[tcb] Should I own a VW Bus - a quiz
- From: Steve Chamberlain <steveraychamberlain@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: tcb@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2013 10:51:44 -0600
I ran across this and thought everyone might be able to use it. Attachments
are discouraged so I copied it below.
From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old Volkswagen Buses
get The Question. You know what I mean: a co-worker or a friend or a family
member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble light gleams on the one
good fender of your pride and joy and say, “Maybe I should get one of
these. What are they really like to own?”
To save time and trouble, I’ve developed a carefully researched quiz
(meaning I’ve spent most of the afternoon goofing off on this instead of
doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in such times.
Keep a supply of these handy – to order, reply by electronic mail and
please have your Visa card number at the top of the message – and just pass
them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your classic bus, and says “You
know I always wanted one of these….”
This quiz will give them a definitive answer to the question of whether
they are the right kind of person to own a Volkswagen bus. Use a #2 pencil,
take your time, and remember, answer truthfully – the marriage you save may
be your own.
1. You climb into the driver’s seat of a car you haven’t driven for
nearly a week, turn the key and nothing happens. You:
A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer where
you pay to have the charging system fully inspected. The dealer ends up
billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for a new battery, and you
have to spend an additional $75 at the detail shop to get the grease stains
out of the floor mats.
B. Call AAA and have them jump- start the car, at which point you buy
a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it installed.
C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your stable is
currently running and drive around at high speed to charge the battery
quickly.
D. Crawl underneath it with your screwdriver and cigarette lighter (or
mallet, if you are less mechanically deft) to jar the solenoid loose.
2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a new
battery. You:
A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk loudly
about small claims court; this time they charge you $780 to replace the
alternator, but because you were so outraged, they throw in a new pine-tree
air freshener and put paper mats on the carpet (which gets wadded up under
the brake pedal anyway and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on
your carpet).
B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the dealer
where you quickly trade it in on a new model before the problem reoccurs,
at a total cost, including tax , license, depreciation, interest and dealer
markup, of close to $6,000.
C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that’s causing a slow
leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and install it yourself,
for a total cost of $4.96 including tax and a new grease-impregnated felt
ring for under the terminal.
D. Rig an extra 10 gauge wire to give the solenoid an extra shot at
working while your clothes are still dry (but keep that screwdriver handy).
When you return home you start parking on top of that small hill close to
your apartment.
3. Starting to think about selling the car, you dither about what to
get as a replacement, and finally decide on:
A. Another of the same make, because Consumer Report gave it their
highest overall rating.
B. Another of the same make because you just read in Car & Driver that
the J.D. Powers index rated this brand in the top three on overall customer
satisfaction for the past four years.
C. A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car’s going to have
problems, you might as well have something absolutely useful and functional
and big enough to sleep in, right?
D. Keeping it. Who sells cars? If it is worth money to someone else,
it’s worth restoring or at least parking it out back of the house until you
can get around to working on it.
4. When buying your new car you make your purchase decision:
A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find out which one has a
free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.
B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that has
the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum with the huge lighted
vanity mirrors that your spouse likes.
C. Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your
knees get weak and you know that if you don’t have THAT car, you will never
be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
D. Because you already have a spare engine that might fit and the
floorboards aren’t “that” rusty. Besides this one looks ‘challenging’.
5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:
A. $50 over factory invoice and you know it’s the factory invoice
because the dealer showed you a computer printout.
B. The dealers asking price, and you snicker all the way home knowing
you made a great deal because they gave you ‘your’ full asking price on the
trade in.
C. Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have in
your 401(K) and the next three months house payment. I mean, some things
are just more important than others.
D. The tow truck driver an extra $10.00 not to hook up to the bumper.
6. When you arrive home with your new purchase you immediately:
A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won’t stain when the
preschooler dumps a McDonalds Happy Meal on the seat and then sits on the
ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on the
paint.
C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see where the
drips are coming from.
D. Start explaining to the spouse what a deal it was, as you vacuum
out all the old roaches and stash bags.
7. You know that you’re an enthusiast, because the first weekend you
own this car, you:
A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components you can
add to enhance the bass response on the CD player.
B. Look through the ads in back issues of Road & Track to see what
rims will make it look really baaaaaaad.
C. Look through the current issues of Hot VW and VW Trends to see who
is having a sale so you can stock up on the parts that you expect to fail
in the next few months.
D. Start calling junkyards near and far to see who has a spare left
rear taillight lens.
8. When it’s time for your first oil change, you:
A. Take it to the dealer – after all, it’s important to have
factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
B. Take it to Sear’s – after all, it’s important to have a handy local
shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
C. Do it yourself, in the garage or carport. Drain the engine, and
refill it with Castrol – after all the Porsche racing team was sponsored by
Castrol for all their famous wins in the Sixties and Seventies and Dr.
Porsche designed the engine in the VW Buses too.
D. Do it yourself, using whatever AutoZone has on sale. And while
you’re down there, see about those pushrod tube seals and set the valve
clearance, which reminds you to check the exhaust gaskets (cause it’s been
a bit loud lately) which makes you notice a hole in your heater box, but
luckily you have aluminum tape….
9. When it has to be left overnight for service, you:
A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of driving
the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model, equipped with
leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD jukebox. Driving your old
car isn’t going to be the same after you’ve been in this one.
B. Put it off – after all, this car’s reputation for quality means you
should never have to worry about service, right?
C. Put it off – after all, the dealer has nothing but morons and
crooks working there, who don’t know anything about fixing buses at all.
And the independent mechanics just laugh and make jokes about your sanity
when you drive up.
D. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks while
you wait for the new cylinder heads in the mail, cause the old one got
really damaged when you used that air impact wrench to put in the new spark
plugs, cause it was much faster, and you did that so you would have time to
fix that heater box and you can replace that after the car is back on the
road as long as you don’t run the heater till then….
10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow your car. You:
A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car’s advanced
safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an accident.
That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill yourself.
B. Suddenly remembered that you’ve entered the Atascadero Porcupine
Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need the car to bring along your
quill removal gear.
C. Spend half an hour explaining the Ying and Yang of Bus Driving, the
philosophy of Belligerent Defensive Driving with No Crash Protection, how
your butt drops out from under you during panic stops, how it only SEEMS
like you are going to tip over as you go around corners, and how you really
don’t think it’s a good idea for people who have never driven a bus to
start now, because of the current political situation downtown and the
alignment of Jupiter with Mars.
D. Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start the
car on the first three attempts (using the switch that feeds that extra
10-guage wire), how to keep it running without stalling until it warms up,
how the headlight switch operates the backup lights, the bass button on the
radio works the parking lights and the heater fan, the rear defroster
switch works the high beams, and of course, the heater box that is still
broken even after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a jacket
and a towel to wipe the condensation off the inside of the windshield. Oh
and don’t forget NOT to push in the cigarette lighter. You don’t want to
know what happens if you do that.
YOUR SCORE
If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a European
Luxury Sports Car. Rush right out and buy one. Now. The manufacturer
doesn’t matter much, as long as it is German, Italian, British or Swedish.
Don’t buy French makes; their names are hard to pronounce and they are not
spelled correctly. And they are not very fashionable right now. Be sure to
get one with a large model number, like 500, 850, 928 or 9000 (stay away
from small model numbers like 80, 280, 320….small numbers indicate small
minds, and get no respect from dealer service personnel). Front-wheel drive
is the current vogue and will therefore make you and your car much more
unique and more fashionable. Be sure to ask the dealer salesperson about
what all those letters and numbers on the tires mean; after all it is the
job of the salesperson to be completely informed on every technical aspect
of your car, right?
If you answered B to more than five questions you should own a Japanese
car. Any kind, basically they’re pretty much inter-changeable, as long as
somewhere in the model designation there’s a two-letter code with at least
one X in it. That’s the important thing.
If you answered C to more than five questions, you may actually already be
far enough gone around the bend to own a Volkswagen Bus. To determine which
generation Bus you should choose, look at the answers you gave which were
NOT C:
If you answered mostly A to the other
questions, you should get a Eurovan.
If you answered mostly B to the other questions, you should get a Vanagon,
preferably a water-cooled model.
If you answered mostly D to the other questions, you should get an
air-cooled vanagon.
If you answered D to more than five questions, not only do you qualify to
own a Volkswagen Bus, but you are exactly the type who NEEDS one,
especially the very old Split-Window Microbus or perhaps a Bread-Loaf
Bay-Window Bus. To decide for certain, put a half-pound of crushed ice in
your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel with used motor oil
and grind it into your scalp, and stand out in the rain overnight, smiling
like an idiot…because you know that Suffering Builds Character. If you
manage that, you’re in the club!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------shamelessly
stolen from
Scott Fisher fisher@xxxxxxxxxxxx on the British Car List and modified by
Joel Walker jwalker@xxxxxxxxxxxx with editorial assistance from
Steve Dolan dworkin@xxxxxxxxxx.
Ric Golen rgolen@xxxxxxxxxx
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