[DECtalk], relive the comedy, let DECtalk help you!

• From: "Sean Randall" <Shwatscoff@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
• To: "dectalk list" <dectalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
• Date: Fri, 31 Jan 2003 19:25:10 -0000

Hi all!
I know it's been years sinse I did anything much with DECtalk, and that's a
shame: but i've had other things going on, and other things to do:
But in all that time, I never stopped liking what deCtalk could do.
So i've decided to start a project:
Ok - there's know telling if it'll get off the ground here - it's just
weather there's any interest for it at all.
To explain:
in the 1970's and 1980's, the BBC (
British Broadcasting Corporation) had a lot of good comedy shows
ontelevision: that's not to say the rest of the world didn't, but hell. i'm
a  brit.
One of my favourites of these was red dwarf, the adventures of David Lister,
a human: he signed up to join a ship in the spacecor so he could get some
cash and go live on some flooded planet and have cows, sheep, horses and
other eronious barnyard animals. Bonkers from the start.
But he never gets there yet, because red dwarf which happens to be a red
ship - unsurprisingly .  But it's no dwarf, and it's pretty large.  So he's
working on this ship, and that's where we find him, and start off with his
totally smeggy life.
. . . dot dot dot
I could go on about this for a while, but suffice  it to say that this show
continued for at least 45 episodes, probably a little more than that.
Now it's taken me about 4 hours to get the first episode in any form of
synthesised speech.  But I did a pretty neeto job if I do say so myself.
What i'd like you to do is to listen to it, that is, paste the entire lot
into the speak43.exe deCtalk demo program and press play.
it's long.
And, if you're not one for scifi comedy - is it funny? I'm a brit and I like
the stuff but you guys... who can say?
Still, I want opinions!
I want to no if it's a good idea to carry on with the series or just scrap
the hole thing.
From when I say now onward is the script: it's just write to the end of the
email, so just select to the end, and paste it in ok?
I'll put it in here then, tell me what you think!

---now! now! go go go go!---
the end.
[_<1600>]


A corridor in the ship.  Grey walls, machinery here and there, you know
the drill.  Rimmer is carrying a clipboard; behind him comes Lister,
pushing a trolley full of tools and spare parts.

lister sings: To gannymede and titan, yes sir I've been around....

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Have you ever
been hit over the head with a welding mallet?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Just shut up and
push the trolley.
[:np] [:ra 245]
With a mock salute
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yes, Sir,
Rimmer!
[:np] [:ra 245]

They approach a food dispenser.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Right, corridor
159.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[hxm<100,13>hxm<100,15>hxm<100,17>hxm<100,13>]

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, shut up!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm only
humming.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Well don't.

[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 0]
[hx<100,13>p<200>hx<100,15>p<200>hx<100,17>p<200>hx<100,13>p<200>]

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, don't
hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.

[:np] [:dv br 100]
[kf<200,17>k<200>kf<200,13>k<200>kf<200,20>k<200>kf<200,13>k<200>]

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, one more
sound, anything, and you're on report, my laddo.  What
job number's this?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister mimes talking without making a sound.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Right, that's
it.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Begins writing on his clipboard.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, D, Third
Technician.  Offence, obstructing a superior technician by humming,
clicking, and being quiet.  When the Captain sees this you're dead.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer,
I'm bored!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Bored?  This is
essential routine maintenance!  It's absolutely vital
for the well-being of this crew, this mission, and this ship.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Checks his
clipboard.
 [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Dispenser 172.
Chicken soup nozzle clogged.  Pass me a 14-B,
Lister.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister hands him a small white tube.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, is this
a 14-B?  Does it look even remotely like a 14-B?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Reaches into the parts trolley and pulls out another small white tube,
indistinguishable from the first.
 [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] This is a 14-B,
Lister.  This
[:np] [:ra 245]
the
original
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] is a 14-F.  Are
you blind?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Who
cares?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I care, Lister!
[:np] [:ra 245]
 he Looks at them, realises he can't tell the
difference either, quickly picks one (actually his one) at random and
returns it to the trolley.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It's my career,
Lister.  I'm the one who gets
it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets
black currant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar.
[:np] [:ra 245]
As he
says this he installs the 14-something in the dispenser unit.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Chicken
soup.

[:np] [:ra 245]
The machine hums and dispenses a cup of something.  Rimmer takes a sip of
it, grimaces in disgust, and spits it out.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yep.  That's
working.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It's
stupid anyway, all this maintenance business.  The only reason
they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better
union than us.

[:np] [:ra 245]
He picks up the cup of soup.  His reaction is the same as
Rimmer's, but he drinks the rest of it anyway.  They move off.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, that is
absolute nonsense.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Checks his clipboard.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Botanical
gardens, faulty pourer circuit, and corridor 147, sticking door.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It's
true, though, you know, Rimmer.  You rank below all four of those
service robots.  Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Well, Lister,
not for long, maitey.  Up, up, up, that's where I'm going.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Not until
you pass your engineer's exam.  And you won't do that,
because you'll just go in there and flunk again.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, last
time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You what?
You walked in there, wrote I am a fish four hundred times,
did a funny little dance, and fainted.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  That's a total
lie.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, it's
not.  Petersen told me.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  No, it's not.
Petersen told me. Lister, if you must know, what I did
was, I wrote a discourse on pourer circuits which was simply too radical,
too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah.
You said you were a fish.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Is that a
cigarette you're smoking, Lister?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No.  It's
a chicken.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Right!  You're
on report.  Two times in as many minutes, Lister, I
don't know.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Another crew member, Frank Todhunter, walks up to them.

[:nf]  Rimmer, Lister.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes, sir.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Stands to attention and salutes.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yo,
Todhunter, get down!

[:nf]  Indeed.  Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through MacIntyre's artifacts,
and I see that you've filed 247 complaints against Lister.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer is looking proud of himself.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes, sir.

[:nf]  That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of
dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count of
mutiny.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes, sir.

[:nf]  Mutiny, Lister?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I stood
on his toe.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Maliciously, and
with intent to [wuwnd].

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It was an
accident!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, I put it
to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe
by accident?  You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire
foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  But the
vital duty was him going to snap my guitar in half!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Whereupon you
leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.

[:nf]  All right, that's enough.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer continues, ignoreing the Officer.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Had there been a
crisis situation, Lister, I would have
had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly
therefore mutiny.

[:nf]  Finished?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer continues the ignoreing act.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  However, I'm not
a vindictive man, so I don't
intend to apply for the death penalty.

[:nf]  There are 169 people on this ship.  You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You see,
I try, sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.  I try
and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, cause he's such a
smeghead.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Did you hear
that, sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

[:nf]  Oh, Rimmer.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Claps him on the shoulder.
[:nf] You are a smeghead.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Todhunter leaves them.  Lister is cracking up with laughter.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You heard that,
Lister.  Todhunter, with respect, sir, your career's
finished, you big lig!

[_<1400>]

[:np] [:ra 245]
After a quick shot of the ship from outside, we cut to Lister and Rimmer's
cabin.  Rimmer is sitting on the bottom bunk writing on his arm.  Lister
reaches down from the top bunk to pick up his guitar.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You touch that
guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrotte
you with it.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Can I do
anything?  Is it OK if I breathe?  Can I breathe?
[:np] [:ra 245]
He does
so, into Rimmer's face.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, I have
an exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I know,
yeah.  By cheating.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  This is not
cheating!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Holds up his arm, with mathematical-looking
stuff written all over it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's merely an
aid to memory.  Helps me marshal
the facts already in my command.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What
does?  Copying the entire textbooks onto your body?  Why don't you
hand your body in and let them mark that?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, do you
think it's easy for someone like me to become an
officer?  Someone who wasn't Academy educated?  Someone who didn't have the
right nobby background?  Someone who didn't have the right parents?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You
didn't have the right parents?  Whose parents did you have?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  My parents.  The
wrong parents.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm just
saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why
bother?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Well, you would,
Lister, because you've got no ambition, no drive.
You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm not
the lowest rank on this ship.  What about the laboratory mice?
I tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it.  Yes, sir,
Mister Lister, sir!  Eee, eee, eee, eee [_<300>]

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, you are
a nothing.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm not a
nothing!  I've got me plan.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What's that, the
plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire
universe?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No.  Me
five year plan.  You see, I'm going to do two more trips, and
I've been saving up all me pay

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Since when?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Since
always.  That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or socks or
anything like that, you know.  Anyway, I'm going to buy meself a little
farm on Fiji, and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  With a sheep and
a cow?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, with
horses and horses.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  On Fiji?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah, the
prices there are unbelievable.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes, because
they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's three
feet below sea level!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It's only
three feet.  They can wade.  That's why the animals are going
to have to be quite tall.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Nice plan,
Lister.  Excellent plan!  Brilliant plan, Lister!  What
about the sheep?  What are you going to do, buy them water-wings?  Better
still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Gestures with his pen to represent a woolly dolphin leaping out of the
water.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Baa, splash,
baa, splash.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You can
get a drainage grant these days.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Why bother,
Lister?  You could be the first man to produce wet-look
knitwear.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Look,
this is why I never ever said anything to you, cause I knew
you'd say something like this.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, you've
got the brain of a cheese sandwich.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Mimes swimming.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Mornin, Farmer
Lister, I'm just poppin down
to the shops in my submarine.  Can I buy you anything?

[:np] [:ra 245]
There's a honking sound, and Holly's face appears on a monitor.


[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  The
Welcome Back George MacIntyre reception is about to begin in the
refectory.  George says he'd like to invite everybody, especially those who
weren't able to attend his funeral.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer and Lister get up.  Rimmer picks up Lister's jacket and starts to
hand it to him, then drops it on the floor.  Lister kicks Rimmer from
behind as they leave.

[_<1400>]

[:np] [:ra 245]
Another quick outside shot of the ship, then we cut to the mess, and
MacIntyre's party.  At the front of the room, Todhunter, Captain Hollister,
and a hologram of George MacIntyre are sitting at a table.  The Captain
stands.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Folks, today is a day for both sadness and
joy.  Sadness, for the
passing away of George, and joy, because George is back with us, albeit as
a hologram.  Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before,
so I ask you to treat him as a normal man, because he is in every respect
like George.  He has George's personality and George's knowledge and
experience.  Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything, so I ask
you to cooperate with his requests.  And please, take every care not to
walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry.  Thank you.

[:np] [:ra 245]
General applause, and cries of Speech!  Speech!

[:np] [:dv hs 89]  I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous
funeral.
I've just seen the vid.  And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful
eulogy.  Beautiful.  But I still don't understand why he didn't use the one
I wrote.  This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,
but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone
who's no longer a threat to your marriages.  I think Joe knows what I'm
talking about.  As
you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram, so my advice to
anyone more vital to the mission than me is, if you die, I'll kill you.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Applause.

[:nf]  Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.

[:np] [:ra 245]
The Captain cuts the cake.

  [:np] [:ra 245]
Raising his glass,
[:nf] Flight Coordinator George MacIntyre.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Everyone: to george!
[:np] [:ra 245]
As the toast is drunk, we hear the sound of someone, probably Lister, going
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[gahrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrgl.]
[:np] [:ra 245]
into his glass.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  OK, just one thing before the disco.  Holly
tells me that he's sensed
a non-human life form aboard.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Sir, it's
Rimmer!

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  We don't know what it is, Lister.  So just
be careful, OK?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm
turning you in, Rimmer.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer pulls out his notebook and pointedly begins to write.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  And his
friends. [uw<800>!]


[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin.  Rimmer is wearing shorts and singlet,
and every visible part of his skin is covered with notes.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Right, they're
bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10 per cent.
They must ask the left thigh, which is 20 per cent.  They've got to ask one
of the forearms.  Which means I've passed already; anything on the left
shin's a bonus!  Right.
CUTIE!  Current under
tension is [_<200>] what's this?  Current under tension is equal?  Current
under tension is expandable?  Current under tension is expensive?  What
does this mean?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Begins to panic.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What does any of
it mean?  I've covered
my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
[ah<400>r<400>grgrgrrgrgrgg>]!  Just relax, relax, relax, relax.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister, sleeping in the top bunk, is woken up by Rimmer's raving.  Rimmer
notices and makes an effort to appear calm.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Er, plus 20 per
cent of the ship's course minus the Pythagoras theorem
multiplied by two over the X axis minus one equals the total velocity of
`Red Dwarf', which means I know everything about astro-engineering, good
morning Lister for probably the last time.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You've
got it all down, have you, Rimmer?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Couple of blanks
[:np] [:ra 245]
slaps his buttocks,
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] but I think we're
there.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So you
can't remember anything?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Think what you
will, Lister.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Begins to pull on his overalls.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer,
F, I, S, H, that's how you spell `fish'.  Then you just keel
over.  I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to you.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Dry up, Lister.

[:np] [:ra 245]
The intercom honks.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Will
entrants for the engineer's examination now make their way to the
teaching room.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No,
Rimmer, honestly, good luck.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It's all right,
Lister.  I'm in complete and total control.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer picks up his briefcase and leaves the cabin, turning right.  After
a short pause, he hurries back across the doorway in the opposite
direction.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Lock.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Nothing happens.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  *Lock!*
[:np] [:ra 245]
The door closes.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister climbs down from his bunk.  We hear faint meows.  He opens a
locker, pulls out a bottle of milk and a bowl, and goes over to an air
conditioning grating on the wall.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Frankenstein.  Come on, Frankenstein.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He puts the bowl on the floor
and pours some milk into it, spilling half of it all over the floor.  Then
he opens the grating and lifts out a large black cat.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, but
you're
getting really big now, you know.  I hope it's not twins, you've already
got all me milk ration.  Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe we can
give him water and pretend it's milk.  It's only a baby cat, it won't know,
eh?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Pulls a photo out of his pocket.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Do you
want to see my picture of
Fiji again, Frankie?  You're going to love it there.  Look.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He holds the
photo up to the cat, who looks the other way.


[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
In the examination room, Rimmer and several others are taking
the exam.  Todhunter is monitoring.

[:nf]  OK, everybody.  You've got three hours.  No modems, no speaking slide
rules.  Turn over and start.  Good luck.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer examines his paper, looking more and more confused.  He looks
around at the others, but they all seem to be doing OK.  Finally (after
checking that Todhunter isn't looking) he rolls up his sleeve [_<400>]  only
to
discover that he's smeared all his notes into illegibility!  After sitting
there in mortal terror for a moment, he simply slams his hand down on the
paper to leave an inky palm print, signs it, stands up, gives the bemused
Todhunter a spectacularly precise salute, and faints.


[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to the bridge.  Various people doing the usual technical-looking
things that people do on spaceship bridges in SF TV series.  Lister walks
in and goes to Kristine Kochanski's station.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Hi.
Where's the Captain's office?

[:nb]  It's over there.  Where it says Captain's Office.  Where it's always
said Captain's Office.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So that's
the Captain's office!  So how are you then?

[:nb]  Fine.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Do you
know what he wants to see me for?

[:nb]  Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah?

[:nb]  Yeah.  For your diligence and general devotion to duty.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah!

[:np] [:ra 245]
Captain Hollister walks in.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister!
[:np] [:ra 245]
They both enter the office.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You asked
to see me,
Captain?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Where's the cat?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What?
What cat?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister, not only are you so stupid you
bring aboard an unquarantined
animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, but
you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed
in the ship's lab.  Now, I'm going to ask you again.  Do you have a cat?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Holding up a photo of Lister and Frankenstein.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Have you got a cat?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Er, yes,
that one.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Where'd you get it?  Titan?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yes.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Don't you realise that that thing could be
carrying *anything?  Don't
you remember what happened on the `Oregon' with the rabbits?  Lister, a
loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere.  It could get into the
air ducts.  It could get into Holly.  You know, a little nibble here and a
little nibble there, Lister, and before you know it we're flying
*backwards.  Now I want that cat, and I want it *now.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Sir, just
suppose I did have a cat, just suppose ...  what would you do
with Frankenstein?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  I'd send it down to the medical centre, and
I'd have it cut up and
tests run on it.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Would you
put it back together when you'd finished?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister, the cat would be dead.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So, with
respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister, give me that cat!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It's not
as easy as that!  Me and the cat, we're going to have a baby
cat, and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji, and we're going to have a sheep
and a cow and three horses, it's me *plan, and no-one can get in the way
of it, not even you, and I do respect you.  Sir.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister, do you want to go into stasis for
the rest of the trip and
forfeit 18 months' wages?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]] [_<800>] Choose!

[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to a corridor somewhere in the ship.  Lister and Todhunter are
standing outside a stasis booth.  Two medical technicians wheel Rimmer past
on a stretcher.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Is this
going to hurt?

[:nf]  Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No.

[:nf]  Oh, you don't feel a thing.  The stasis room creates a static field
of
time.  See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a
stasis field, so, although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for
you, time itself does not exist.  You see, although you're still a mass,
you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a
quantum probability of zero.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh.
Simple as that, eh?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Todhunter opens the door, and Lister steps inside.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  OK, I'm
ready.

[:nf]  See you in 18 months.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Closes the door.
[:nf]  Holly, activate the stasis
field.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  OK,
Frank.

[:np] [:ra 245]
We see Lister waving through a window in the door.  Suddenly he freezes.

[_<1800>]
Cut to an extended outside shot of the ship, then back to the stasis
booth.  Lister unfreezes, the door opens, and he walks out.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Good
morning, Dave.  It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I've only
just gone in.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Please
proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister walks down the corridor, looking around.  As he enters the mess, he
notices small piles of white powder on some of the tables.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Where is
everybody, Hol?  [:np] [:ra 245]
Sticks his finger in one of the piles of
white powder and tastes it.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Appearing on a monitor on the wall.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  They're
dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Who is?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]
Everybody, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What,
Captain Hollister?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]
Everybody's dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What,
Todhunter?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]
Everybody's dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What,
Selby?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  They're
all dead.  Everybody's dead, Dave.
[_<1000>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to another corridor.  Lister is still trying to understand what Holly
is saying; you get the impression the conversation has been going on for
some time.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Petersen
isn't, is he?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Everybody
is *dead! Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Not Chen?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Gordon
Bennett, yes, Chen, everybody.  Everybody's dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  He's
dead, everybody's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, Dave!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Wait.
Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Wish I'd
never let him out in the first place now.

[_<900>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to the Drive Room.  Lister enters.  There are more of the little piles
of white powder everywhere.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  How?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  The drive
plate was inefficiently repaired.  It blew, and the entire
crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2 before I could seal the
area.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister Brushes the powder off a chair and sits in it.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, this
is terrible.
And why is it so dirty around here, Hol?  What is this stuff?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Dips his
finger in another pile and tastes it.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  That is
Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister quickly spits out the powder.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[ah<300>!]  I've been eating half the crew!  And
who's that?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  That's
Captain Hollister.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  And
that's Todhunter.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  No,
that's Second Technician Rimmer.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh, yeah.
I didn't recognise him without his report book.  What was
Rimmer doing in the Drive Room?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  He was
explaining to the Captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate
properly.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So wait
on.  How long was I in stasis?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Well, I
couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe
background level.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  How
*long?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  [_<400>]
Three million years. [_<400>]

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Three
million years!
[_<600>]
I've still got that library book.  And
what about Krissie?  What about Krissie Kochanski?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  She's
dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh, hey.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  I don't
suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the
age difference would be insurmountable.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  She was
part of me plan.  I never got round to telling her, but she was
going to come with me to Fiji.  She was going to wear a white dress and
ride the horses and I was going to take care of everything else.  It was me
plan.  I planned it.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Well, she
won't be much use to you on Fiji now.  Not unless it snows
and you need something to grit the path with.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Holly!

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Sorry.
I'm sorry about that.  I've been on my own for three million
years, and I'm just used to saying what I think.  I think I've gone a bit
peculiar, to tell you the truth.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So
everyone's dead?  I'm on me own?  There's just me?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Well,
technically speaking, yes.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What do
you mean, `technically speaking'?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer walks in.  He's a hologram.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Hello, Lister.
Long time no see.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer!
You're a hologram!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes.  That's
because I'm dead.  Dead as a kan of spam.  And it's all
thanks to you.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Me?  What
did I do?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  If you hadn't
kept that stupid cat, Lister, and hadn't been sent to
stasis, I would have had some help when I was mending the drive plate, and
I wouldn't be dead.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What's it
like?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Death?  It's
like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, I
mean being a hologram.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister waves his hand through Rimmer's stomach.  Rimmer jumps back in
disgust, and Lister looks at his hand in amazement.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Do you mind?
Being a hologram is fine, Lister.  I still have the same
drives, the same feelings, the same emotions, but I can't touch anything.
Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a
laughing child, or interfere with a woman sexually.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer,
you never used to do any of those things anyway.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  But I would have
done one day, murderer!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Hey, hey!
I didn't do anything!  It was *you* who didn't fix the drive
plates properly.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Is this me here?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Me?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Come on,
Rimmer, look on the bright side.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  The bright side?
What bright side?  I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of
light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a
stuffed iguana.  Where's the bright side?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What's an
iguana?  And look, look, you're not dead, are you?  I mean,
you're dead, but you're not *dead* dead, because you're still here, aren't
you?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, I'm not
really here!  I'm not really me!  Don't you see?  I'm
a computer simulation of me.  That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse
droppings.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Come on.
Lot's of people have died.  lots of people have died and then
gone on and done really really well.  You're a hologram.  So what?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I suppose you're
right, Lister.  I've got to pull myself together.  But
you've got to help me.  You've got to be my hands and my touch.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I know
the sort of things you like to touch.  No way, Rimmer.  Forget
it.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Are you smoking,
Lister?  In the Drive Room?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah.  I
stopped for quite a while, but I'm back on them now.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You're on
report, squire.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Reaches for his notebook, which isn't
there.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I can't write it
down.  I'll remember it.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Ohhh
[_<200>] Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the
dead and all that, but you're still a smeghead.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I beg your
pardon?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Leaving the room.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I said,
you're still a smeghead.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, do you
have any conception of the penalty for describing a
deceased superior officer as a smeghead?  [:np] [:ra 245]
He goes to lean on a table, and
falls through it.

[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to a corridor.  Rimmer is following Lister.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, will you
listen to me?  Just listen to me.  Just shut up.  Shut
up.

[:np] [:ra 245]
They proceed out of sight.  After they're gone, a panel falls off the
wall, and a guy dressed in a pink suit climbs out of an air duct.  This is
the Cat.  He does a somersault and three twirls.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Aaahhh, ooowww, [iy<200>.]
How am I looking?
[:np] [:ra 245]
He Pulls out a small mirror.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Looking nice.  No, wait a
minute.  I'm looking better than nice.  I'm
looking dangerous.  Aaaoooww, dangerous!  Aaaooowww!   hey, what's that?
Oh, it's my shadow.  Hey, even my shadow's looking nice!  I'm looking nice,
my shadow's looking nice, what a team!  We are unbelievable!  OK, team,
this way.  No, this way.  Aaaooowww, yeah.  This way!

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to another corridor.  Rimmer is still following Lister.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, just
hold your horses.  Listen to me

[:np] [:ra 245]
He's interrupted by the Cat spinning into view.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Aaaooowww!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he Notices Lister and Rimmer.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Oh oh.  Better make myself
look big!

[:np] [:ra 245]
The Cat holds up his claws and looks fierce.  Lister and Rimmer turn tail
and run.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Hee hee hee!  Fearsome.  I
was fearsome!  Me and my shadow, ooohhh,
come on boy, walking down the avenue.

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to the mess.  Lister and Rimmer are backing away from the door, until
Lister backs into a table and nearly jumps out of his skin.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Aaahhh!
Holly, what was that?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  During
the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens were
safely sealed in the hold, and they've been breeding there for three
million years, and have evolved into the life form you just saw in the
corridor.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I don't
get it.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Well, you
know how mankind evolved from apes?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah, I
know that.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  He
evolved from cats.  His ancestors were cats, he's descended from
cats, he is a cat.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Suddenly the Cat enters the room.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah
[:np] [:ra 245]
Suddenly freezes as he notices the others.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Hello
[_<300>] Cat?

[:np] [:ra 245]
The cat notices something on his sleeve.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Whoa!  Crease!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he Pulls out a small
steam iron and runs it over the sleeve.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Stand back,
Lister.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Screaming incoherently, Rimmer takes up a Kung Fu posture and leaps at the
cat, hands and feet flying everywhere.  He passes straight through the
astonished Cat and disappears out the door.

[_<900>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin.  Lister retrieves the milk and bowl and
some cereal from his locker and pours some out.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Here you
go, Cat.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Ah, Krispies!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Holly
says you like these.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
[m<100,15>m<100,13>m<200,17>!]

[:np] [:ra 245]
 [_<200>] Lister puts the bowl down on the floor, in the place he used to
feed
Frankenstein.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Hey!  You monkeys eat off
the *floor?  Ain't you got no style or
sophistication?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh, I'm
sorry, Cat, I'm sorry.  [:np] [:ra 245]
he Picks up the bowl and puts it on the
table in front of the Cat.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  You people are
unbelievable.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Starts to lick up the cereal and milk
with his tongue.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Where are
all your other catty friends, Cat?

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Good Krispies, man!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  But where
are all the other little kitties?  Are they gone?  Are they
dead?  Have they left you?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Who cares?  I
want it off the ship!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No!  He's
coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Home?  And where
exactly is home supposed to be?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Earth.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Earth?  What
makes you think there'll be any Earth, Lister?  And even
if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years.
Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into?  To them, you'll be the
equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I could
smarten meself up a bit.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Naah, you're a
dinosaur, you're extinct, you've got nothing.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Hey, hey!
I've still got me plan.  And I've still got a cat.  OK, it's
not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Did you say Frankenstein?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah, she
was your great great great great great great grandmother or
something.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  The Holy Mother?  The
Virgin Birth?  No-one believes that stuff!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  The Virgin
Birth?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, it
was a big black tom on Titan.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Frankenstein, yeah!  I
remember that stuff from kitty school.  The Holy
Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and who
gaveth of his life that we might liv.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No!  No,
it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!  It's *Lister* the
[_<300>]  stupid?

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Who shall returneth to lead
us to Fushal, the Promised Land.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, it's
not Fushal, it's Fiji!  And I will!  I'll lead you there.  *That's* where
we're going.  Holly, plot a course for Fiji.  Look
out, Earth [_<600>] the slime is coming home!

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
That was red dwarf: series one, episode one. The end.
It was converted for dectalk synthesis by Sean Randal.
Look out for episode two coming sometime soon, or three million years
yesturday: depends where you are.
Note to y'all: if anyone has a red dwarf theme song in rttl or midi with a
clear melody track, plese send it to the list!
[_<100>]
catch ya soon!
the smeghead Sean.


-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: dt1-1.txt

the end.
[_<1600>]


A corridor in the ship.  Grey walls, machinery here and there, you know
the drill.  Rimmer is carrying a clipboard; behind him comes Lister,
pushing a trolley full of tools and spare parts.

lister sings: To gannymede and titan, yes sir I've been around....

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Have you ever been 
hit over the head with a welding mallet?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Just shut up and 
push the trolley.
[:np] [:ra 245]
With a mock salute
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yes, Sir, 
Rimmer!
[:np] [:ra 245]

They approach a food dispenser.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Right, corridor 159.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] 
[hxm<100,13>hxm<100,15>hxm<100,17>hxm<100,13>]

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, shut up!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm only 
humming.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Well don't.

[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 0]
[hx<100,13>p<200>hx<100,15>p<200>hx<100,17>p<200>hx<100,13>p<200>]

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, don't hum 
and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.

[:np] [:dv br 100]
[kf<200,17>k<200>kf<200,13>k<200>kf<200,20>k<200>kf<200,13>k<200>]

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, one more 
sound, anything, and you're on report, my laddo.  What
job number's this?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister mimes talking without making a sound.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Right, that's it.  
[:np] [:ra 245]

Begins writing on his clipboard.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, D, Third
Technician.  Offence, obstructing a superior technician by humming,
clicking, and being quiet.  When the Captain sees this you're dead.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer, I'm 
bored!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Bored?  This is 
essential routine maintenance!  It's absolutely vital
for the well-being of this crew, this mission, and this ship.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Checks his
clipboard.
 [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Dispenser 172.  
Chicken soup nozzle clogged.  Pass me a 14-B,
Lister.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister hands him a small white tube.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, is this a 
14-B?  Does it look even remotely like a 14-B?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Reaches into the parts trolley and pulls out another small white tube,
indistinguishable from the first. 
 [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] This is a 14-B, 
Lister.  This 
[:np] [:ra 245]
the
original 
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] is a 14-F.  Are you 
blind?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Who cares?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I care, Lister!  
[:np] [:ra 245]
 he Looks at them, realises he can't tell the
difference either, quickly picks one (actually his one) at random and
returns it to the trolley.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It's my career, 
Lister.  I'm the one who gets
it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets
black currant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
As he
says this he installs the 14-something in the dispenser unit. 
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Chicken
soup.

[:np] [:ra 245]
The machine hums and dispenses a cup of something.  Rimmer takes a sip of
it, grimaces in disgust, and spits it out.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yep.  That's 
working.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It's stupid 
anyway, all this maintenance business.  The only reason
they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better
union than us.  

[:np] [:ra 245]
He picks up the cup of soup.  His reaction is the same as
Rimmer's, but he drinks the rest of it anyway.  They move off.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, that is 
absolute nonsense.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Checks his clipboard.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Botanical
gardens, faulty pourer circuit, and corridor 147, sticking door.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It's true, 
though, you know, Rimmer.  You rank below all four of those
service robots.  Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Well, Lister, not 
for long, maitey.  Up, up, up, that's where I'm going.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Not until 
you pass your engineer's exam.  And you won't do that,
because you'll just go in there and flunk again.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, last time I 
only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You what?  
You walked in there, wrote I am a fish four hundred times,
did a funny little dance, and fainted.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  That's a total lie.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, it's 
not.  Petersen told me.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  No, it's not.  
Petersen told me. Lister, if you must know, what I did
was, I wrote a discourse on pourer circuits which was simply too radical,
too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah.  You 
said you were a fish.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Is that a cigarette 
you're smoking, Lister?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No.  It's a 
chicken.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Right!  You're on 
report.  Two times in as many minutes, Lister, I
don't know.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Another crew member, Frank Todhunter, walks up to them.

[:nf]  Rimmer, Lister.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes, sir.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Stands to attention and salutes.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yo, 
Todhunter, get down!

[:nf]  Indeed.  Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through MacIntyre's artifacts,
and I see that you've filed 247 complaints against Lister.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer is looking proud of himself.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes, sir.

[:nf]  That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of
dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count of
mutiny.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes, sir.

[:nf]  Mutiny, Lister?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I stood on 
his toe.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Maliciously, and 
with intent to [wuwnd].

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It was an 
accident!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, I put it to 
you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe
by accident?  You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire
foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  But the 
vital duty was him going to snap my guitar in half!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Whereupon you leapt 
from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.

[:nf]  All right, that's enough.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer continues, ignoreing the Officer.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Had there been a 
crisis situation, Lister, I would have
had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly
therefore mutiny.

[:nf]  Finished?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer continues the ignoreing act.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  However, I'm not a 
vindictive man, so I don't
intend to apply for the death penalty.

[:nf]  There are 169 people on this ship.  You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You see, I 
try, sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.  I try
and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, cause he's such a
smeghead.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Did you hear that, 
sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

[:nf]  Oh, Rimmer.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Claps him on the shoulder. 
[:nf] You are a smeghead.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Todhunter leaves them.  Lister is cracking up with laughter.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You heard that, 
Lister.  Todhunter, with respect, sir, your career's
finished, you big lig!

[_<1400>]

[:np] [:ra 245]
After a quick shot of the ship from outside, we cut to Lister and Rimmer's
cabin.  Rimmer is sitting on the bottom bunk writing on his arm.  Lister
reaches down from the top bunk to pick up his guitar.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You touch that 
guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrotte
you with it.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Can I do 
anything?  Is it OK if I breathe?  Can I breathe?  
[:np] [:ra 245]
He does
so, into Rimmer's face.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, I have an 
exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I know, 
yeah.  By cheating.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  This is not 
cheating!  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Holds up his arm, with mathematical-looking
stuff written all over it. 
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's merely an aid 
to memory.  Helps me marshal
the facts already in my command.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What does?  
Copying the entire textbooks onto your body?  Why don't you
hand your body in and let them mark that?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, do you 
think it's easy for someone like me to become an
officer?  Someone who wasn't Academy educated?  Someone who didn't have the
right nobby background?  Someone who didn't have the right parents?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You didn't 
have the right parents?  Whose parents did you have?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  My parents.  The 
wrong parents.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm just 
saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why
bother?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Well, you would, 
Lister, because you've got no ambition, no drive.
You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm not the 
lowest rank on this ship.  What about the laboratory mice?
I tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it.  Yes, sir, Mister 
Lister, sir!  Eee, eee, eee, eee [_<300>]

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, you are a 
nothing.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm not a 
nothing!  I've got me plan.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What's that, the 
plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire
universe?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No.  Me five 
year plan.  You see, I'm going to do two more trips, and
I've been saving up all me pay

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Since when?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Since 
always.  That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or socks or
anything like that, you know.  Anyway, I'm going to buy meself a little
farm on Fiji, and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  With a sheep and a 
cow?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, with 
horses and horses.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  On Fiji?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah, the 
prices there are unbelievable.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes, because they 
had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's three
feet below sea level!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It's only 
three feet.  They can wade.  That's why the animals are going
to have to be quite tall.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Nice plan, Lister.  
Excellent plan!  Brilliant plan, Lister!  What
about the sheep?  What are you going to do, buy them water-wings?  Better
still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Gestures with his pen to represent a woolly dolphin leaping out of the
water.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Baa, splash, baa, 
splash.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You can get 
a drainage grant these days.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Why bother, Lister? 
 You could be the first man to produce wet-look
knitwear.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Look, this 
is why I never ever said anything to you, cause I knew
you'd say something like this.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, you've got 
the brain of a cheese sandwich. 
[:np] [:ra 245]
Mimes swimming. 
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Mornin, Farmer 
Lister, I'm just poppin down
to the shops in my submarine.  Can I buy you anything?

[:np] [:ra 245]
There's a honking sound, and Holly's face appears on a monitor.


[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  The Welcome 
Back George MacIntyre reception is about to begin in the
refectory.  George says he'd like to invite everybody, especially those who
weren't able to attend his funeral.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer and Lister get up.  Rimmer picks up Lister's jacket and starts to
hand it to him, then drops it on the floor.  Lister kicks Rimmer from
behind as they leave.

[_<1400>]

[:np] [:ra 245]
Another quick outside shot of the ship, then we cut to the mess, and
MacIntyre's party.  At the front of the room, Todhunter, Captain Hollister,
and a hologram of George MacIntyre are sitting at a table.  The Captain
stands.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Folks, today is a day for both sadness and 
joy.  Sadness, for the
passing away of George, and joy, because George is back with us, albeit as
a hologram.  Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before,
so I ask you to treat him as a normal man, because he is in every respect
like George.  He has George's personality and George's knowledge and
experience.  Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything, so I ask
you to cooperate with his requests.  And please, take every care not to
walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry.  Thank you.

[:np] [:ra 245]
General applause, and cries of Speech!  Speech!

[:np] [:dv hs 89]  I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous 
funeral.
I've just seen the vid.  And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful
eulogy.  Beautiful.  But I still don't understand why he didn't use the one
I wrote.  This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,
but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone
who's no longer a threat to your marriages.  I think Joe knows what I'm
talking about.  As
you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram, so my advice to
anyone more vital to the mission than me is, if you die, I'll kill you.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Applause.

[:nf]  Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.

[:np] [:ra 245]
The Captain cuts the cake.

  [:np] [:ra 245]
Raising his glass, 
[:nf] Flight Coordinator George MacIntyre.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Everyone: to george!
[:np] [:ra 245]
As the toast is drunk, we hear the sound of someone, probably Lister, going
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] 
[gahrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrglrgl.]
[:np] [:ra 245]
into his glass.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  OK, just one thing before the disco.  Holly 
tells me that he's sensed
a non-human life form aboard.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Sir, it's 
Rimmer!

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  We don't know what it is, Lister.  So just be 
careful, OK?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I'm turning 
you in, Rimmer.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer pulls out his notebook and pointedly begins to write.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  And his 
friends. [uw<800>!]


[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin.  Rimmer is wearing shorts and singlet,
and every visible part of his skin is covered with notes.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Right, they're 
bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10 per cent.
They must ask the left thigh, which is 20 per cent.  They've got to ask one
of the forearms.  Which means I've passed already; anything on the left
shin's a bonus!  Right.  
CUTIE!  Current under
tension is [_<200>] what's this?  Current under tension is equal?  Current
under tension is expandable?  Current under tension is expensive?  What
does this mean?  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Begins to panic.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What does any of it 
mean?  I've covered
my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
[ah<400>r<400>grgrgrrgrgrgg>]!  Just relax, relax, relax, relax.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister, sleeping in the top bunk, is woken up by Rimmer's raving.  Rimmer
notices and makes an effort to appear calm.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Er, plus 20 per 
cent of the ship's course minus the Pythagoras theorem
multiplied by two over the X axis minus one equals the total velocity of
`Red Dwarf', which means I know everything about astro-engineering, good
morning Lister for probably the last time.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You've got 
it all down, have you, Rimmer?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Couple of blanks 
[:np] [:ra 245]
slaps his buttocks, 
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] but I think we're 
there.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So you can't 
remember anything?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Think what you 
will, Lister.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Begins to pull on his overalls.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer, F, 
I, S, H, that's how you spell `fish'.  Then you just keel
over.  I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to you.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Dry up, Lister.

[:np] [:ra 245]
The intercom honks.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Will 
entrants for the engineer's examination now make their way to the
teaching room.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, Rimmer, 
honestly, good luck.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It's all right, 
Lister.  I'm in complete and total control.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer picks up his briefcase and leaves the cabin, turning right.  After
a short pause, he hurries back across the doorway in the opposite
direction.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Lock.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Nothing happens.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  *Lock!* 
[:np] [:ra 245]
The door closes.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister climbs down from his bunk.  We hear faint meows.  He opens a
locker, pulls out a bottle of milk and a bowl, and goes over to an air
conditioning grating on the wall.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  
Frankenstein.  Come on, Frankenstein. 
[:np] [:ra 245]
He puts the bowl on the floor
and pours some milk into it, spilling half of it all over the floor.  Then
he opens the grating and lifts out a large black cat. 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, but you're
getting really big now, you know.  I hope it's not twins, you've already
got all me milk ration.  Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe we can
give him water and pretend it's milk.  It's only a baby cat, it won't know,
eh?  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Pulls a photo out of his pocket.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Do you want 
to see my picture of
Fiji again, Frankie?  You're going to love it there.  Look.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
He holds the
photo up to the cat, who looks the other way.


[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
In the examination room, Rimmer and several others are taking
the exam.  Todhunter is monitoring.

[:nf]  OK, everybody.  You've got three hours.  No modems, no speaking slide
rules.  Turn over and start.  Good luck.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer examines his paper, looking more and more confused.  He looks
around at the others, but they all seem to be doing OK.  Finally (after
checking that Todhunter isn't looking) he rolls up his sleeve [_<400>]  only to
discover that he's smeared all his notes into illegibility!  After sitting
there in mortal terror for a moment, he simply slams his hand down on the
paper to leave an inky palm print, signs it, stands up, gives the bemused
Todhunter a spectacularly precise salute, and faints.


[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to the bridge.  Various people doing the usual technical-looking
things that people do on spaceship bridges in SF TV series.  Lister walks
in and goes to Kristine Kochanski's station.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Hi.  Where's 
the Captain's office?

[:nb]  It's over there.  Where it says Captain's Office.  Where it's always
said Captain's Office.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So that's 
the Captain's office!  So how are you then?

[:nb]  Fine.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Do you know 
what he wants to see me for?

[:nb]  Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah?

[:nb]  Yeah.  For your diligence and general devotion to duty.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah!

[:np] [:ra 245]
Captain Hollister walks in.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister!
[:np] [:ra 245]
They both enter the office.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You asked to 
see me,
Captain?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Where's the cat?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What?  What 
cat?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring 
aboard an unquarantined
animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, but
you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed
in the ship's lab.  Now, I'm going to ask you again.  Do you have a cat?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Holding up a photo of Lister and Frankenstein.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Have you got a cat?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Er, yes, 
that one.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Where'd you get it?  Titan?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yes.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Don't you realise that that thing could be 
carrying *anything?  Don't
you remember what happened on the `Oregon' with the rabbits?  Lister, a
loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere.  It could get into the
air ducts.  It could get into Holly.  You know, a little nibble here and a
little nibble there, Lister, and before you know it we're flying
*backwards.  Now I want that cat, and I want it *now.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Sir, just 
suppose I did have a cat, just suppose ...  what would you do
with Frankenstein?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  I'd send it down to the medical centre, and 
I'd have it cut up and
tests run on it.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Would you 
put it back together when you'd finished?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister, the cat would be dead.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So, with 
respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister, give me that cat!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  It's not as 
easy as that!  Me and the cat, we're going to have a baby
cat, and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji, and we're going to have a sheep
and a cow and three horses, it's me *plan, and no-one can get in the way
of it, not even you, and I do respect you.  Sir.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]]  Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the 
rest of the trip and
forfeit 18 months' wages?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]] [_<800>] Choose!

[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to a corridor somewhere in the ship.  Lister and Todhunter are
standing outside a stasis booth.  Two medical technicians wheel Rimmer past
on a stretcher.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Is this 
going to hurt?

[:nf]  Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No.

[:nf]  Oh, you don't feel a thing.  The stasis room creates a static field of
time.  See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a
stasis field, so, although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for
you, time itself does not exist.  You see, although you're still a mass,
you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a
quantum probability of zero.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh.  Simple 
as that, eh?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Todhunter opens the door, and Lister steps inside.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  OK, I'm 
ready.

[:nf]  See you in 18 months.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Closes the door.
[:nf]  Holly, activate the stasis
field.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  OK, Frank.

[:np] [:ra 245]
We see Lister waving through a window in the door.  Suddenly he freezes.

[_<1800>]
Cut to an extended outside shot of the ship, then back to the stasis
booth.  Lister unfreezes, the door opens, and he walks out.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Good 
morning, Dave.  It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I've only 
just gone in.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Please 
proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister walks down the corridor, looking around.  As he enters the mess, he
notices small piles of white powder on some of the tables.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Where is 
everybody, Hol?  [:np] [:ra 245]
Sticks his finger in one of the piles of
white powder and tastes it.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Appearing on a monitor on the wall.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  They're 
dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Who is?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Everybody, 
Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What, 
Captain Hollister?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Everybody's 
dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What, 
Todhunter?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Everybody's 
dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What, Selby?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  They're all 
dead.  Everybody's dead, Dave.
[_<1000>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to another corridor.  Lister is still trying to understand what Holly
is saying; you get the impression the conversation has been going on for
some time.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Petersen 
isn't, is he?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Everybody is 
*dead! Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Not Chen?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Gordon 
Bennett, yes, Chen, everybody.  Everybody's dead, Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  He's dead, 
everybody's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, Dave!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Wait.  Are 
you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Wish I'd 
never let him out in the first place now.

[_<900>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to the Drive Room.  Lister enters.  There are more of the little piles
of white powder everywhere.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  How?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  The drive 
plate was inefficiently repaired.  It blew, and the entire
crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2 before I could seal the
area.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister Brushes the powder off a chair and sits in it. 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, this is 
terrible.
And why is it so dirty around here, Hol?  What is this stuff?  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Dips his
finger in another pile and tastes it.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  That is 
Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister quickly spits out the powder.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  [ah<300>!]  
I've been eating half the crew!  And
who's that?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  That's 
Captain Hollister.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  And that's 
Todhunter.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  No, that's 
Second Technician Rimmer.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh, yeah.  I 
didn't recognise him without his report book.  What was
Rimmer doing in the Drive Room?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  He was 
explaining to the Captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate
properly.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So wait on.  
How long was I in stasis?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Well, I 
couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe
background level.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  How *long?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  [_<400>] 
Three million years. [_<400>]

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Three 
million years!  
[_<600>]
I've still got that library book.  And
what about Krissie?  What about Krissie Kochanski?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  She's dead, 
Dave.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh, hey.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  I don't 
suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the
age difference would be insurmountable.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  She was part 
of me plan.  I never got round to telling her, but she was
going to come with me to Fiji.  She was going to wear a white dress and
ride the horses and I was going to take care of everything else.  It was me
plan.  I planned it.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Well, she 
won't be much use to you on Fiji now.  Not unless it snows
and you need something to grit the path with.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Holly!

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Sorry.  I'm 
sorry about that.  I've been on my own for three million
years, and I'm just used to saying what I think.  I think I've gone a bit
peculiar, to tell you the truth.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So 
everyone's dead?  I'm on me own?  There's just me?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Well, 
technically speaking, yes.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What do you 
mean, `technically speaking'?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer walks in.  He's a hologram.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Hello, Lister.  
Long time no see.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer!  
You're a hologram!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Yes.  That's 
because I'm dead.  Dead as a kan of spam.  And it's all
thanks to you.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Me?  What 
did I do?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  If you hadn't kept 
that stupid cat, Lister, and hadn't been sent to
stasis, I would have had some help when I was mending the drive plate, and
I wouldn't be dead.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What's it 
like?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Death?  It's like 
being on holiday with a group of Germans.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, I mean 
being a hologram.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister waves his hand through Rimmer's stomach.  Rimmer jumps back in
disgust, and Lister looks at his hand in amazement.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Do you mind?  Being 
a hologram is fine, Lister.  I still have the same
drives, the same feelings, the same emotions, but I can't touch anything.
Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a
laughing child, or interfere with a woman sexually.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Rimmer, you 
never used to do any of those things anyway.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  But I would have 
done one day, murderer!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Hey, hey!  I 
didn't do anything!  It was *you* who didn't fix the drive
plates properly.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Is this me here?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Me?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Come on, 
Rimmer, look on the bright side.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  The bright side?  
What bright side?  I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of
light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a
stuffed iguana.  Where's the bright side?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What's an 
iguana?  And look, look, you're not dead, are you?  I mean,
you're dead, but you're not *dead* dead, because you're still here, aren't
you?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, I'm not 
really here!  I'm not really me!  Don't you see?  I'm
a computer simulation of me.  That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse
droppings.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Come on.  
Lot's of people have died.  lots of people have died and then
gone on and done really really well.  You're a hologram.  So what?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I suppose you're 
right, Lister.  I've got to pull myself together.  But
you've got to help me.  You've got to be my hands and my touch.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I know the 
sort of things you like to touch.  No way, Rimmer.  Forget
it.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Are you smoking, 
Lister?  In the Drive Room?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah.  I 
stopped for quite a while, but I'm back on them now.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You're on report, 
squire.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Reaches for his notebook, which isn't
there.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I can't write it 
down.  I'll remember it.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Ohhh  
[_<200>] Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the
dead and all that, but you're still a smeghead.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I beg your pardon?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Leaving the room.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I said, 
you're still a smeghead.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, do you have 
any conception of the penalty for describing a
deceased superior officer as a smeghead?  [:np] [:ra 245]
He goes to lean on a table, and
falls through it.

[_<1400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to a corridor.  Rimmer is following Lister.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, will you 
listen to me?  Just listen to me.  Just shut up.  Shut
up.

[:np] [:ra 245]
They proceed out of sight.  After they're gone, a panel falls off the
wall, and a guy dressed in a pink suit climbs out of an air duct.  This is
the Cat.  He does a somersault and three twirls.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Aaahhh, ooowww, [iy<200>.]  
How am I looking?  
[:np] [:ra 245]
He Pulls out a small mirror.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Looking nice.  No, wait a 
minute.  I'm looking better than nice.  I'm
looking dangerous.  Aaaoooww, dangerous!  Aaaooowww!   hey, what's that?
Oh, it's my shadow.  Hey, even my shadow's looking nice!  I'm looking nice,
my shadow's looking nice, what a team!  We are unbelievable!  OK, team,
this way.  No, this way.  Aaaooowww, yeah.  This way!

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to another corridor.  Rimmer is still following Lister.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Lister, just hold 
your horses.  Listen to me

[:np] [:ra 245]
He's interrupted by the Cat spinning into view.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Aaaooowww!  
[:np] [:ra 245]
he Notices Lister and Rimmer.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Oh oh.  Better make myself
look big!

[:np] [:ra 245]
The Cat holds up his claws and looks fierce.  Lister and Rimmer turn tail
and run.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Hee hee hee!  Fearsome.  I 
was fearsome!  Me and my shadow, ooohhh,
come on boy, walking down the avenue.

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to the mess.  Lister and Rimmer are backing away from the door, until
Lister backs into a table and nearly jumps out of his skin.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Aaahhh!  
Holly, what was that?

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  During the 
radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens were
safely sealed in the hold, and they've been breeding there for three
million years, and have evolved into the life form you just saw in the
corridor.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I don't get 
it.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  Well, you 
know how mankind evolved from apes?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah, I know 
that.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  He evolved 
from cats.  His ancestors were cats, he's descended from
cats, he is a cat.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Suddenly the Cat enters the room.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah 
[:np] [:ra 245]
Suddenly freezes as he notices the others.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Hello 
[_<300>] Cat?

[:np] [:ra 245]
The cat notices something on his sleeve.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Whoa!  Crease!  
[:np] [:ra 245]
he Pulls out a small
steam iron and runs it over the sleeve.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Stand back, Lister.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Screaming incoherently, Rimmer takes up a Kung Fu posture and leaps at the
cat, hands and feet flying everywhere.  He passes straight through the
astonished Cat and disappears out the door.

[_<900>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin.  Lister retrieves the milk and bowl and
some cereal from his locker and pours some out.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Here you go, 
Cat.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Ah, Krispies!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Holly says 
you like these.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  [m<100,15>m<100,13>m<200,17>!]

[:np] [:ra 245]
 [_<200>] Lister puts the bowl down on the floor, in the place he used to feed
Frankenstein.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Hey!  You monkeys eat off the 
*floor?  Ain't you got no style or
sophistication?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh, I'm 
sorry, Cat, I'm sorry.  [:np] [:ra 245]
he Picks up the bowl and puts it on the
table in front of the Cat.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  You people are unbelievable.  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Starts to lick up the cereal and milk
with his tongue.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Where are 
all your other catty friends, Cat?

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Good Krispies, man!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  But where 
are all the other little kitties?  Are they gone?  Are they
dead?  Have they left you?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Who cares?  I want 
it off the ship!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No!  He's 
coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Home?  And where 
exactly is home supposed to be?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Earth.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Earth?  What makes 
you think there'll be any Earth, Lister?  And even
if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years.
Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into?  To them, you'll be the
equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I could 
smarten meself up a bit.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Naah, you're a 
dinosaur, you're extinct, you've got nothing.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Hey, hey!  
I've still got me plan.  And I've still got a cat.  OK, it's
not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Did you say Frankenstein?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah, she 
was your great great great great great great grandmother or
something.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  The Holy Mother?  The Virgin 
Birth?  No-one believes that stuff!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  The Virgin Birth?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, it was a 
big black tom on Titan.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Frankenstein, yeah!  I 
remember that stuff from kitty school.  The Holy
Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and who
gaveth of his life that we might liv.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No!  No, 
it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!  It's *Lister* the
[_<300>]  stupid?

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Who shall returneth to lead us 
to Fushal, the Promised Land.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No, it's not 
Fushal, it's Fiji!  And I will!  I'll lead you there.  *That's* where we're 
going.  Holly, plot a course for Fiji.  Look
out, Earth [_<600>] the slime is coming home!

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
That was red dwarf: series one, episode one. The end.
It was converted for dectalk synthesis by Sean Randal. 
Look out for episode two coming sometime soon, or three million years 
yesturday: depends where you are.
Note to y'all: if anyone has a red dwarf theme song in rttl or midi with a 
clear melody track, plese send it to the list!
[_<100>]
catch ya soon!
the smeghead Sean.
---
the DECtalk list.
To unsubscribe, send a blank message to:
dectalk-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
and type
unsubscribe
in the subject field.
Moderators email:
shwatscoff@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
this list's homePage, and the unoficial DECtalk page is at,
//www.freelists.org/webpage/dectalk

• Follow-Ups:
  • [DECtalk], Re: relive the comedy, let DECtalk help you!
    • From: Stephen Clower

Other related posts:

• » [DECtalk], relive the comedy, let DECtalk help you!

1. Home
2. dectalk
3. Archive
4. 01-2003

---

• » Previous by Date
• » Next by Date
• » Related Posts
• » View list details
• » Manage your subscription

---