[thebigjewel] Honesty In (Personal) Advertising - August 14, 2002

  • From: "The Big Jewel" <list@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: thebigjewel@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2002 04:38:37 -0600 (MDT)

* The Big Jewel's Hilarious Weekly Email presents our second article by 
David Jaggard. Incidentally, David is a buff, fit twentytofortysomething 
with a hankering for love. You'll find his email address on the site. Also, 
for David's first article on The Big Jewel, called 'I, Writer', please 
visit http://www.thebigjewel.com/writer/ Have a great week.


Honesty In (Personal) Advertising
By David Jaggard

Likes fancy restaurants, trendy nightclubs 
Very attractive, sexy young woman seeks unattached man for evenings out, 
maybe more if every single little detail is exactly perfect according to my 
unannounced and constantly-changing personal criteria. Write to ref. 3053 
in c/o The Big Jewel. I said maybe. 

Have you got what it takes? 
Exceedingly handsome, financially independent man in his mid-40s seeks Ms. 
Right. Must be able to pull her own weight, handle herself with aplomb in 
tricky situations, talk her way out of big trouble, win difficult people 
over to her way of thinking and save the day in a life-or-death emergency. 
Our first date will be a test of all those things and if we stay 
together, "pop quizzes" will arise from time to time when you least expect 
it. Write to ref. 3162 in c/o The Big Jewel. Sense of humor a must. 

Calling all men! 
Hey, all you guys out there! I don't care how old you are, what you look 
like, what your race or religion is, how much money you have, how much you 
weigh, or whether you have a nice personality or not. Just leave me alone. 
Under no circumstances respond to ref. 0613 in c/o The Big Jewel. And don't 
look at me like that either. 

Schlepping Beauty seeks Prince Charming 
Youngish, prettyish woman, shallowish, tired of the endless unrelenting 
stream of guys who say they're not ready to commit. And then seems like 
they all get married about six months after we break up. Hmmm. Anyway, I'd 
like to find a guy who's really ready to give all of his love right now and 
keep on giving and giving and giving it, a guy who's not necessarily rich 
or anything but who can support me no problem and won't get his Jockeys all 
in a sheepshank if I blow a few hundred on clothes now and then, a guy who 
will be ready to rear my children in case I might ever someday maybe decide 
I want any, a guy who'll stand by me through hard times, illness, stress, 
migraines and inexplicable mood swings, a guy who can wait up already for 
like five or ten minutes while I'm getting ready to go out, a guy who 
wouldn't even think in his dreams of dreaming of thinking of another woman, 
a guy who gets along really well with my mom even when she forgets her 
medication, a guy who knows what I want even before I do and gets it for me 
on the double, who knows how to show me a good time even when I don't feel 
like doing anything and isn't too "manly" to wait on me hand and foot. Why 
can't I find a guy like that? Write to ref. 3935 in c/o The Big Jewel. Go 
on, show my friends that they're wrong. 

Looking for that extra-special someone 
Are you that one in a million? The lucky woman selected from among the 
thousands who respond to this ad will be swept away to a magical dreamland 
where she is Her Majesty the All-Powerful Empress and I am her Dutiful 
Servant, throwing myself at her feet and asking only to fulfil her every 
whim and desire. Then, after about 72 hours of that, she can start making 
all the meals, doing all the shopping and housework, picking up my dirty 
socks and toenail clippings from wherever I happen to drop them, pulling my 
hair out of the shower drain, and going around the house turning off the 
appliances, lights and faucets that I leave on if I feel like it. Sometimes 
I don't flush the toilet either. Take it or leave it at ref. 3766 c/o The 
Big Jewel. P.S. It'll have to be your place, 'cause I live with my parents. 

She wants a stand-up kind of guy 
Young woman seeks handsome man, 35-44, who is willing to take the blame for 
everything. We don't agree on something, I win. We have an argument, you 
lose. Then you apologize. You are responsible for anything that goes wrong 
no matter how inconsequential and any unpleasantness no matter how slight, 
including that caused by other people, unforeseen circumstances, acts of 
God or the weather. If you can't take the heat, don't respond to ref. 3560 
in c/o The Big Jewel. No phonies please. 

For the complete shakedown on honest personal ads please visit 

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  • » [thebigjewel] Honesty In (Personal) Advertising - August 14, 2002