I made it back to my quarters about half an hour early. I could feel Sara?s strain to keep the walls up so I wouldn?t fall apart, and that made me walk faster. Rushing around my quarters I was throwing things into big boxes and putting the boxes into the closet where they would be locked away for awhile.
My quarters were clean now, and everything that could be thrown or used as a weapon was where I wouldn?t get to it. Everything with edges had been covered and made soft. I had a bad feeling about whatever memories lay behind those walls.
Looking around and seeing that I would be safe if I fell over I reached with a shaky hand to my communicator, "I?m in my quarters, Sara. You can let go now." I tried to make my voice confident to let her know I could handle it, "And thanks again Sara, Heather out."
I sat down on the floor and held my breath, I didn?t know what to expect and I wanted to be ready for anything. I felt it, she was letting go. Sara was backing out and draging her walls with her.
That?s about the only word that acurately describes what happened.
I was glad I was sitting on the floor because the force of the memories that came back to me knocked me all the way over onto my back.
"Ohhh...." My hands went to my head and tears were squeezed out of my clenched eyes. Those memories. Gods! It all came flooding back. At first the pictures were moving to fast for me to catch but they slowed down. Ohhh they slowed down.
It didn?t even feel like my eyes were closed now and all that I had as reference that they were was the feel of the carpet on them as my head writhed against it trying to deal with the images.
My head didn?t feel big enough now, feeling like my brain was swelling. More tears, I couldn?t stop them, they were a constant flow now.
There was nothing I could do! I was helpless to my past which had been locked away from me for so long.
What happened to me? I saw darkness and light and people and walls and slime and blood and..............
That?s where I stopped processing what was going through my head, I shut down.
And there I lay on the floor crying uncontrollably, grabbing at the carpet and my hair trying to pull myself out of my head, and somewhere in the deep small only sane part of my brain left I knew I would be there for some time, I don?t know how I knew, I just did. And something added to my already distraught frame of mind, this wouldn?t blow over like a bad storm...........this was here to stay with me.