<USS Meridian> =/\= Talking It Through, part one =/\=
- From: HotSheep4U@xxxxxxx
- To: ussmeridian@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sun, 12 Dec 2004 21:52:46 EST
=/\= Talking It Through, part one =/\=
Sarah thought it was kind of neat having Rikka follow her around Sickbay as
she did her rounds and checked on equipment and such. There were very few
patients at the moment, and they were being tended by the other doctors on this
shift. Sarah was primarily on-call for now, though later she would be the only
doctor in Sickbay and then would be in charge of all the patients. So when she
finished her checking, she took Rikka to the little lounge that served as a
lunchroom for the doctors and nurses on duty, and went to the replicator. "Hot
chocolate?" she asked Rikka. "Or something else?"
Rikka found everything Sarah was showing her interesting, but mostly she just
liked being with her friend. She smiled at Sarah's question. "With whipped
cream?" she asked back.
"Of course!" Sarah grinned, and gave the order to the replicator for two hot
chocolates with whipped cream. When they appeared, she took the tray from the
slot and brought it to a table. There were no viewports in this tiny inside
lounge, but Sarah set the wall screen to show the ship's forward view. "So do
you really despise the Counselor?" she asked in a humorous way as she gave
Rikka
her cup of cocoa.
Rikka shrugged. "I don't really know him that well yet. But..." she paused
for a moment before continuing. "He just seems..." She couldn't find the word
she was looking for. "I don't know. I liked my friend Nicole better, you know?"
"Yeah," agreed Sarah. "I know. I meant, really, do you despise the schoolwork
he's giving you? Because I bet you'd do better with the tutorials I learned
from at the school I went to. We had all computerized tutorials and then the
teachers gave us extra help when we needed it."
She took a mouth full of the whipped cream getting some of it on her nose in
the process. "I liked having other kids in school with me. I miss having them
to talk to, sometimes. The work the Counselor is giving me is kinda boring,
too."
Sarah slurped up some of her whipped cream as well. "Unfortunately, I don't
think there's any way to have other kids in school with you," she said
apologetically. "But maybe you can take the classes by extension and join a
study
group on the 'net. I'll look into it and if it looks like it would work out,
I'll
talk to your dad about it." She hesitated. "And the Counselor." Though she
always felt like he wanted to pry into things that were none of his business.
Rikka nodded. "Does that mean you would take over helping me with school?"
Her voice was hopeful.
"I would like to," said Sarah. "But the final decision is up to your dad."
She sipped her cocoa. "Rikka, honey... I don't know quite how to say what I
want
to say. I don't want you to misunderstand."
Rikka was excited about the prospect of Sarah acting as her tutor. But her
friend's expression had changed and she was looking serious. Like a grown-up.
"What is it?"
It was hard to put it into words, but Sarah had to try. "I'm a little
scared," she confessed. "I've never been anybody's parent or even a big sister.
And I
don't want you to think I'm trying to take your mom's place." She gazed into
her mug, not sure if her words were getting the point across.
Rikka sipped her cocoa again. She still had a spot of whipped cream on the
tip of her nose. "But you are my friend right?" She had a worried expression on
her face. "And don't friends share things with each other? Like secrets and
stuff?" She was worried that Sarah thought she might be telling people about
what she could do.
"Always," Sarah reassured her, and reinforced it with a light telepathic
touch. "I will always be your friend, and share things." She smiled. "I just
didn't want you to think... well, anyway, I could never take your mom's place,
because no one can ever fill someone else's place. You know?"
Rikka nodded. "Like how it was different in here." She pointed to her head,
"when we were on the holodeck?"
Sarah nodded. ~~But you can hear me talk to you like this even when we're not
in the holodeck,~~ she commented silently.
Rikka nodded again and tried to answer the same way, but couldn't. She
attempted several times to go through the steps Sarah had shown her but the
attempts
all failed. She sighed a frustrated sigh and answered verbally. "But I meant
the feelings and stuff. It was similar to mom but not the same. You know?"
"It's all right," Sarah said quietly to Rikka's obvious frustration. "You
have to grow into it. But of course it's similar but not the same. Because no
one
can really take someone else's place." And she gave Rikka a touch of the warm
feeling they were talking about.
Rikka smiled at the touch and tried to show Sarah that she had a warm feeling
for her too. This one worked a little better. Again it was short but it had
lasted longer than it did the other day. Rikka didn't speak this time. She just
nodded her understanding.
With both hands wrapped around her cocoa mug, Sarah asked softly, "When you
said that you sometimes think about going where your mom is... do you think
about that now, or only when you were littler?"
Rikka shifted in her seat, feeling a litttle uncomfortable. She copied the
way Sarah was holding her mug by placing her hands around her own mug as best
she could. It was a mug for an adult, and her hands were a bit smaller. She sat
up as straight as she could and looked down into the mug a bit. And in a voice
that was nearly a whisper she finally answered, "Both, I guess." She shifted
again in her seat. "Mostly when I was littler, though."
Sarah nodded, and again projected the warm comforting feeling. She wasn't a
counselor and felt just a bit out of her depth, but this was important and she
didn't trust Oridian to help Rikka with it. "What do you suppose happens when
we die?" she asked curiously.
Rikka shrugged. "I dunno. Ma and Papa think that you get to be with others
who died before. I guess I think so, too. I mean, it would be scary to be dead
and be by yourself all the time," Rikka said, like she was saying the time of
day.
"You know," Sarah said slowly, "when I was little, I never thought about it.
I guess in that way, you're a lot smarter than I am." She had thought about it
more, recently, when she was doing so much remembering of her People's
memories.
"I guess I just think it would be neat to see my Mom. Maybe meet Daddy's
mommy and daddy and talk to them." She had a bit of a smile on her face now.
Her
fertile imagination was playing with the images and thoughts she was
expressing. "Don't you think about it? Having a picnic or camping or something
with your
Mom and Dad?"
Nodding again, Sarah said, "It would be neat. But I don't think we go on the
same way after we die. Our bodies are cast aside and what's left is the part
of us that makes us unique. And that part goes to be with all of our Befores,
and with God. At least, that's what I believe. But of course it's a fact that
you can't take your body with you."
Rikka nodded. She could tell that Sarah was worried about her. But at the
same time, she didn't want to have to stop thinking about it. "Sometimes I
think
about it a lot. Like on special days, on my birthday or Daddy's. Or sometimes
on Mom's birthday or Rembrance Day. I think about being with her on those
days. And sometimes just because I don't want to be sad about her any more."
"I know your mom wouldn't want you to go on being sad about her," Sarah said
with a warm smile, and reached across the table to pat Rikka's hand. "Where
she is now, there's no pain and nothing can ever hurt her or make her sad, so
she would certainly want you to be happy and not hurt. It's okay to miss people
when they're not with us any more," she added by way of clarification, "but
they wouldn't want us to hurt and be sad all the time from missing them."
She smiled at the touch and hung on to Sarah's hand before her face darkened
again. "Sometimes, I think that Mom misses me too. And that she doesn't
want..." The little girl was getting scared and her little voice was starting
to
shake a bit. She was fighting back the urge to cry but it was a battle she was
losing. "She doesn't want to..." She sniffed again. "to be apart any more." She
broke then and sobbed heavily. "But it scares me, too. I think of Mommy...
wanting to be with me and then I think of Daddy... having to stay." Her words
were coming in broken fits and starts between breaths as she cried. "Having to
stay here. Missing us... missing me... I get so confused."
The small table slid aside and Sarah brought Rikka across the short distance
to her lap, wrapping her arms around the little girl and letting her cry.
~~It's all right,~~ she reassured her. ~~It's all right.~~ For once it didn't
matter if anyone had looked in and seen the table slide or Rikka move through
the
air. Feelings were much more important than secrets, right now.
Rikka gasped a bit as she felt herself being pulled to Sarah's lap without
being touched physically. But as soon as she felt Sarah's arms around her,
hugging her and holding her, she cried again. Harder than she had been before.
Sarah stroked the soft blonde hair as Rikka cried into her chest and
shoulder. She thought it might have been easier for the child if she had any
actual
memories of her mother, but Rikka had simply been too young to form memories.
All she had was the memory of her mother's presence in her mind, and the gaping
hole where that presence was missing. Sarah thought in frustration, for the
umpteenth time, that a Sorter could fix Rikka's problem and take away the
pain... but she wasn't a Sorter. All she could do was pour soothing warmth into
the
hole and hope it helped.
She was beginning to calm down a bit. Her breath was still coming in gasps
and gulps. But the tears were subsiding.
"I love you," Sarah whispered.
Rikka gave Sarah a big hug. "I love you too, Sarah," she sniffed. Her nose
was running a bit because of her tears, even though she had stopped shedding
them now. She still had her face buried in her friend's shoulder. The dampness
from her tears caused her to pull her face away and look at Sarah. "I've never
told anyone those things before."
Sarah stroked her hair again, and brought a tissue over from the box on the
counter, without touching it. "I know," said Sarah. "And it hurts and it's
confusing and that makes it hard to think about and hard to talk about, hmm?"
She
took the tissue from where it hovered in mid-air and handed it to Rikka. "I
know," she repeated softly.
Rikka nodded and took the tissue. "I don't think Daddy even knows," she said,
as she wiped her eyes and then blew her nose.
"Did you want to keep it a secret from him?" Sarah asked.
She shrugged a bit. "I dunno. He would get mad at me. He'd probably make me
go see the Counselor more, and I don't really want to." She was starting to get
her breath back. She laid her head back on Sarah's shoulder. "Your shoulder
is all wet."
With a moment's concentration, Sarah dried the shoulder of her uniform tunic.
"Better?" Without waiting for an answer, she went on, "I don't mind getting
my shoulder wet for you, Rik. It's what love does. And," she added, a fierce
note creeping into her voice, "no one will make you see the Counselor if you
don't want to. I won't let them make you."
Rikka giggled a bit at the way Sarah dried her shirt. But she looked at Sarah
for a second. "You're going to tell Daddy, aren't you?"
"Not if you don't want me to," Sarah promised. "I think he should know, but
if you want to keep a secret, I'll keep it with you." And she cuddled Rikka
close to her. It felt good to have the child's warm weight on her lap. It felt
right.
"Why do you think he should know?" Rikka asked, enjoying being cuddled and
comforted. After the way her body had been wracked with anguish, she was
feeling a bit drained. But Sarah holding her helped keep the fatigue away.
"Because he loves you and wants you to be happy... and he can help hug away
the sad and hurt, too, just like this." And Sarah gave Rikka a little squeeze.
"And because he misses your mom, too."
Rikka nodded. "Do I have to be the one to tell him? If you tell him maybe he
won't get mad at me."
"He won't be mad," Sarah promised. "But I'll tell him if you want me to. Only
you have to be there when I do, okay?"
She nodded again. "Okay." She wasn't convinced that her father wouldn't be
mad, but she agreed to be there when Sarah told him what she had said.
"Love you, Rikka!" And Sarah hugged her tight.
Rikka hugged Sarah tight too. "Love you too, Sarah!" She giggled a bit.
Sarah laughed along with her. "I am going to have to teach you to lift," she
said in a teasing tone, but only half joking. She wondered if Rikka was
capable of learning it. "Because..." she laughed, completely joking now, "you
are
heavy on my lap!"
She giggled. "I can get down." She slid off Sarah's lap a bit reluctantly.
"I'm sorry... I was just liking the way it felt when you were holdiing me like
that," she admitted.
"I was just teasing..." Sarah said sadly, and held out her arms. "I like
holding you like that, too."
Rikka grinned and hopped back into her lap as soon as the words were out of
Sarah's mouth. "I wish that you..." She stopped a moment. "Never mind," she
finished, and blushed a little before changing her mind on sharing that little
admission just now.
"What do you wish?" Sarah asked, stroking Rikka's hair again. She wished,
too, but she didn't quite have the right words to describe her wish. Maybe
Rikka
could find the words for her.
She blushed again and shook her head. "I can't wish for that. It isn't
right."
Sarah wondered what a six-year-old could wish that wasn't right, but she
didn't push. "It's okay," she sighed. "Sometimes we just want to wish for
everything to be perfect when it can't be."
"It isn't that." She said. "It's just... you said it would be..." Maybe this
was different though, she thought.
"...if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell Daddy. Okay?" she said.
"I promise I won't tell him unless it is something that's dangerous to your
life," said Sarah, very seriously.
She leaned toward Sarah's ear to tell her. And when she spoke she did so in a
whisper. "I wish you could be my mom." She turned in Sarah's lap a bit so she
was facing her, and blushed. "You can't tell Daddy, though. You promised,
remember?"
~~I won't tell him,~~ Sarah vowed, although she was blushing, too. She hugged
Rikka tighter.
Rikka giggled at the message and at the sight of Sarah blushing a bit.
But it was very nearly what Sarah had been wishing, too. She blushed more as
she realized that. And then had to change the subject before she got all
teary-eyed.
"Your dad will be finishing work about now and coming to get you."
Rikka nodded. "Will you tell him then?"
"We can tell him together." She set Rikka on the floor, standing, and stood
up herself. "I bet our hot chocolate has turned into cold chocolate by now." It
had. She put the mugs in the recycler and got fresh ones from the replicator
to carry back to her cubicle.
"I'm not really thirsty any more." She said. She was nervous. She wasn't sure
what her father was going to say, but she knew it was going to be tough.
"Aw, we'll take them along, just in case. Chocolate can help calm you down,"
said Sarah. She carried the tray in one hand and took Rikka's hand with the
other, smiling her reassurance.
Rikka smiled up at her but the nerves still showed. "I'm scared, Sarah."
"It's okay..." Sarah led her the short distance back to her cubicle, set the
tray on the desk, and took Rikka back onto her lap. She was cuddling the
little girl close and stroking her hair again, giving her warmth and love, when
Alex appeared in the doorway.
Alex took in the scene of his daughter and Sarah cuddling like that and
smiled. He almost chuckled a bit. "Well... what have we here?" he asked
playfully.
Upon reflection, though, the scene disturbed him a bit. The image of the two
of them sitting that way together looked quite familial rather than that of two
friends. It concerned him, but only a little.
"Sometimes," Sarah said with as much dignity as she could muster, "everyone
just needs a good hug." She grinned up at him. "Right, Rik?"
Rikka nodded. Her eyes were still red from her crying before, and so was her
nose. It didn't take much for Alex to figure out that something had happened.
So before Rikka could speak, he did. "Are you alright, Rik? Were you hurt?" He
opened his arms to her and she rushed to him giving him a big hug. He looked
at Sarah with a question in his eyes. Why has my daughter been crying? And
crying hard too.
"Maybe you'd better sit down for a bit," Sarah suggested quietly. And the
other chair scooted itself into a convenient position for him to do just that.
His eyes narrowed, but he did as Sarah suggested. "Something did happen. Did
she trip over something?" He was looking over his daughter feeling her arms
and legs trying to see if he could feel anything out of place.
"Only over some sad feelings," said Sarah. "We decided to tell you about them
together." She looked at Rikka with concern, silently encouraging her to say
something.
"We were talking about Mom a little." Rikka offered. She didn't really want
to have to say anything.
Alex nodded. "I would think that would make you sad, Rik. But we've talked
about that. It's okay if you feel sad talking about Mom." He turned back to
Sarah. "I remember her coming out of her first few sessions with Nicole looking
like this. Her face blotchy and tear streaked. Her eyes swollen. I am not
surprised that she broke down with you. She hasn't had much luck talking with
the
Counselor."
"The Counselor can't give her a warm to fill up that empty hole," Sarah
murmured, exactly loud enough for him to hear her. And a little more clearly,
she
said, "He's not very empathetic -- with either of us. But we were talking about
how it feels to be without someone you love very much, and who loves you very
much..." She hesitated, and her next words were spoken very softly and
gently. "And about how sometimes you want to go where they've gone, to be with
them
again, because you miss them so much."
Alex's eyes widened, not sure that this was an appropriate subject for his
daughter to be discussing with anyone. At least, not at her age. But as he
watched Sarah, he saw where she was looking. She wasn't looking away from him,
she
was looking at Rikka. His eyes widened still further before returning to
normal. It took him another few moments before he was able to speak. His eyes
never
left Sarah's. "It wasn't Sarah that brought this up. Was it, Rik?"
The little girl didn't want to answer, so she just looked back and forth
between the floor and her father.
Even though she was on the other side of the desk, Sarah reached out with her
mind to give Rikka the hug she couldn't give with her arms right now.
She looked over to Sarah having felt her in her mind. Then looked at her
father and nodded.
"It's a very scary feeling to have," Sarah whispered.
Alex looked at the floor knowing that fear all too well and nodded, saying,
"Yes, it is." It sounded like a simple admission even though it was anything
but.
Sarah had her arms wrapped around herself as she shivered a bit, but her mind
was stretched out, embracing the two on the other side of her desk, offering
reassurance... and hope... and love.
Alex and Rikka could both feel the emotions Sarah was sending to them with
her mind. It felt a little strange to Alex, but it felt good too. "I remember
feeling that way the first few months afer I heard," Alex admitted. "It hurt a
lot."
"I think," Sarah said slowly. "I think anyone who has lost someone they love
very much, has felt that way sometimes." She looked at Rikka. "And I think
it's okay to feel that way sometimes as long as we don't act out our feelings."
Alex agreed. Rikka, however, wasn't so sure. "But I want to. If it is okay to
feel like you want to go to them, why can't you?" It was a difficult
question. But also one that was not atypical of Rikka. She could ask tough
questions.
Sarah, however, had an answer for her. "Because then you'll go back to the
Presence without finishing your life here, and you'll miss out on so much," she
explained. "We're here for a reason, to do things and to love each other, and
to help other people learn how to love. And if you're not here, you can't do
what you came here for in the first place."
"But isn't it like you said? We're Called when we die? Isn't it like Mom
calling me?" she asked. "And how do I know what I am here to do?"
"Only the Power -- God -- can Call you," said Sarah. "What you think is
calling you is really your feelings. I know, because my feelings try to trick
me
that way too, sometimes." She smiled, and held out her hands to the child.
Rikka went to her, but looked back to her father. It amazed him how much the
three of them had in common, really. "Rikka, honey. I know it seems like your
Mom is calling. But Sarah is right. It isn't really her. It's how you remember
feeling wih her." He smiled at a memory of his own about her mother but
suppressed it quickly. "It sounds like her. It even kind of feels like her. But
it
isn't her. And as for what you are supposed to do here? You have your drawing.
And most importantly, you have to grow up." He smiled at Rikka. "That is what
you are supposed to be here for."
Sarah scooped Rikka into a hug again, and then let go, but left her floating
just a couple inches above the floor, standing on nothing. And smiled at her,
eyes twinkling.
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