[mit-ac6] Looking for a Happy Ending

From: Neil Santos <ne0_akt@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: mit-ac6@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 2002 19:25:32 +0800
>> [Thursday] 9/5/2002 :: 7:22 PM -- NEWMSG

[Request ni Ian, i-post ko daw ung mga ramblings ko eh.  Eto ung
second to the last na nigawa ko.]

Pain.  So much pain.

I'm only eighteen years old, but I've experienced the amount of pain
normal people experience in a lifetime.  Thrice.  I'm only eighteen
years old, but my wisdom spans that of three generations-from my
grandparents, to my parents, to me.  But that wisdom isn't enough to
stop my hurting.

I long for happiness.  I live out each day with the hope that on that
day, I will find happiness.  True happiness.  The happiness I've been
looking for all my life.  Happiness for the rest of my life.
Happiness for the first time.

Too often, I'd see my story on the movie screen.  And too often, I'd
see my story end differently.  Too often, I'd see a happy ending.  An
ending I never got.  An ending I can only dream of.

Too often, I'd wake up in the middle of the night crying.  Again.  Not
even in my dreams can I be happy.  Not even in my dreams can I be
loved truly.  Not even in a world I've created can I create happiness.

I've learned to give up happiness while I live long ago.  I've
submitted to the thought that I could never be happy while I'm alive,
so I pretend.  I pretend to be happy, pretend to be content, pretend
to be carefree.  And there are times that I could almost convince
myself that I really am all that.

Just then, the tears kick in.

It doesn't matter.  So I move on to other things, forget what this all
about for a few minutes.  I can't be happy in this life.  I can never
be happy while I'm alive.  That's fine with me. But there's something
I long for; something I could never be without?

I long for a happy ending.

I wish that before I die, everything will fall into place, just as
I've envisioned them all my life.  I wish that before I die, a friend
of mine will come up to me on my deathbed and confess that she had
loved me from the moment we first met.  I wish that before I die, the
one I've loved all my life but never returned the sentiment would
admit that she never stopped loving me; she was only afraid for one
reason or another.

I wish that before I die, there would be at least 3 people who would
go up to me and thank me for changing their lives.  I wish that before
I die, Richard M. Stallman will be able to look me in the eye as he
bids farewell to a kindred spirit-a hacker like himself.  I wish that
before I die, I would've changed the world in some way?  A big way; a
way so profound that people will remember what I've done long after
I've gone.

Yes, I wish for all of these, but most of all, I wish that, before I
die, I could find that one person who would love me for who I am, what
I've been and what I could've become, for I know that I could never
find have any of that while there's still a tomorrow waiting for me?

-------
``The game was over.  The game had just begun.''
                       -- To Kill The Potemkin, Mark Joseph

... Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
[mit-ac6] Looking for a Happy Ending

Other related posts:
