[tcb] Re: Should I own a VW Bus - a quiz
- From: Ronnie Hughes <fracdogii@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: "tcb@xxxxxxxxxxxxx" <tcb@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2013 09:16:19 -0800 (PST)
We are a sick lot.
I've been doing a brake job and replacing shocks on my '67 for 3 weeks.
First, I couldn't get the rear shocks off.
Next, when trying to remove the brake lines from the hoses on the front, the
brake line twists off.
Next, order new brake lines from WW
Next, when trying to install the new front shocks, I realize a sleeve from the
old shocks on the bottom shock mount is absolutely stuck on the bolt on the
bottom. No amount of heat and cussing will budge the sleeve.
Next, heat the brand new shocks and press the metal sleeve out of the lower
shock mount.
Next, where in the f... did the wheel cylinder bolts disappear to?
Next, oh the brake springs go that way!
Next, oh the brand new brake lines from WW are just pieces of tubing that have
to be hand formed to fit. Oh, the fittings must be on the end of the tubing
BEFORE you bend it!
Next, after 30 minutes, I realize there are two left hand and two right hand
nuts in my box of brake parts.
Next, oh those $45 wheel cylinders don't come with bleeder valves.
Quality decision time, beer or coffee?
On Tuesday, December 10, 2013 10:52 AM, Steve Chamberlain
<steveraychamberlain@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
I ran across this and thought everyone might be able to use it. Attachments are
discouraged so I copied it below.
From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old
Volkswagen Buses get The Question. You know what I mean: a co-worker or a
friend or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble light
gleams on the one good fender of your pride and joy and say, “Maybe I should
get one of these. What are they really like to own?”
To save time and trouble, I’ve developed a carefully
researched quiz (meaning I’ve spent most of the afternoon goofing off on this
instead of doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in such
times. Keep a supply of these handy – to order, reply by electronic mail and
please have your Visa card number at the top of the message – and just pass
them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your classic bus, and says “You know
I always wanted one of these….”
This quiz will give them a definitive answer to the question
of whether they are the right kind of person to own a Volkswagen bus. Use a #2
pencil, take your time, and remember, answer truthfully – the marriage you save
may be your own.
1. You climb into the driver’s seat of a car you
haven’t driven for nearly a week, turn the key and nothing happens. You:
A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly
to the dealer where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected. The
dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for a new battery,
and you have to spend an additional $75 at the detail shop to get the grease
stains out of the floor mats.
B. Call AAA and have them jump- start the car, at
which point you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it
installed.
C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle
in your stable is currently running and drive around at high speed to charge
the battery quickly.
D. Crawl underneath it with your screwdriver and
cigarette lighter (or mallet, if you are less mechanically deft) to jar the
solenoid loose.
2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing,
this time on a new battery. You:
A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the
dealer and talk loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you $780
to replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they throw in a
new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on the carpet (which gets wadded
up under the brake pedal anyway and therefore still let the mechanic smear
grease on your carpet).
B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it
to the dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before the problem
reoccurs, at a total cost, including tax , license, depreciation, interest and
dealer markup, of close to $6,000.
C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere
that’s causing a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and
install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax and a new
grease-impregnated felt ring for
under the terminal.
D. Rig an extra 10 gauge wire to give the solenoid
an extra shot at working while your clothes are still dry (but keep that
screwdriver handy). When you return home you start parking on top of that small
hill close to your apartment.
3. Starting to think about selling the car, you
dither about what to get as a replacement, and finally decide on:
A. Another of the same make, because Consumer
Report gave it their highest overall rating.
B. Another of the same make because you just read
in Car & Driver that the J.D. Powers index rated this brand in the top
three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.
C. A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car’s
going to have problems, you might as well have something absolutely useful and
functional and big enough to sleep in, right?
D. Keeping it. Who sells cars? If it is worth money
to someone else, it’s worth restoring or at least parking it out back of the
house until you can get around to working on it.
4. When buying your new car you make your purchase
decision:
A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find
out which one has a free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the
shop.
B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you
find one that has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum with the
huge lighted vanity mirrors that your spouse likes.
C. Because when you see the car, your arms start
shaking and your knees get weak and you know that if you don’t have THAT car,
you will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
D. Because you already have a spare engine that
might fit and the floorboards aren’t “that” rusty. Besides this one looks
‘challenging’.
5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you
pay:
A. $50 over factory invoice and you know it’s the
factory invoice because the dealer showed you a computer printout.
B. The dealers asking price, and you snicker all
the way home knowing you made a great deal because they gave you ‘your’ full
asking price on the trade in.
C. Every penny you can scrape together, including
what you have in your 401(K) and the next three months house payment. I mean,
some things are just more important than others.
D. The tow truck driver an extra $10.00 not to hook
up to the bumper.
6. When you arrive home with your new purchase you
immediately:
A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it
won’t stain when the preschooler dumps a McDonalds Happy Meal on the seat and
then sits on the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that
nothing drips on the paint.
C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so
you can see where the drips are coming from.
D. Start explaining to the spouse what a deal it
was, as you vacuum out all the old roaches and stash bags.
7. You know
that you’re an enthusiast, because the first weekend you own this car, you:
A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what
components you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD player.
B. Look through the ads in back issues of Road
& Track to see what rims will make it look really baaaaaaad.
C. Look through the current issues of Hot VW and VW
Trends to see who is having a sale so you can stock up on the parts that you
expect to fail in the next few months.
D. Start calling junkyards near and far to see who
has a spare left rear taillight lens.
8. When it’s time for your first oil change, you:
A. Take it to the dealer – after all, it’s
important to have factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
B. Take it to Sear’s – after all, it’s important to
have a handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
C. Do it yourself, in the garage or carport. Drain
the engine, and refill it with Castrol – after all the Porsche racing team was
sponsored by Castrol for all their famous wins in the Sixties and Seventies and
Dr. Porsche designed the engine in the VW Buses too.
D. Do it yourself, using whatever AutoZone has on
sale. And while you’re down there, see about those pushrod tube seals and set
the valve clearance, which reminds you to check the exhaust gaskets (cause it’s
been a bit loud lately) which makes you notice a hole in your heater box, but
luckily you have aluminum tape….
9. When it has to be left overnight for service,
you:
A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the
experience of driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model,
equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD jukebox. Driving
your old car isn’t going to be the same after you’ve been in this one.
B. Put it off – after all, this car’s reputation
for quality means you should never have to worry about service, right?
C. Put it off – after all, the dealer has nothing
but morons and crooks working there, who don’t know anything about fixing buses
at all. And the independent mechanics just laugh and make jokes about your
sanity when you drive up.
D. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next
three weeks while you wait for the new cylinder heads in the mail, cause the
old one got really damaged when you used that air impact wrench to put in the
new spark plugs, cause it was much faster, and you did that so you would have
time to fix that heater box and you can replace that after the car is back on
the road as long as you don’t run the heater till then….
10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to
borrow your car. You:
A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the
car’s advanced safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an
accident. That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill yourself.
B. Suddenly remembered that you’ve entered the
Atascadero Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need the car to
bring along your quill removal gear.
C. Spend half an hour explaining the Ying and Yang
of Bus Driving, the philosophy of Belligerent Defensive Driving with No Crash
Protection, how your butt drops out from under you during panic stops, how it
only SEEMS like you are going to tip over as you go around corners, and how you
really don’t think it’s a good idea for people who have never driven a bus to
start now, because of the current political situation downtown and the
alignment of Jupiter with Mars.
D. Spend half an hour going over the details, like
how to start the car on the first three attempts (using the switch that feeds
that extra 10-guage wire), how to keep it running without stalling until it
warms up, how the headlight switch operates the backup lights, the bass button
on the radio works the parking lights and the heater fan, the rear defroster
switch works the high beams, and of course, the heater box that is still broken
even after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a jacket and a towel
to wipe the condensation off the inside of the windshield. Oh and don’t forget
NOT to push in the cigarette lighter. You don’t want to know what happens if
you do that.
YOUR SCORE
If you answered A to more than five questions, you should
own a European Luxury Sports Car. Rush right out and buy one. Now. The
manufacturer doesn’t matter much, as long as it is German, Italian, British or
Swedish. Don’t buy French makes; their names are hard to pronounce and they are
not spelled correctly. And they are not very fashionable right now. Be sure to
get one with a large model number, like 500, 850, 928 or 9000 (stay away from
small model numbers like 80, 280, 320….small numbers indicate small minds, and
get no respect from dealer service personnel). Front-wheel drive is the current
vogue and will therefore make you and your car much more unique and more
fashionable. Be sure to ask the dealer salesperson about what all those letters
and numbers on the tires mean; after all it is the job of the salesperson to be
completely informed on every technical aspect of your car, right?
If you answered B to more than five questions you should own
a Japanese car. Any kind, basically they’re pretty much inter-changeable, as
long as somewhere in the model designation there’s a two-letter code with at
least one X in it. That’s the important thing.
If you answered C to more than five
questions, you may actually already be far enough gone around the bend to own a
Volkswagen Bus. To determine which generation Bus you should choose, look at
the answers you gave which were NOT C:
If
you answered mostly A to the other questions, you should get a Eurovan.
If you answered mostly B to the other
questions, you should get a Vanagon, preferably a water-cooled model.
If you answered mostly D to the other questions,
you should get an air-cooled vanagon.
If you answered D to more than five
questions, not only do you qualify to own a Volkswagen Bus, but you are exactly
the type who NEEDS one, especially the very old Split-Window Microbus or
perhaps a Bread-Loaf Bay-Window Bus. To decide for certain, put a half-pound of
crushed ice in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel with
used motor oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out in the rain
overnight, smiling like an idiot…because you know that Suffering Builds
Character. If you manage that, you’re in the club!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------shamelessly
stolen from
Scott Fisher fisher@xxxxxxxxxxxx on the British Car
List and modified by
Joel Walker jwalker@xxxxxxxxxxxx with editorial
assistance from
Steve Dolan dworkin@xxxxxxxxxx.
Ric Golen rgolen@xxxxxxxxxx
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