[rodgersorgan] If organists wrote the wedding columns
- From: <diapason@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <rodgersorgan@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 22 Oct 2003 11:06:26 -0500
Hey, gang - we've received several versions of this hilarious spoof in the last
few days. Thought the group would get a kick out of it.
Bill Ehrke
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IF ORGANISTS WROTE THE WEDDING COLUMNS
On Saturday, the third of August, at well after the stated time of 2:00PM, Ann
Jones and Bob Smith were married at Our Lady of Sorry Acoustics. The delay was
attributed to the late arrival of an aunt of the bride and was deftly covered
by organist Reginald Laudfuss (now celebrating his seventh month at the church)
who improvised on an original theme for well over ten minutes. This
improvisation was accomplished in all minor keys without the use of the organ's
wholly unnecessary transposer. Mr. Laudfuss gives thanks to the church's
wedding coordinator, Ima Thority, for flashing him a series of hand signals
during the crisis.
Mr. Laudfuss chose a light-weight summer robe of shimmering burgundy to conceal
his cutoffs and T-shirt. The organist's shoes, in tasteful black, were by
Organmaster, accessorized with upgraded laces from Thom McAn. They are his
third pair in about fifteen years. The wedding party wore the usual clothes.
The organ is the fourth or fifth rebuild of what was originally a dreadful
1920's theater organ from the Roxy. It now contains additional pipework from
an Ox tracker, salvaged after that mysterious fire in a practice room at the
University. Other stops have been added according to the tastes of organists
who have come and gone. The Great Harmonic Flute was voiced by Harrison and
purchased from the Cathedral of Ostentation during their 1977 project. The
Wurlitzer Brass Trumpet (temporarily residing in place of the Swell Oboe) is
the envy of the city; it is rumored to have been stolen (all 61 pipes!) from
the now-shuttered Palace. The organ's combination action, unfortunately, is
unreliable.
There were a sufficiently large number of attendants to build a lengthy
processional upon, but despite last night's rehearsal they heedlessly hurried
up the aisle, resulting in a drastic compression of the "Prince of Denmark's
March." This critical number was therefore performed with no repeats, and Mr.
Laudfuss pointedly ended on the dominant in protest. However, the 8' Tuba
(purchased pre-voiced over the internet and the central feature of the March)
was a resounding success as could be measured by the smiles that spread
throughout the congregation during the processional.
After a few minutes of talking by a clergy type, the organist played the first
four phrases of the Schubert "Ave Maria" (in E-major to avoid a pulled pipe) on
the shimmering Choir Gemshorn 8' (no tremolo) while the couple did something.
Later, somebody's female relative breathily sang "The Wedding Song." It
appeared that this person's usual venue was a country-western bar, and some
tension occurred during the solo. The soloist attempted to continue singing
during the interludes. Mr. Laudfuss responded by trying to cover her error
with cues from the Swell Trompette 8' (Wicks, 1940's, revoiced by Gantt in the
1958 rebuild) but she continued in her own misguided way forcing the organist
to shuffle his music loudly. This contretemps prevented the congregation from
enjoying the subtle chiff of the ChoirGedeckt 8', which would have been the
only bright spot in a notoriously boring song.
The recessional was the Mendelssohn, chosen despite Mr. Laudfuss's counsel to
the contrary. It was played on a satisfying plenum in A B A B A form to fit
the available time. When the wedding party was finally out of the way Mr.
Laudfuss presented the Widor Toccata as the postlude. The guests
inconsiderately talked throughout the number, but the organist added stops as
the noise level increased, masterfully maneuvering each drawknob, coupler and
piston without missing a single note of the Widor. The sforzando button
unexpectedly brought the Brass Trumpet into the ensemble but by now there was
no turning back and the Widor ended breathtakingly. This noble feat did not go
unnoticed by the congregation, who responded with audible sighs when the music
stopped.
The bride and groom went to college somewhere, but they did not take any music.
After their honeymoon they will blend into suburbia where they will produce
children. The highlight of each year will be the replay of Mr. Laudfuss's work
via a wedding video.
New link to Christmas Music at www.frogmusic.com!
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