[lit-ideas] Death on other planets
- From: Torgeir Fjeld <torgeir_fjeld@xxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Mon, 17 May 2010 12:55:10 -0700 (PDT)
The Mike Geary version:
> The hatch was closed,
> white casket in a black hearse.
> It headed toward the cemetery.
> The bereaved sighed with relief
> as the funeral procession made it's way
> through one green light after another.
> Had his life only been so.
YEsyes i love it. This s Robert Bly style. Nevermind meaning in words, care
for expressive effect. Should explain the afterword.
How about:
As the heavy hatch enclosed
the white coffin, the black mausoleum
moved toward the traffic light. The bereaved
sighed with relief.
The procession made it across while the lights were green.
>
> ************
> Notes.
> 1. How does the word "robot" come into play at all? I
> don't get it.
> 2. "Corpse van" is very heavy handed, as is "mortuary
> vehicle" -- sounds
> like a police report.
> 3. In the US motorcycle policemen accompany funerals
> insuring that the
> processions get through all traffic lights without
> stopping. I assume
> that's not the case in Scandinavia.
> 4. I don't understand your point about "bereaved" being in
> conflict with
> "breathing". How so?
> 5. Sorry, couldn't resist the last line.
>
> Mike Geary
> Memphis
>
>
>
>
> On Thu, May 13, 2010 at 5:13 PM, Torgeir Fjeld <torgeir_fjeld@xxxxxxxx>wrote:
>
> > Yesyes its arduous troublesome etc
> >
> > 1. As the heavy backdoor closed shut
> >
> > does a car have a backdoor? rear entrance?
> > "closed shut" -- fell into (its) place?
> >
> > 2. and the white coffin in the black mausoleum
> >
> > typical in translation to end up with nuemerous
> definite articles ("the")
> >
> > 3. disappeared in the direction of the robot, the
> berieved
> >
> > word order issue: berieved jumps ahead of their
> "breathing" (see 4.) which
> > alters meaning. also its not like a robot whatever
> >
> > 4. sighed in relief: The corpse van
> >
> > minimal vocab here: mortuary vehicle?
> >
> > 5. made it across while the lights were green
> >
> > wordy
> >
> > -phatic
> >
> > (ps. traslation of original by Thor Sørheim, from his
> collection Døden på
> > andre planeter , 2010)
> >
> >
> >
> >
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