[bksvol-discuss] OT, but I just had to share it.
- From: Cindy <popularplace@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: bksvol-discuss@xxxxxxxxxxxxx, bookshare-discuss@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 15:45:13 -0800 (PST)
I started to send this before but I had to leave. I
hope I didn't click send before I left and that as a
result this is a duplicate. If it is, I apologize. I
couldn't find it in my sent file.
Also, I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did.
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won
first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa
to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell
those things at
Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,
"What does this do?
You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I
made it to the inflatable
doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come
in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of
the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled for Lovable
Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To
call Louise
a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled
the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but
had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
come back and bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas
dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to
steer her into the
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on Granny, hang
on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that
we realized this might
be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly
Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in
front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,
and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that
Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape,
we restored her to
perfect health!
Merry Christmas
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