[jaws-uk] Re: Doggerel/Out of Africa

  • From: TIDDYogg <oggy@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: jaws-uk@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 20:38:29 +0000

Oh Dear.  Please ignore... how did I send it to you.  sorry.



TIDDYogg wrote:
> Between the Congo and the Nile,
> There lies a swamp of aspect vile,
> But at its heart a city standeth,
> As bright and gay as Gyles Brandreth.   (1)
>
> And to this city, long ago,
> There came a doctor you all know,
> And too you'll know of Stanley, who
> Was seeking him, without a clue.
>
> Let's venture to this city, then,
> Ruled by Ayesha, she, whom men
> Bow down, for she must be obeyed,
> Or else with death they would be paid.
>
> The doctor comes there, and so bold
> Says: "Queen Ayesha, you're very old,
> But I can give rejuvenation,
> With but a simple operation.
>
> "To keep, dear Queen, your folk's affection,
> You'll need, methinks, a new complexion.
> I'll soon provide new physiognomy,
> And do so, dear, with great economy.
>
> "Send out for virgin sacrificial,
> Of beauty great, though superficial,
> And simple facial transplantation
> Will make you loved by all your nation.
>
> "And while we're at it, why not trade
> Your legs for those from some young maid,
> And bosom too, which when re-sited,
> Will have your warriors most delighted."
>
> And so began, this evil man,
> To carry out his monstrous plan,
> And from the body parts assembled,
> A creature made, who quite resembled...
>
> ...All the beauties through the ages,
> Centre folds from Playboy's pages,
> Zuleika Dobson, Trojan Helen,   (2)
> Far more examples than I'm tellin'.
>
> The doctor, to perform this art,
> Alas was forced to stop her heart
> How else would he fit such prosthetics,
> With no recourse to anaesthetics?
>
> He therefore built a lightning rod, he
> Attached the cable to her body,
> And waited until nature's whim,
> Could finish off the job for him.
>
> The lightning flashed, the thunder roared
> And all the world was shaken,
> And while our doctor paces, bored,
> Pigs run to save their bacon.   (3)
>
> Meanwhile, our Stan, hired by the Sun,  (4)
> Approaches at a waddling run,
> Protected by a cheap umbrella,
> He found in someone else's cellar.
>
> And as the storm roars overhead,
> The lady stirs upon the bed,
> And Stanley, shouts into the room,
> "Doc Livingstein, sir, I presume."
>
> Ayesha rose with baleful stare,
> The lightning bolt had singed her hair,
> She took a step, rotated, cursed...
> One leg, though lovely, was reversed.
>
> Revolving slowly in her fury,
> Ayesha, lawyer, judge and jury,
> Embittered, made this parting shot:
> "Friends, your careers have gone to pot."
>
> "What happened?" Stan says, as the two
> Stand pot-bound, turning into stew.
> "Hell hath," doc said as ffire was torched,
> "No fury like a woman scorched."
>
>
>       * * *
>
> (1)Gyles Brandreth - Rather un-masculine TV personality, famed for his 
> multi-coloured jsweaters.
> ((2) Zuleika Dobson - eponymous heroine, a modern day Helen.  Can't 
> remember who wrote the novel.
> (3)Regular sufferers of Ogg doggerel will know that at this point I 
> normally go off at a tangent.  This time I
>
> simply changed the rhyme scheme for a verse... and plagiarism?  Don't 
> know the word.
> (4) One of the less salubrious British tabloids.
>
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