[ussbansheec] Letting Go
- From: "Moria Grace" <bansheec@xxxxxxx>
- To: <ussbansheec@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 00:28:20 -0400
"Letting Go"
Anna, Moria, and Joseph
School holidays were amazing things. Not only did Moira get to come home for a
week, but she got to come home to the warm California weather, and the natural
stillness of living so far away from anything. It was nice to ditch the noise
and ruckus of Sydney for a little while. With one of the big white fluffy
towels over one arm, a bottle of sun oil in the other, and her favorite little
blue bikini on, Moria headed out to the back deck. She threw her towel over one
of the lounge chairs that she adjusted until it was flat, and then plopped down
and closed her eyes.
"Is the littlest Mac here?" Joseph was asking Anna.
She laughed at him and rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me, you ran out of cookies,
right?"
Beaming, he flashed perfect white teeth at her. "And does Doc Mac make cookies
too? Coz, you know, if you did then you'd be the queen of my heart forever."
"I thought I was that anyway," Anna teased. "Now shoo, go play outside."
Pecking her on the cheek, Joseph mooched out and flopped down next to Moria.
"Soaking up the rays, Hummingbird?"
Moria smiled as she turned her head to look at Joseph. "Trying too, but it
never fails. I'll just end up lobster red for three days before going back to
my natural Celtic bread pale." She laughed with ease and it felt good after the
hell of mid-terms. "Gotta love genetics."
"Whereas I will go a lovely deep brown and stay that way for the rest of the
year," he chuckled as he pulled off his shirt to reveal the intricate tattoos
across his chest and back. Laying back next to her, he sighed contentedly and
closed his eyes. "It's a fine day."
Reaching over she pinched Joseph playfully for his ability to tan. "I'd get up
and soak you with the water hose but that would take to much energy to
accomplish and I vowed not to use any energy what so ever for the next week."
"Mmm, sounds like a mighty fine plan to me," Joseph muttered as he relaxed
completely.
"And on that note, I brought said cookies," Anna said as she wandered out.
Setting them on the deck between them, she froze. "What the..." She touched
Moria's hip. "What the hell is that?"
Giggling from her mother's touch, it didn't dawn on Moria what her mother was
truly asking about. "My hip?" She answered playfully.
Grabbing Moria's wrist, Anna yanked her to her feet. "That had better be
painted on, young lady." Anna stretched the skin out against the bone. It was
beautiful work but not on her little girl.
Moria blinked in surprise as she was hauled to her feet. Looking down at her
hummingbird tattoo she realized she'd forgotten it was there when she put on a
two piece suit. Fuck. "It's not exactly paint... It's ink."
"It's a tattoo," Joseph said carefully. Fuck it, I thought she'd told her
mother.
Ignoring him, Anna's eyes blazed with fury. "You had some grotty tattoo artist
put their hands on you? You allowed yourself to be permanently marked? You do
realize it'll take ages to get it out with a dermal regenerator."
"I didn't let some grotty tattoo artist touch me, and I'm not having it
removed." Her voice was soft but firm. She had to come along way down a rough
road and her tattoo was her reminder, her reward.
"You hardly did it yourself," Anna said, her voice raising up a notch. "Who did
this?"
"I did." Joseph lifted calm eyes to her stormy clouds. "It makes her who she
is, it is the sign that she has accepted her place in the world."
"You injected my daughter with ink?" Anna advanced on him. "You stuck needles
into my little girl?"
"I gave her a gift," he said simply.
In one fast movement, Anna wrapped her hands around his throat and lifted him
to his feet. Pushing her face very close to his, she growled, "Get out of my
home, get away from my daughter and don't come back."
Fuck, he thought with total awe, she's strong.
Her mind froze, her heart stopped and she forgot how to breath. She had
expected her mother to get angry, she'd expected yelling, scolding, and threats
of being locked in her room or worse, before she and her Mum settled things.
What Moria wasn't expecting was for her mother to snap completely. When her
brain and body remembered how they were suppose to work, Moria practically
jumped to where her mother and Joseph were standing. "Mummy!" She put her hands
on her mother's arm and looked into her eyes, her own grey one's showing fear
and confusion. "Mummy let him go!"
Anna shoved him away with disgust. "What could ever possess you to do something
so thoroughly appalling to someone you claimed was as close to you as family?"
"She is family," Joseph said, rubbing his neck where a red mark had already
come up. "That's why I did it."
"I don't understand," Anna said.
Moria stepped between Joseph and her mother. Two sets of swirling grey eyes
locked onto each other, and Moria suddenly felt as if she were waiting outside
the principal's office for her mother to pick her up after she'd beaten the
shit out of Natalie Poolman. "It's a right of passage in his tribe, Mummy. When
your old enough, grown enough to know who you are, to know your Name, your
tattooed with that name. And the one who set you on your journey, who guided
you along the way, is the one who gets to do the inking. Noah and Joseph helped
me through a lot, Mummy. I can't tell you how many times Joseph's sat with me
and held me when I've cried because being away from you hurt so much."
It made sense, it rang true but one thing still bothered her. "So it's a joy to
you? You enjoyed it? Inflicting pain on a young woman? I take it you didn't use
an analgesic."
"No, ma'am, I didn't. And no, it isn't a joy, I don't get a kick out of causing
pain, that's not how I get my thrills." Pulling himself up to his full height,
he was about a head taller than Anna but he didn't tower over her. "What it is,
is an honour, especially this time. Moria is strong and I'm honoured to know
her and I was honoured to mark her."
"And it's the last one you're going to do on her?" Anna asked.
"That's entirely up to her. I have two because I wanted two. My Ri'nanov has
one but it covers most of her body. My father only had one." Looking at Moria,
he smiled. "If she asks for another, I'll do it."
"For now this is who I am." Moria said proudly. "The little red hummingbird who
dances alone in the breeze, but who is never far from those she loves. It took
me along time to learn I could be more then just Three of Five without giving
up having to be her either. If your going to be angry at someone, Mummy, then
be angry with me. I asked Joseph the first day I met him to do it."
"I'm angry, fuming and frustrated but right now, I just don't know what to say
to you." Anna backed off, turned her back and started to walk away.
Moria stood there looking confused and hurt. She looked over her shoulder at
Joseph before turning back to watch her mother walking away. "Mummy please
don't walk away from me."
"I just... I need to think." Hugging her arms around her, she kept going.
Grabbing his shirt, Joseph pulled it on. "Look, go after her, talk to her
without me there to muddy the waters, okay?"
"I don't get it." Moria said softly. "I knew she'd be mad but..." Moria
blinked. "Hawk, she's never just walked away before. Not this way at least,
when she'd have to punish us beyond just grounding us or taking away
privileges, she needed time alone but never... never like this, and she'd
always come back if we asked."
"Go and talk to her," Joseph urged. "I'm gonna go for a hike or something, make
myself scarse for a couple of hours. Just talk to her, please."
Turning around Moria hugged Joseph tightly. "I'm so sorry about all of this. I
should have told her sooner." When she let go of him she grabbed her tee shirt
off the deck and bounded down into the garden after her mother.
Anna hadn't gone far, just to the small private garden at the end of the main
one. There was a high gate and tall trees that blocked it from view. Knees
under her chin, she was curled up on the bench under their willow tree, staring
off into nothing.
The grass was cool under Moria's bare feet as she approached her mother's
private garden. Ever since they were wee little she and her siblings had always
known that if Mummy was inside they weren't to bother her, and that the only
time they were allowed inside was when she took them inside. Filling her lungs
with a deep breath, Moria slowly opened the garden gate and slipped inside.
Unseeing, Anna curled tighter and leaned her cheek against her knees. "I don't
understand," she said to Moria.
Carefully padding over to the bench, Moria lowed herself onto the grass,
curling her legs under her and resting her head back against the seat of the
bench next to her mother. "Which part?"
"The part where you needed to search so hard for who you are, the part where
you felt like you weren't an individual to me, the part where you needed to
marr yourself just to make yourself different from your siblings."
Slowly realization crept in. This wasn't so much about the tattoo it's self,
but the reasons for it. "I didn't say I wasn't an individual to you, Mummy.
It's just that I needed to find the individual for myself. I needed to define
the Moria that I see though my eyes." Closing her eyes against the brightness
of the sky above her, Moria sighed. She wasn't sure she was explaining it
right. "And the tattoo it's about them, it's about me."
Turning still slightly confused eyes on her daughter, Anna said, "It's a very
beautiful tattoo, he's talented."
"He and Nightwalker helped me to get the image from my dream right." Moria told
her softly.
"Are they good people?" Anna asked.
Moria nodded as best she could with her head bent back the way it was.
"Nightwalker knew I was coming, he knew I'd understand how they feel about
their home because it's how you and I feel about the outback. Joseph's Ri'nanov
and Noah's mother both took me into their homes as family." Moria smiled
brightly. "Nightwalker said that I was young but strong and that it was clear
as glass that I got my strength from my mother."
"He sounds like a very wise man. He's the old one, the one Joseph talks about?"
"His great-great-grandfather." She opened her eyes and turned her head just a
little so she could look into her mother's face. "He's the oldest member of the
tribe."
"Really? Wow." Pulling herself upright, Anna stretched her neck out. "I think I
need to apologize to Joseph," she said quietly.
Moria nodded but made no move to get up. "Why did you get so angry and walk
away?"
"At first it was because you'd done it and not even thought to mention it. I
had to find out by seeing it on you. Then..." Anna shrugged, "I suppose I just
thought we were closer than we are. I thought..." Shaking her head, she stroked
her daughter's face. "It doesn't matter."
Moria suddenly felt as if she were an utter prat. "It does matter, Mummy."
"Let's go and get tea," Anna said as she stood up and offered her hand to
Moria. Silly Anna, she could hear her father say, parents aren't friends with
their children, they're just the keepers until the ungrateful brats turn their
backs and discard them. Sighing heavily, Anna tried to get his hateful words
out of her head. It wasn't so much the being discarded, it was more about being
friends. Guess he's right about that bit, she thought.
Taking her mother's hand, Moria got to her feet and then quickly wrapped her
arms around her. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was afraid you'd forbid me to
do it if I told you before I did it, and I just had it done while we were on
Dorvan, I was still trying to figure out how to tell you."
"You think I'm that unapproachable?"
Moria shook her head as she stood back and blushed. "For all my so called
growing up, I still worry about making you mad, or disappointing you."
"Oh precious, you could never do that," Anna gasped as she pulled Moria into a
tight hug. "I've always been proud of you."
"I know, but I've also seen that look in your eyes when I've really messed up
to many times to know that I don't like it." She replied softly and she hugged
her mother back.
"You haven't messed up, precious. I think... I think it's a deeply spiritual
thing to do. You never know," she teased, "maybe I'll ask Joseph to give me
one."
Moria's eyes grew twice their normal size. "I think he'd have a heart attack."
Smirking even broader, Anna added, "Just at the top of my left breast."
A light pink colored the bridge of Moria's nose. "Oh please don't start."
Anna chuckled. "Poor precious, does your old wrinkly embarrass you?"
"Your not old," Moria protected, "and only when you talk about that...
stuff..." Which you really should be able to talk to her about you twit. Sam's
not going wait forever until your not as broken.
"Then," Anna said as she draped her arm around her daughter's shoulders and led
them up to the house, "I'll stop teasing you... as much."
Moria laughed. "I'd actually start to worry that I'd really pissed you off if
you stopped all together."
Grinning, Anna said, "And we can't have that."
"I honestly don't think I could bare it." Moria admitted as she watched Joseph
slink towards the kitchen door. "I'm to much of a Mummy's little girl."
Following Moria's eyes, Anna saw Joseph and she blushed. "I need to apologize
to you."
He froze, turned the colour of freshly cut grass and shrugged. "No worries,
just looking out for Hummingbird. I can appreciate that."
Moria shook her head and blushed from embarrassment. "It was my fault."
Wrapping his arms around Moria's waist, Joseph shook his head. "Na, man, your
mum just wants to look after you."
"Guess I need to learn to let go," Anna said softly.
"Ie, but remember that she'll always need you to look after her sometimes,"
Joseph smiled as he hugged Moria. "Right Hummingbird?"
Actual fear flashed in Moria's eyes at the idea of her mother letting her go.
"Hey," Anna whispered, "what's that look for?"
"You wouldn't really let go would you?"
"Never, my precious, not ever."
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