Dear Litters, Oh my, but this is wonderful! Lit-Ideas would not be compleat without regular dispatches from The Guardian's weekly e-mail digest, "The Northerner". This week's example is typical. Disguised as "the best of the northern press", it actually contains the equivalent of Five Short Stories, rather as if there were a "Shouts & Murmurs" section in a magazine called *The New Yorkshirer*. (They read very like the Tales of David Ritchie. How odd.) I recommend you take up their offer (at end) of a free weekly subscription. In these dark times, these tales remind us that life does go on, quite swimmingly even. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Northerner: Derailed in Macclesfield David Ward (13 May 2004) Welcome to the Northerner, Guardian Unlimited's weekly digest of the best of the northern press. ** DERAILED IN MACCLESFIELD This is an unashamed rant. Born out of teeth-crunching frustration. Hours spent on the web. Aeons spent pressing phone buttons ("Press nine to go mad"). Stress. Anxiety. Night sweats. All we want to do is go by train from Macclesfield to London on five consecutive Sundays and return on five consecutive Thursdays. Easy. Get on the Virgin website, do a bit of mousing, pick up a bargain and pack your bag. But picking up 14-day or 7-day advance cheapies is impossible. They are never available; perhaps they have not been available since the days of the Rocket. So we settle for fifty quid return and book three at one go. The logical thing would be to send all three out at once. But Virgin finds it much more fun to screw up the tension by sending them out one by one, as close to the day of travel as they can possibly make it. We maintain a vigil by the front door to wait for the postman. We ring to ask where the tickets are. Miraculously, they have always just been sent out by first class post. We ask why all three could not have been sent together. "We send them individually to bring our sales in line with those of other train companies." We suggest that is not much of an answer but it is clearly the only one we are going to get. Next time we try the webmaster. Virgin have installed stunningly efficient idiot programs on their mainframe to ensure that no questions are ever answered with useful information. "Where are my tickets?" we ask. "It is raining in Barcelona," comes the reply. (Ok, I'm lying.) The first set of tickets arrives for the 2pm Sunday train but there is no reserved seat for the outward journey. We ring to find out why. "Because the 2pm is not a reservable train," we are told. "Why?" "Because the seats are not reservable." This circular conversation continues for some time. The second set of tickets arrives (on the Friday before the Sunday). But this time there is a subtle change: we must go to Macclesfield to pick up a bus to Wilmslow, whence the train will depart. We go to Wilmslow by car instead. But, because of work to upgrade the west coast main line, there are, as we expected, no trains and have not been for some months. Staff look in bafflement at the ticket. We rush back to Macclesfield and find a train there. This is beginning to resemble that scene in Three Men In A Boat in which passengers and staff argue about the destination of a train leaving Waterloo. Faced with having to buy two more tickets, we abandon the computer and the phone lines (where that nice Scottish woman tells you that all lines are busy and will you please shove off) and head for Macclesfield station's booking office. Here we deal with a real person, a man who talks about his approaching holiday in Italy, sorts out fares and reservations and smiles. Oh the joy of it. As for the trains: one of those 2pm Sunday trips took just over two hours; another took three and a half. Don't explain, Sir Richard. I haven't got the energy to listen. ** NOT OUT Players from Carlisle Cricket Club were sad when they learned of the death of Leonard Brunton, who had served the club for years as batsman, umpire and groundsman. The flag at the club was lowered, the cricketers bowed their heads and Mr Brunton's friend Dick Scott paid tribute. One member slipped round to Mr Brunton's home to ask where flowers should be sent and was a little taken aback when the deceased opened the front door. A member of the club had jumped to an understandable, if wrong, conclusion when he saw a newspaper death notice for a man called Bunt - the nickname Mr Brunton had been given during his time at the club. The far from late Mr Brunton, who lives in Carlisle, said it had been a strange experience to hear an exaggerated report of his demise. "It was very weird but I'm glad to say I'm very much alive," he said. "Now I'm going to go and have a drink with them to prove I'm still here." ** TWIN PEAKS Barbara Dickson played the lead 21 years ago in the premiere in Liverpool of Willy Russell's Blood Brothers, a tragic musical about the fate of Scouse twin brothers separated at birth. Now she is back in the city playing the same part. In the Liverpool Daily Post, arts editor Philip Key welcomed the return of the show and of Dickson. "[It] gives you everything - laughs, tears, great songs, a fascinating story and wonderful characters. "It has matured over the years into a solid piece of theatre with no dull moments and a story that fairly rockets along. Maturing with it is Barbara Dickson... She now comes across as we want all mothers to be, a well-proportioned loving woman with heart and understanding. "The voice, if anything, has improved. Songs like Easy Terms and A Light Romance are given special poignancy with her clear, soaring tones." I first came across the show in 1989 when covering a (deeply boring) north of England education conference on the Isle of Man. I could not get out of being whisked off to one of the island's secondary schools to see a production and could not pretend I was looking forward to it. But it was brilliantly acted and brilliantly sung, with the young cast producing an almost dangerous intensity. I was snivelling by the end. And a couple of hundred local council education administrators were up their feet roaring their delight while wiping away tears with their sensible ties. Unforgettable. HIT THE DECK Eric Robson, the chairman of Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4, hit the headlines when he took a swipe at gardening makeover programmes. Now he has had a go at decking, the slippery fad that has crept across estates throughout the land. Robson was called in by the Westmorland Gazette when it reported that councillors had ordered a couple in Kirkby Londsale, Cumbria, to removed "offensive" decking from their garden. Robson, a bit of puritan in the herbaceous border, said the fashion had got out of hand. "Declaring he did not want to be see as a 'Stalinist gardening tsar', he said: 'My own view of decking is that we have gone too far. We are fashioning gardens with all sorts of hardware and forgetting about the plants. "'Things have just gone too far down the hard landscaping route - we need to see gardens softened up a bit. We want gardening to celebrate plantmanship, not something we buy at B&Q.'" IT WON'T WASH ... Washing wars have erupted in Skipton. British Airways steward David Painter is fed up because he cannot drive his car down back streets close to his home, due to the amount of zig-zagging washing hung out to dry in crisp Yorkshire breezes. He has been complaining for five years, and the Yorkshire Post reports that he now seems to have won over North Yorkshire county council. The opinion of a learned barrister appears to be that the smalls, sheets and woollies hanging on the lines are obstructing the highway and must be removed. Skipton's formidable upholders of the Yorkshire washing line tradition are defiant. "You don't think we are going to stop now, do you?" asked Margaret Hicks, 64. "I never thought it would come to this. I didn't think the council would be so stupid to let it go so far. I will not be stopped [from] putting my washing out and we have a plan in progress to counteract it, definitely.... "What looks nicer than lines of clean washing?" Marie Moorby, 72, added: "I can't understand a young man like him getting so upset about some washing." Mr Painter would be advised to watch his back: an outraged Yorkshire woman charging down a back street with a prop is a fearsome sight. * * * * * Were you forwarded this email? To subscribe, go to http://www.guardian.co.uk/northerner Subject: The Northerner: Derailed in Macclesfield Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 09:44:15 +0000 (UTC) From: Guardian Unlimited <Northerner-list@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> To: Guardian Unlimited <Northerner-list@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stephen Straker <straker@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> Vancouver, B.C. CANADA [Outgoing mail scanned by Norton AntiVirus] ------------------------------------------------------------------ To change your Lit-Ideas settings (subscribe/unsub, vacation on/off, digest on/off), visit www.andreas.com/faq-lit-ideas.html