[windows2000] OT - Christmas Humor

  • From: "Greg Reese" <GReese@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: <thin@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <windows2000@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2003 08:39:20 -0500

Thought you might need a laugh just now, as you hurry around to be ready in 
time for December 25:
On gift wrapping (by Dave Barry)

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when 
the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, 
and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, 
frankincense, and myrrh.'' These are simple words, but if we analyze them 
carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact:
There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, 
Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of 
paper. And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And 
Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth it! 
That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' " "And Joseph DID rolleth his 
eyeballs. And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for 
example, the frankincense.'' But these words do not appear in the Bible, which 
means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the 
people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper 
on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: 
This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One 
is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's 
such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it.'' The 
other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a 
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had 
to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,'' Gene said. "They were 
the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.'' I also wrap gifts, but because 
of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take 
a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of 
wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done 
folding and taping, you can still see a sector
of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking 
pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half 
of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she 
can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping 
things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the 
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental 
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills (like having babies) that 
come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting: 


Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient 
opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your 
own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half 
horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They 
must be smoking crack.

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it 
inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a 
festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas 

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is NOT what you give, or how 
you wrap it.

The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save 
the receipt.

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