While I agree with the importance of a compatible relationship, we do not
need to choose unless our clients require that we do so. Developing a
compatible relationship within the couple and having enough time for each
parent
to have a real relationship of involvement can be simultaneous goals.
Joan's work also articulates parenting styles: collaborative, cooperative,
distant. These have different levels of interaction and can, therefore, be
a way of understanding different styles relevant to different levels of
potential conflict. Maria Alba-Fisch
In a message dated 1/21/2011 8:24:23 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
kevinkarlsonjdphd@xxxxxxxxxx writes:
I completely agree—the schedule is way less important than having a civil,
if not friendly, relationship between the parents. Kids adapt to
schedules, but they seldom adapt to ongoing hostility.
Kevin Karlson JD PhD
Insights for Lawyers
Strategic Partner: Cephos Corp.
fMRI Applications for Law and Business
Forensic, Insurance, Executive Assessment, and Security Markets
Email: kevinkarlsonjdphd@xxxxxxxxxx
phone: 972.839.2394
4458 Childress Trail, Suite 200
Frisco, TX 75034
Scientia-Juris-Acuitas-Veritas
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From: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On ;
Behalf Of mariaalbafisch@xxxxxxx
Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2011 9:08 PM
To: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [CollabLaw] Re: [collaborativelaw] Parenting Time Research?
Gary,
Yes, the parental conflict is the key. Time matters, but it does not
trump the importance of atmosphere.
Maria
In a message dated 1/20/2011 4:47:37 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
natalie@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx writes:
Wow -- really well said, Gary.
Natalie Alane
Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Practitioner
Alane & Chartier, P.L.C.
535 North Capitol Avenue, Suite A
Lansing, MI 48933
Phone: 517.482.2000
Fax: 517.482.2070
www.alanechartier.com
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-----Original Message-----
From: _CollabLaw@yahoogroups.com_ (mailto:CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx)
[mailto:_CollabLaw@yahoogroups.com_ ;(mailto:CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) ] On
Behalf
Of Gary Direnfeld
Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2011 4:11 PM
To: CollabLaw Moderator
Subject: re: [CollabLaw] Re: [collaborativelaw] Parenting Time Research?
In my experience, a portion of parents argue over parenting time and while
extolling the best interests of the child, they are secretly seeking to
restore their view of a prior imbalance or in other cases seeking to lord
control over the situation.
In my read of the literature (not always as 100% current as I would hope),
it seems that while parenting time is important, it pales as a concern next
to the issue of parental conflict.
Hence a parenting plan that appears disproportionate may be ideal as the
parents are not in conflict and being structurally workable, may be ideal.
However, a parenting plan that is somehow equalized in terms of the
proportion of time with either parent, but where animosity reigns and is
structurally difficult to implement, creates havoc for the children
impacting on social-behavioural outcomes.
So the "magic" is not necessarily in the "right" amount of time with either
parent, but achieving a plan that both parents can support and that is
manageable.
Of course, we must also look at time in the care of either parent from a
developmental perspective. I recently had a case where a parent suggested
week-about residential care for a 1-year-old child. I had to explain the
concept of attachment and how from the child's perspective, being away from
either parent for that length of time is akin to emotional teasing!
I am always reminded of the story with King Solomon in these situations:
Faced with two women's claim to the same child, he offered to cut the child
in half so that the child may be shared equally between them. One contender
exclaimed, "But if you do that the child will surely die and hence I
withdraw my claim!"
With that, King Solomon proclaimed her to be the true mother as she was
willing to subordinate her wants to the wellbeing of the child and awarded
her custody.
Best,
Gary
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Interaction Consultants and I Promise Program Inc.
20 Suter Crescent,
Dundas, Ontario, Canada L9H 6R5
(905) 628-4847
_gary@yoursocialworker.com_ (mailto:gary@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx)
Parenting: www.yoursocialworker.com
Teen safe driving: www.ipromiseprogram.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker and expert on matters of family life.
Courts in Ontario, Canada, have deemed Gary an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a
critique on a Section 112 (social work) report.
Services include counselling, mediation, assessments, assessment critiques
and workshops. Go to his website to read his many articles and view clips
of
television and radio appearances: www.yoursocialworker.com
