[lit-ideas] An American student's history of the world
- From: Omar Kusturica <omarkusto@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2006 23:32:18 -0700 (PDT)
http://www.virtualteacher.com.au/history.html
Subject: History of the World
The following is a history of the world from the
Egyptians to the beginning
of the First World War, " pasted together from real
sentences written by
students on history exams in the U.S." (including the
little-known and
rather discomforting suggestion that "Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the
world with a 100-foot clipper")...
Student History
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas
of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the
Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a
range of mountains between
France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the
first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from
an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of
Isaac, stole his
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought
up his twelve sons
to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of
Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing
the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of
people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500
wives and 500
porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The
Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intolerable. Achilles appears
in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the
"Oddity", in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on
his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an
overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a
coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people
took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their
neighbors were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History
call people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
killed him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a
cruel tyranny who
would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the
Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod
mustarded his troops before
the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by
George Bernard Shaw,
and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
twice for the same
offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verse and also
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell,
who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a
horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter
Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance. It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
the Bible. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir
Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his
knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
"hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher
Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe. Later the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the
Pilgrim's Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted
by Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The
Indian squabs
carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian
heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to
them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died
and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the
post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and
Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking
and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no
longer had to pay for
taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of
bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and
declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in
1790 and is still
dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due
time became the
Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the
United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the
Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall
silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write
the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope.
He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the
Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux
Clan would torcher and
lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On
the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. The believed
assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposed insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a
reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called
"Candy". Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so
was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.
He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote
music even though he
was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took
long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French
Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was
the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into
Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were
trembling in their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and
nipped at Napoleon's
flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and
was very tense and
unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine
was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the
British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen
Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining
years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great
inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code
for telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was a naturalist who
wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie
discovered radium. And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.
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