[sac-forum] Hot off the EVAC wire:

From: "Matt Luttinen" <mluttinen@xxxxxxxxx>
To: "SAC Forum" <SAC-Forum@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2004 22:56:00 -0700
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: Martian Air Force Denies UFO Crash


Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air
Force denounced as false rumors that an alien
space craft crashed in the desert, outside of
Ares Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press
conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser
stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless
high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien
spacecraft".

The story broke late Saturday night when a major
stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base
contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a
story about a strange, balloon-shaped object
which allegedly came down in the nearby desert,
"bouncing" several times before coming to a stop,
and "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien
gases." Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser
contacted the Daily Record telepathically to
contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical
stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across
the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked
by incidences involving swamp gas. But the
general public has been slow to accept the Air
Force's explanation of recent events, preferring
to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the
crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned
Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious
government cover-up," pointing out that Mars has
no swamps. They point to the release of secret
government memos detailing attempts to discredit
reports of the landings by alien space craft.
The memos discuss stategies to avoid troubles
similar to those caused by the War of the Worlds
radio program of years ago. The program, which
featured a sensational story of gigantic oxygen
breathing two-eyed invaders from Earth, sparked
planet wide panic.

Local residents like Driv Rhodo, who lives in the
area of the alleged landings, are even more
sceptical. "I seen it with my own 5 eyes"
claimed Rhodo last week. "I've lived here over
300 years, most of my adult life-form. Them
things used to be few and far between but lately
they come in every few years or so. The
government wants to bury the truth but I can tell
you what's real. The Earthlings are going to
invade and the government is spending our hard
earned tax dollars on press releases and denials
instead of preparing for the battle to come." A
spokesthing denied any government involvement in
the disappearance of Rhodo, who has not been seen
since shortly after the interview, claiming "Any
sentient being knows that a planet with the
concentrations of water and oxygen found on Earth
is a deadly and inhospitable environment for the
formation of life, much less intelligent life.
The fear and consternation caused by the
unfounded and wild speculations of citizens like
Rhodo are a traitorous disservice to the citizens
of Mars."


Heh

<name withheld>
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