[real-eyes] Re: Helpdesk Rules
- From: "Andrea Breier" <abreier@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: <real-eyes@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 22:47:35 -0600
Wow, I think this might be to stressful of a job if this is it's result. I
worked for 13 years training newly blind students and they were having to
learn new adaptive stuff to boot and I don't think their lack of knowledge
ever made me feel this angry with my paying customers.
Andrea Breier, President, Heartland Guide Dog Users
"Do you think I am trying to make people accept me? No, God is the One I am
trying to please. Am I trying to please people? If I still wanted to please
people, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Orlowski, Todd P" <todd@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "Sue Lednicky" <lednickys@xxxxxxxxxx>; "Miah" <nrh@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>;
"MaryCatherine Vollmer" <mcvollmer@xxxxxxxxx>; "Kelly Stannfield"
<kstannfield@xxxxxxxxx>; "JC" <jc@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>; "Chris Naylor"
<fredricknaylor@xxxxxxxxxxx>; "Connie Schmeckel"
<connie_ss_speed@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>; "Brandie" <deaftaz14@xxxxxxxxxxx>
Cc: <real-eyes@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Wednesday, January 17, 2007 8:56 PM
Subject: [real-eyes] Helpdesk Rules
I figured you all might enjoy these! I have actually had some of these
happen like the 50 degit hex number.
These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under
paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...
1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do
constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even
ask me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?
2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want
my help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to
do than talk to you anyway.
3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you
honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi,
how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the
problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to
start answering your totally moronic questions.
5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We
didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.
6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details
of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor
do we want to. Stop it!
7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers.
If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the
goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one
enough.
8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection
to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari
2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you.
Keep that in mind. It's just you.
9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the
content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can
pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a
waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps
fear most... the elderly.
10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup
instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have
better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then
say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't
technological psychics.
12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If
your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue
screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about
computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that
fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the
internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers
don't call us.
14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that
you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off
more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases
the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting
instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that
you'd notice.
15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or
even what they are for. Just admin your completely lost and leave the techno
bullshit to us.
16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small
thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your
problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just
because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the
offense.
17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something
different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is
fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and
tell you the same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really
piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the
functionality of a house plant.
18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this
would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes,
if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common
courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.
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