[thebigjewel] Investing in the Stock Market - August 7, 2002

  • From: "The Big Jewel" <list@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: thebigjewel@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Wed, 7 Aug 2002 05:23:50 -0600 (MDT)

Investing in the Stock Market
By J. Pinkerton

With Enron, Worldcom, AOL, Qwest, Tyco, ImClone, Dynegy, Global Crossing -- 
and, as of press time, every other corporation in America -- embroiled in 
scandal, many potential investors are turning away from the stock market, 
choosing instead to invest their money in pants. This is undoubtedly sound; 
every occasion demands the wearing of pants, be it a ritzy affair or a 
night out with friends. For the few moments where pants are not required -- 
lovemaking, eating dinner over the sink, and watching Fashion Television 
being first among them -- the threat of pants-wearing to come is 
nonetheless a pressing concern. 

Not that any of this has anything to do with the stock market, of course, 
which involves numbers and is ridiculously complicated. Still, though: do 
you have enough pairs? Is your money so precious? 

Please think about it. On to stocks. 

What Are Stocks? 
Let?s say I buy a pear for a dollar. The pear is both sweet and delicious, 
but for the purposes of this metaphor let us assume I don?t eat it. As time 
passes, the pear rots and decays, becoming very unsweet and not delicious. 
At this point, I could throw away the pear, cursing myself for having not 
eaten the damn thing just to forward the cause of a silly metaphor. But 
instead of throwing it away, I incorporate the pear and gather a ludicrous 
amount of investment capital by pushing Pear Incorporated as small-cap IPO 
growth stock. My many investors sit and wait for the pear to mature. And of 
course it will, though this doesn?t change the fact that it?s now foul and 
completely worthless. I cash in my shares and wire the swindlings to an off-
shore account, then move to a tropical island, where I live out the 
remainder of my days having drinks served to me by almond-skinned girls in 
coconut bras, later to be fellated by same. This, in essence, is how stock 

What?s a Stock Market? 
A stock is an opportunity for somebody to sell somebody else "pieces" of 
something which hold no value; pieces he or she would otherwise keep if it 
had value. A stock market is the place where this piece would be sold. And 
while this sounds surprisingly straightforward, it naturally is not. For 
one, some stocks are listed on the exchange, and some aren?t. This is 
decided through high-stakes dart games, the rules of which are too 
complicated to get into here. 

Additionally, one is not only free to buy regular stock, but also futures. 
Investing in futures is a method of insuring that you can purchase make-
believe stock at a certain price in the future. It is much like insuring 
oneself against a dealer?s potential 21 in blackjack, in that it is a 
fool?s game. 

To add to the confusion, anyone attempting to buy stock at a stock market 
is required to sport rolled-up shirt sleeves, sweat profusely, and holler 
numbers at someone standing on a desk. The person standing on a desk then 
points a pen at the stock-buyer and screams at him, at which point he is 
free to go home to his loveless marriage. 

If all of this sounds incredibly confusing, don?t despair. Stocks and the 
stock market are purposely confusing, so as to keep out undesirables. Yet 
none of it is terribly relevant when compared to the simplicity of the 
stock market itself: a bunch of white guys attempting to make scads of free 
money off other white guys. The primary rule of the stock market is to buy 
low and sell high, a simple enough rule. However, for the rule to work in 
any meaningful way, there must be just as many people willing to buy high 
and sell low, or else the entire system falls to its knees and spasms 
embarrassingly. For all the disorienting "NASDAQ"-this and "Dow Jones"-that 
talk, what the stock market essentially boils down to is a profoundly high-
yield game of hot potato. In order for traders to make money off their low-
bought stock, there must consequently be some podunk sap willing to buy it 
off them at a jaw-droppingly high price. This is where you come in. 

* For the rest of this article, including the answers to the 
questions "What's a Corporation?", "So What's The Deal With Enron, 
Then?", "But Enron Did Get Caught, Didn't It?", and finally "So What Should 
I Invest In?" please visit http://www.thebigjewel.com/investing

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