Dear Thomas Bryson,
I think a while back you asked about a Systemic Theory of sexuality in
one of your posts. (I have since had a computer crash, an interesting
experience!) I have been thinking about this. Thanks for the question.
I have not seen a Systemic Theory of Sexuality, but I would like to
offer some ideas. Bert Hellinger and I think Hunter Beaumont did
write extensively about this topic in Bert Hellinger's early books.
The ideas I have are not about so much about a person's sexual
preferences, but more about how to have a successful
intimacy/sexuality what-ever a person's sexual preference may be. My
scope when I construct this list is healthy adult to adult relating.
What I mean by that is two adults, who are able to face each other and
have an intimate relationship. Entanglements, exclusions, trauma or
projections may make such a relationship difficult, but the list below
is more about how the System can support intimacy or sexuality. The
idea of face to face relating I find interesting, because often the
natural movement of a woman is to look at the man's eyes, but for the
man, he may look away. My thoughts are that a couple of things effect
this, one that a man may struggle to accept love because of
difficulties with his early years with his mother, a relationship
where he can learn how to receive love. But also, men's protective
energy will encourage them to look away, at where danger may come
from. This is a natural movement. I often think that when a woman
yearns for her husband to gaze into her eyes, she is actually looking
for her mother.
When I think about what can support a healthy sexuality, I am
surprised how much my thoughts are influenced by working with
organisational constellations, not just in family constellations. I
think this is because if we can be more comfortable with who we are as
a son or daughter, or man or woman, people will relate to us more
easily in work situations as well.
Of course, what I write below this is just a theory, and the first
rule about a rule or theory is that it will be broken, changed
improved etc, and will not always be applicable. And whenever we name
or describe something we cannot capture the fullness of it.
These ideas come from Constellations, including cases of heterosexual
relationships and same-sex attracted relationships. I tend to do
quite a few cases where clients have issues regarding their maleness
or femaleness and these cases have helped construct this list. What I
tend to find is that for healthy intimate relating just being the son
or the daughter, or the man or the woman is what usually matters. I am
very interested in 'position' so I tend to ask participants in the
early stages of a workshop if they can say the major roles of their
lifes. Eg son, woman, mother, husband, boss, facilitator, or whatever.
It helps people understand if they are not in these positions and
that, in turn, helps people understand why parenting is maybe hard or
they are not respected by their staff at work etc. This exercise seems
to help people formulate or stengthen the issue they want to work on.
It also helps people understand one of the major purposes of
Constellations, the taking up of these roles or positions so we can
face our life and our future.
This is what I offer.
A Systemic Theory of Sexuality:
1. Maleness and Femaleness must be allowed and given their true place
and space.
2. Gender is best affirmed when recognised by one's family or
ancestors of the opposite gender.
3. A child's gender takes precedence over their birth order.
4. An excluded conception can limit other siblings reaching their full
maleness or femaleness.
5. Fathering and Mothering take precedence over all other life tasks
except procreation.
6. The affirmation by parents of their children as son or daughter
takes precedence over all family loyalties.
7. A person's gender takes precendence over their sexual preferences.
8. Is is easier for adults to choose their relationship when standing
with their parents behind them.
9. Receiving love as a child allows us to receive intimacy as an adult.
10. Feeling protected as a child makes intimacy safer as an adult.
11. Male energy focuses outside and female energy focuses inside.
12. Men are just men and women are just women.
All the best
David Mathes
Sydney and Beijing
