[ussgeorgetown] "One Step Forward"
- From: LtCmdrSydMorgan@xxxxxxx
- To: ussgeorgetown@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sun, 10 Jul 2005 22:00:17 EDT
"One Step Forward"
Lt. Cmdr Sydney Morgan & Lt. Tawny King
"This time I get to pick the place for lunch," smiled Syd. "How about a good
ole' fashioned hamburger? Nothing fancy, just a burger, fries and talking.
Sound okay to you?" God I hope so, I don't want to stop talking to her.
Tawny smiled. "Sounds perfect," she answered, her mind still screaming too
good to be true, remember...it was like this before...
Heading to the a secondary lounge the nervous tension could be felt by both.
Upon entering the lounge they found a quiet table where they could watch the
wormhole and talk. Syd signaled the waiter and ordered for them both. "I
could sit and stare at that wormhole forever. You like your stars, I like
watching the different colors that come with each new opening. I hope you don't
mind my ordering for you?"
I just wish she would talk to me, tell me something anything?
A dark cloud seem to pass across T's visage as she answered, "No, I guess
it's okay..."
Jaquelyn ordered for her too, the voice in her head reminded her,one of her
ways of controlling things. Of controlling you. It started out so
innocent...just like this....
"No, it's not okay. I can see by the look on your face. I should've asked
first." She signaled for the waiter. "We would like to change our order. I
will
have the same, but I believe the lady here would like something else."
"It's fine, really," Tawny frowned, "it's just...well..if I could have the
onions grilled first, please. And no salt on the fries. And no ketchup.
Please?"
I am going to end up screwing this up again if I don't watch myself, but God
she is beautiful even when frowning.
"How are the shield and weapons upgrades going?" I am not good at small
talk. "T, please talk to me?"
"They're fine, a little slow, but then things like this usually are." She
answered, speaking a bit faster than usual, suddenly fascinated by her coke.
"Looks like we might be double shifting it awhile."
"I hope they don't work you too hard." That's one way of not having to see
or talk to me. "Tawny, please look at me and talk to me. Tell me what is going
on? I don't know what to say or how to make you believe me. I don't want to
lose this...what ever it is..between us."
Tawny looked up at her, and shook her head. "I don't either, Syd. Honestly.
I just...I have no idea where to begin...or how to make it make sense to you.
How do I tell you what's going on when I'm not sure myself? And it's not that
I don't believe you...I swear it isn't...I'm just..." she shook hear head.
"I don't know, Syd. Scared, I guess."
"Tawny, when I first met you, you said that God didn't make what we feel
wrong. I am just as scared as you are. But, how do we get past it, if we don't
talk about it, even if it doesn't make sense. Just tell me what you can and I
will tell you what I can."
Syd desperately wanted to reach out and hold T's hand but didn't. She wasn't
going to risk whatever tenuous relationship that was between them. "Start
wherever it feels easiest. If you want, I will tell you what I feel about
things...this....what I would like in the future."
Tawny nodded that she should go on, listening being easier than talking at
this point.
OKay, guess I'll start. Someone has to...
"This isn't easy for me either Tawny, but it's worth the risk....at least in
my opinion. All my life everyone told me how wrong it was for me to have
feelings for another woman...including my parents. I tried to conform to what
was expected of me, but that wasn't me...it wasn't right. I went through life
trying to make my parent's accept me for who I was only to be constantly
rejected. After so much rejection I started to give up on myself. On ever
finding
that special someone. Someone who would listen to me, want to get to know me
for who I was not what was expected."
Stopping to take a drink, Syd continued, "I never felt like I belonged or
that anyone would want me....or care about me. Then I met you. From the moment
you walked onto the bridge to fix the tactical console I knew you were
special. I also knew that I didn't deserve anyone like you. I never would. How
could
I when it had been drummed into me that I was a pariah, not normal? Then we
had dinner, looked at the stars and I knew then when you held me everything I
had been told was wrong. I knew what it felt like to be cared about, and yes
I am terrified that I am going to do something to ruin things. But, I think
that what ever is between us is worth it..at least to me. I hope to you as
well."
Tawny listened attentively, understanding how hard it was to pour out your
heart and risk it being trampled as Syd was doing then. When she finished,
Tawny answered quietly. "I do. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't. God
knows it would be so much easier to just run....I know...I've gotten pretty
good
at it..." she looked at Syd seriously. "I don't want to run, though. I
don't...I want this to work. It's just...you can only open yourself up to be
hurt
so many times...and it's scary...when you've been with someone who'd ...."
tears threatened again and she looked away, suddenly focussing on her soda
again
until she had more control. "It's past. I know that. I just...it's hard to
put it all behind me..." she looked at her again and promised. "I will try,
though. I want to."
Syd looked at Tawny, knowing she was upset. "We are both scared...and we
both have past's to overcome. Who ever hurt you made a mistake. They don't
know
how special you are. I won't lie to you Tawny, I want to spend time with you.
I want to hold you. I want to know all about you and I want you to know all
about me. Not that there's much more to know, but we have to keep talking. We
can't run and let our past's cause us not to have a future. I know that
sounds lame but...it's how I feel."
Syd took a chance and reached out to hold Tawny's hand.
Tawny looked at Syd's hand in her own and smiled, surprising herself to find
that she was feeling no need to pull away.
"Can I walk you home?" This feels so right, please don't mess thing up now
Sydney.
"Sure," Tawny answered before her stomach growled again. "But not until
after we've eaten." she laughed, giving Syd's hand a gentle squeeze.
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