[guide.chat] In Reply To: [guide.chat] Fw: Police Complaint - just brilliant!

From: "M BOWKER" <bowker288@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "Guide Chat" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2012 14:55:49 +0100
I  like that James. Never a truer word said. That's the way of things today and 
I often wonder where it will all end up.

Malcolm.

Sounds like Auchinleck!
Subject: Police Complaint - just brilliant! 

Police Complaint - just brilliant! 
 
This is a genuine complaint to Springburn Police Force from an angry member of 
the public.  A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written...
 
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, 
 
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Springburn police 
station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try 
e-mailing you instead.
 
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in 
Possil, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
 
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (Ithink 
you call them youths) in Saracan Street which is just off Hawthorn Street
 
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football 
against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.  This causes an earth 
shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.  This game is now 
in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no 
idea if it will end any time soon.
 
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags 
of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped 
beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a 
discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
 
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention 
to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If 
they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I Would 
happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. 
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and 
I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
 
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless 
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not 
leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are 
no mutants around then drive up the street in a (Monochrome Chinese furball) 
(POLICE) car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will 
of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look 
like.
 
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks 
you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before 
coming to arrest me.
 
I remain your obedient servant
???????
 
Mr ??????,
 
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused 
by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying 
to contact the police. 
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer 
of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, 
please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be 
suitable.
 
Regards
PC Fraser
Community Beat Officer
 
Dear PC Fraser
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original 
e-mail.
 
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Sprinburn Police Station, 
and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for 
inclusion in his next Guinness book.
 
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat 
Officer.
 
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so 
years I have lived in Saracan Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a 
tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you 
the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin 
like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are 
head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
 
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in 
Greater Glasgow, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without 
due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using 
words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might 
want to play their strange football game elsewhere?
 
The pitch on Ruchhill Drive or the one at Springburn Park are both within 
spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Govan Dock at a stretch, the latter 
being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
 
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to 
contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you 
a large one in the Stab Inn or Brothers as you may know it.
 
Regards
?????????
 
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work 
for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact to deal with this 
$hit !!!
[guide.chat] In Reply To: [guide.chat] Fw: Police Complaint - just brilliant!

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