result for the children appeared to be much better than
the many, many cases where the parents continued to fight year in and year out
about (pick any of the following, I've litigated them all: medical decisions,
what sports the kids could play, exchange of clothes, disparagement, time of
drop off, etc. etc. etc.)
In Colorado we seem to be defaulting to equal parenting time which to me is a
resounding reflection of the courts bowing to the political pressures to meet
the parents' wishes to appear equal and to minimize child support. Since in
the litigation context we overwhelmingly deal with conflicted parents, the idea
that the most common solution to custody conflicts is that of equal parenting
model FLIES in the face of common sense and oh, yeah, objective empirical
evidence regarding the damage of parental conflict.
It makes me so sad.
By the way, just successfully finished a collaborative case today that was
awfully difficult - long term marriage, infidelity, brain injury, and well, it
was a most satisfying and wonderful conclusion. The parties had dignity, the
result was fair and unorthodox, and the family is transitioning but is still a
family. Why collaboration is not the "go to" solution rather than litigation
makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Ann Gushurst
Gutterman Griffiths PC
10375 Park Meadows Drive, Suite 520
Littleton, CO 80124
Phone: 303-858-8090
Fax: 303-858-8181
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________________________________
From: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of ;
mariaalbafisch@xxxxxxx
Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2011 8:07 PM
To: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [CollabLaw] Re: [collaborativelaw] Parenting Time Research?
Gary,
Yes, the parental conflict is the key. Time matters, but it does not trump the
importance of atmosphere.
Maria
In a message dated 1/20/2011 4:47:37 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
natalie@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx writes:
Wow -- really well said, Gary.
Natalie Alane
Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Practitioner
Alane & Chartier, P.L.C.
535 North Capitol Avenue, Suite A
Lansing, MI 48933
Phone: 517.482.2000
Fax: 517.482.2070
www.alanechartier.com
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-----Original Message-----
From: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com>
[mailto:CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ;<mailto:CollabLaw%40yahoogroups.com> ] On
Behalf
Of Gary Direnfeld
Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2011 4:11 PM
To: CollabLaw Moderator
Subject: re: [CollabLaw] Re: [collaborativelaw] Parenting Time Research?
In my experience, a portion of parents argue over parenting time and
while
extolling the best interests of the child, they are secretly seeking to
restore their view of a prior imbalance or in other cases seeking to
lord
control over the situation.
In my read of the literature (not always as 100% current as I would
hope),
it seems that while parenting time is important, it pales as a concern
next
to the issue of parental conflict.
Hence a parenting plan that appears disproportionate may be ideal as the
parents are not in conflict and being structurally workable, may be
ideal.
However, a parenting plan that is somehow equalized in terms of the
proportion of time with either parent, but where animosity reigns and is
structurally difficult to implement, creates havoc for the children
impacting on social-behavioural outcomes.
So the "magic" is not necessarily in the "right" amount of time with
either
parent, but achieving a plan that both parents can support and that is
manageable.
Of course, we must also look at time in the care of either parent from a
developmental perspective. I recently had a case where a parent
suggested
week-about residential care for a 1-year-old child. I had to explain the
concept of attachment and how from the child's perspective, being away
from
either parent for that length of time is akin to emotional teasing!
I am always reminded of the story with King Solomon in these situations:
Faced with two women's claim to the same child, he offered to cut the
child
in half so that the child may be shared equally between them. One
contender
exclaimed, "But if you do that the child will surely die and hence I
withdraw my claim!"
With that, King Solomon proclaimed her to be the true mother as she was
willing to subordinate her wants to the wellbeing of the child and
awarded
her custody.
Best,
Gary
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Interaction Consultants and I Promise Program Inc.
20 Suter Crescent,
Dundas, Ontario, Canada L9H 6R5
(905) 628-4847
gary@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:gary%40yoursocialworker.com>
Parenting: www.yoursocialworker.com
Teen safe driving: www.ipromiseprogram.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker and expert on matters of family life.
Courts in Ontario, Canada, have deemed Gary an expert on child
development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a
critique on a Section 112 (social work) report.
Services include counselling, mediation, assessments, assessment
critiques
and workshops. Go to his website to read his many articles and view
clips of
television and radio appearances: www.yoursocialworker.com
>
I have often referred folks to, or provided a copy of, The Pro-Child
Way:
Parenting with an Ex It's not a 'research' piece. It's author, Ellen
Kellner, has 2 daughters, one from each of two ex spouses.
At one point she speaks to the question of 'visitation schedule' thusly:
"For the young child the length of time with each parent is not as
important
as the frequency of time......Consistency, frequency, and clarity of
schedule should mold your visitation arrangement."
InJoy!
cMr
Collaborative Practice Chicago
Divorce Without Warfare
carl Michael rossi, M.A. J.D., L.P.C.
Attorney, Mediator, Coach, Counselor
773-292-3456
cMr@xxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:cMr%40CPChicago.net>
www.CPChicago.net Executive Director, Collaborative Practice
Professionals
of Illinois
On Thu, Jan 20, 2011 at 12:05 PM, David L. Olson <olson199@xxxxxxx
<mailto:olson199%40umn.edu> > wrote:
A good start is the "A Parental Guide to Making Child-Focused Parenting
Time
Decisions" booklet on the Supreme Court website:
http://www.mncourts.gov/documents/0/Public/Court_Information_Office/PARENTIN
G_TIME_PAMPHLET.pdf
This grew out of a presentation by Joel Peskay with a theme of one size
does
not fit all when it comes to parenting time.
David L. Olson
Attorney at Law
One Corporate Plaza
7400 Metro Blvd., Suite 450
Edina, MN 55439
(952) 831-4200 (Voice)
(952) 893-6733 (Fax)
olson199@xxxxxxx <mailto:olson199%40umn.edu>
http://www.olsonfamilylaw.com ;<http://www.olsonfamilylaw.com/>
http://www.collaborativelaw.org ;<http://www.collaborativelaw.org/>
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does not create an attorney-client relationship.
Thank you.
on 1/20/11 11:35 AM, Kemi Rampi at kemirampi@xxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:kemirampi%40hotmail.com> wrote:
Josh Rampi asked me to post this - please reply to
hopecounseling@xxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:hopecounseling%40hotmail.com> - Kemi
Dear List-Serve,
I am looking for any recommendations for literature (journal articles,
books, news reports) regarding parenting time schedules and their
effectiveness. I have a client who is interested in learning more about
how
the following impacts her/his children (children between ages 9-12 years
old): 1) the number of transitions vs. block times with each parent, 2)
importance of face to face time with each parent at the cost of more
transitions for the children. The client is strongly in favor of longer
periods of time with each parent, one week rotation (i.e. 7 days with
each
parent, transition, than 7 days with the other parent), but is open to
considering other options if the literature states otherwise.
I'm not sure if there are resources available to address these specific
questions, but thought that I could tap our collective brains to see
what's
out there.
Please email your responses to hopecounseling@xxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:hopecounseling%40hotmail.com> Thanks for your
help, Josh Rampi
Kemi S. Rampi, Esq.
Collaborative Solutions Minnesota
"Resolving Divorce Disputes Respectfully"
3300 Edinborough Way Suite 550
Edina, MN 55435
Phone: 612-269-2794
Email: kemirampi@xxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:kemirampi%40hotmail.com>
<mailto:kemirampi@xxxxxxxxxxx ;<mailto:kemirampi%40hotmail.com> >
www.CollaborativeSolutionsMN.com
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