[real-eyes] Helpdesk Rules
- From: "Orlowski, Todd P" <todd@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: "Sue Lednicky" <lednickys@xxxxxxxxxx>, "Miah" <nrh@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "MaryCatherine Vollmer" <mcvollmer@xxxxxxxxx>, "Kelly Stannfield" <kstannfield@xxxxxxxxx>, "JC" <jc@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Chris Naylor" <fredricknaylor@xxxxxxxxxxx>, "Connie Schmeckel" <connie_ss_speed@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Brandie" <deaftaz14@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2007 20:56:58 -0600
I figured you all might enjoy these! I have actually had some of these happen
like the 50 degit hex number.
These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under
paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...
1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do
constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask
me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?
2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my
help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to do
than talk to you anyway.
3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly
think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's
it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem
so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start
answering your totally moronic questions.
5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We
didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.
6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of
every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we
want to. Stop it!
7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If
something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned
thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.
8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to
us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600
you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that
in mind. It's just you.
9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content
of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out
at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time,
but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the
elderly.
10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup
instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better
things to do than act as zoo keepers.
11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say
you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't
technological psychics.
12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If
your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen
of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about
computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact.
We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers
don't call us.
14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that
you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more
than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the
already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of
destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or
even what they are for. Just admin your completely lost and leave the techno
bullshit to us.
16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small
thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your
problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just
because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the
offense.
17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something
different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fucked,
it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the
same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really piss him off and
then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house
plant.
18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would
need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you
can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to
offer us some of what you're on.
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