[projectaon] Re: California Countdown Comment Period

  • From: Jonathan Blake <jonathan@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: projectaon@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Thu, 08 Oct 2015 20:37:44 +0000

On Thu, 8 Oct 2015 at 04:41 Simon Osborne <outspaced@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:


Not Fixed:

(ne) The Story So Far: [SO: Are we happy with the small illustration
placements here?]


I think they're a nice touch.


(er) The Story So Far: your customized roadster and a gasolene tanker ->
your customized roadster, and a gasolene tanker [so: Serial comma]


Agreed.


(er) The Story So Far: [SO: Inconsistent quote mark usage: the
'Mavericks' vs. the Saints. In the printed book, there are no quote
marks around 'Mavericks', though they are used in Tssf for Books 2 and
3. We should standardise this. Suggest: the Saints -> the 'Saints'
(first use only) for consistency. Else, revise Books 1-3 to remove the
quotation marks around 'Mavericks', 'Lions', etc.]


Agreed to using quotation marks on the first mention.

Also suggest switching the dashes for commas:

tssf: another HAVOC clan--the Saints--who were based in New Orleans ->
another HAVOC clan, the 'Saints', who were based in New Orleans


(er) 51: One Pistol [SO: Is the word "One" necessary? I don't recall
this in the earlier books]


That is weird. I'd say remove the "One".


(er) 109: [SO: Start a new paragraph when Cookie speaks after "bridge."]


Agreed.


(er) 131: Quick Cal -> Quick, Cal


There's another comma right afterwards: "Quick Cal, let's get him before he
gets away." Adding a comma (or possibly breaking this into two sentences)
makes it seem too choppy for the hurried tone of this passage.


(ne) 131: him..., and -> him...and [SO: Unless this comma is desired
here, in which case record its addition on the Errata Page.]


Agreed.


(er) 155: into the truck -> into the trunk


Agreed.


(er) 160: wouldn't you Phoenix -> wouldn't you, Phoenix


Agreed.


(er) 192: C'mon Cal -> C'mon, Cal


Original: C'mon Cal, we've gotta get back

What do you think of "C'mon, Cal. We've gotta get back"?


(er) 265: C'mon Cal -> C'mon, Cal


Same hurried tone as 131?


(er) 295: Murdered by the looks -> Murdered, by the looks


Agreed.


(er) 305: [SO: Paragraph break after "muses Rickenbacker."]


Agreed.


(er) 342: [SO: Add paragraph break after "cuts you off."]


Agreed.


(er) 350: Your reputation is further glorified [SO: is "glorified"
appropriate? Would "enhanced" be more accurate?]


Maybe so, but it doesn't seem like "glorified" is exactly wrong either.

--
Jon

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