[mit-ac6] I'm Afraid of Crying

From: Neil Santos <ne0_akt@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: mit-ac6@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 2002 19:29:09 +0800
>> [Thursday] 9/5/2002 :: 7:28 PM -- NEWMSG

[First one I've done this quarter.  Dedicated to Anastasia.]

Tears fall from everyone's eyes.  They fall from mine, too.  They've
been falling from my eyes for the longest of time.  They've scorched
my cheeks too many times.  They've puffed up my eyes too many times.

But nobody but me sees them.

I can't let others see how weak I really am.  I can't let others see
my vulnerability.  I can't let them know I'm still human.  I can't let
you see how much you've hurt me.

No, not after four years can I let you see just how much you really
mean to me.  Not after four years, can I let you inside me completely.
You know me; but you don't know how much I love you.  You never did.

And I'm not sure you ever will.

How many times have we said goodbye to each other before we could
finally let go.  Before you could finally let go.  I've never let go.
I'm still holding on.  I'm still waiting.  And I'm still hurting.

I've cried for you too many times.  You've heard me do it, but you've
never actually seen me cry.  I don't think I'd ever want you to see me
cry.  I've poured my heart out to you too many times.  You never
cared.   

For you, I'm the past.  As far as I'm concerned, you're the only thing
that exists. 

I'm afraid of crying.  When I cry, that means I'm hurt.  I've tried
hard to get past my hurting, but I just can't.  I still love you.  But
I don't want to.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I'm scared.  

How many times have I been aroused from sleep, my eyes wet with tears?
 How many times have I tried to get to sleep with my eyes wet with
 tears?  How many times have I tried not to cry, only to find my eyes
 already wet with tears?

Tears.  Ha. 

I'm dreadfully afraid of crying.  I'm afraid of my own tears.  I'm
scared.  I don't want to cry.  But I can't stop.  I love you.  You
don't love me.  You hurt me.  And I cry once more.

I'm lost.  I need someone who'd help--but the only one who could help
me won't.  The only one who could help me find my way back was the one
who led me astray in the first place.

I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of my tears.  I'm afraid of crying.  I'm
afraid of loving anyone else. 

I'm afraid of you.

-------
``The game was over.  The game had just begun.''
                       -- To Kill The Potemkin, Mark Joseph

... I am Microsoftus of Borg. You will be slowed down.
[mit-ac6] I'm Afraid of Crying

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