[ SHOWGSD-L ] Common Sense
- From: "David Fritsche" <d_fritsche@xxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <showgsd-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sun, 5 Jul 2009 19:48:10 -0700
> OK guys, I am lost is someone suing the club again or trying to change the
> bylaws to prevent people from suing the club or the board members? It will be
> interesting to see who runs for the board this time. I wonder if it is
> getting harder to find people who want to spend their own money to play Board
> Jeopardy.
>
> Terry
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Good question Terry - What are we doing?
And good title: Common sense, which we all know is defined differently for each
person - meaning it doesn't exist!
The basic problem is not legal, but emotional. We fight mini-wars within our
group (not uncommon in human relationships), on our list or lists if you belong
to more than one, or we find conflict with another nation and fight them. There
is always a justification (and I am not of the mind set that a good war is
always the wrong thing to do), but that justification is based on the emotion -
I am angry, or you, or them, as the case may be.
But we all know, if we took Psyc. 101, that anger is not a base emotion but a
surface one. The real base emotion is fear: I am afraid of injury or loss. That
makes me angry. So, in my anger I confront the person who angered me, and who
is about to injure me.
Maybe a nasty neighbor
Maybe a blind judge
Maybe my wife or husband
Maybe a board member or the entire board.
The presumption is that this person or persons have decided to single me out
and get me, when in fact, most of the time, they are not even considering me or
my feelings. They are doing whatever it is they do and would do if I were Jake,
or John or Mary Doe. I am not their point usually. I just happen to be there.
So I am affected and I am angry. And the demand is for them, they, you know,
those people, to solve my emotion and make me feel right. But it is not their
emotion. They do not feel it. It is mine and only I can deal with the feeling.
We strike out, sometimes at the wrong people who were just ignorant, or not
ignorant but trying to take care of their responsibilities as best they knew
how. And maybe they don't understand how I would feel about it and how fearful
I really am (anyone understand the fear and striking out in a dog?). And things
escalate and with each level of confrontation we move to higher stakes. This is
how war begins...
How do we win it? Easy, kill the opponent! Hit them before they hit us, or
strike back at our perception of injury. Write them a nasty note, call them a
bad name, tell everyone else how right we are and how wrong they are. Grab hold
of that anger and hit the nearest thing you can find - or person, whither of
not they are the perpetrator. They are at least the messenger, and that's close
enough. But by all means avoid trying to be objective about yourself and your
own action, for it you do, you might just understand the problem.
But then, no one wins. Particularly in a club that is held together, not
entirely by the by-laws and policies. It is held together at a greater level by
our relationship to one another and our common interests. But there are times
when damaging our relationships is worth it, or so it seems. I mean, you gotta
tell it like it is, don't ya! Or do we?
It all depends on what we are willing to loose, for when the action/reactions
things starts, there is no absolute certainty that we will win. So the question
is, what are we willing to loose? When there is conflict, we force people to
take sides. That is just the nature of it. So, are we willing to split the
relationships or club for the sake of being right? That really is a fundamental
question. Can we recognize that when we take action, the reaction back on us
may mean that we loose. I mean it is possible to win legally and to loose more
than we ever imagined in the fight. People, you see, do not like conflict and
they will move away from you, even if they think you have a valid case.
Sometimes it is advantageous to keep your wits, suffer wrong and go on with
life. It is a choice we make for the sake of other things we want.
I am at a loss for words to know how to say this, but we do need to stop, take
a breath and look at what we are doing to one another, to our club and to
ourselves. That's right - to ourselves. It is possible to take our cause to
whatever authority and win, walking away with all the marbles, but find there
is no longer anyone to play marbles with.
The solution: Life is not about being right, it is about being real. I show
dogs regularly with people who have no sense at all. I mean they disagree with
me politically, religiously, morally, ethically, they dress funny, talk crazy
and do stupid things. Some are easy and some are hard, legalistic, cold. Some
are never offended and some are very touchy and easily offended. But without
them, I can't find a major darn it! <g>
Look, the people I am mad at were the same people there when I got into this
thing and they are probably not going to change and neither am I. And really, I
am not mad at anyone. Everyone is doing what they think they should to protect
themselves, from their friends and fellow club members. That's just human
nature. But it may be time to rise above human nature and be as loving and
forgiving as our dogs. Seems like everyone has had their say, taken their
shoots, given their rebukes and tried their best to protect themselves. Now,
please, stop throwing sand or get out of the sandbox.
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