[lit-ideas] Re: Wright on!
- From: Paul Stone <pastone@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:08:40 -0500
Steven Wright just put a new album out called "I still have a Pony" --
his first <only> album was "I have a pony.
Here are some highlights I transcribed:
MY FAVOURITE: A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it
wasn't first place.
OTHERS:
What did Jesus have to do for Santa Claus on HIS birthday?
You know the Earth is Bi-Polar.
My dog has a website -- all it is is naked cats.
I went up to the register with a can of peas and the girl said "how
are you?" and I said "Fine" and she said "will that be all?" and I
said "Nope, I want to buy this"
Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out whether or not I have
claustrophobia.
In school they told me "practice makes perfect", but they also told me
"nobody's perfect", so I then I stopped practicing
Here are my answers to some everyday questions:
Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is?
Nope, I'm not from around here.
Excuse me sir do you know where the train station is?
It's over by the tracks.
Sometimes when I'm at other people's houses, I like to write things on
their "to do" lists on their refrigerators... memorize distances to
all other plants, adopt foreign baby and sell on black market.
I bought a new camera, it's very advanced... you don't even need it.
Why are pictures square if the lens is round?
I bought a phone, the first thing I did was press "redial" and it had
a nervous breakdown.
I bought an iPod -- it can hold either 5000 songs or one telephone
message from my mother.
If heat rises, Heaven might be hotter than Hell.
A friend of mine is a pilot. The other day we were going to go
somewhere and for absolutely no reason, he waited 45 minutes before he
backed out of his driveway.
I have a half-twin.
A friend of mine is on ouija board of directors
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I
said, "All right, don't send me a bill until I pay you"
I called up the airline to make a reservation. They said "How many
will be travelling?" and I said "How do I know? It's YOUR plane!"
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
I'm also part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program -- I have to
go Door-to-Door and tell everyone I'm sombody else.
I think It's wrong that only ONE company makes "monopoly"
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.
I'm exhausted from trying believing unbelievable things.
In high school, I worked in a pet store, but they fired me because
they had three snakes and one day I braided them.
I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman and she said
"no" and I said "you should try it, it's fun" and she did and now
she's gone.
So, I'm driving down the highway and there is a guy holding a sign
that says "Heaven"... so I hit him. He probably went there too, looked
like a nice guy.
When I was young, we used to move around a lot because my father
thought he was in the military.
It was the first time I was in love... I learned a lot, before that
I'd never even THOUGHT about killing myself.
I said "lucinda, will you always love me?" She said "I doubt it, I
don't even love you now"
My grandfather had a rocking chair that leaned forward instead of back
so he could take an interest in any conversation.
My grandfather said "steven how old are you?" I said "I'm five" He
said "when i was your age, i was six"
When I go to the grocery store and I see a guy pushing 30 shopping
carts across the parking lot, I scream "You know, someone might want
to use one of those!"
My grandmother said "come over here". I went over there and she said
"here's five dollars, don't tell your mother" I said "it'll cost you
more than that!'
This next song doesn't go something like this, it goes EXACTLY like this.
My daddy used to say "if worse comes to worst, we're screwed"
My father used to tell me that my guardian angel must be an alcoholic.
He also used to tell me that windchimes are so stupid people would
know when there's a breeze.l
Mike Continued it!
p
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