[ussgeorgetown] "Second Chances" Lt.Cmdr Syd Morgan & Lt. Tawny King
- From: LtCmdrSydMorgan@xxxxxxx
- To: ussgeorgetown@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sat, 9 Jul 2005 01:05:29 EDT
"Second Chances"
Lt.Cmdr Syd Morgan & Lt. Tawny King
She actually didn't want to talk to me, she couldn't get away fast enough, I
must've screwed up big time. Only one way to find out.
Syd left the mess hall with her mind all a jumble, she said to meet her in
the arboretum, to talk. After wandering around for a while she noticed the
time and didn't want to be late, she was nervous enough as it was. She walked
into the arboretum, finding a bench in the back. She sat down for a few
minutes
then got up. She couldn't sit still. She started to pace around looking at
the stars wondering if T was really going to show up.
Tawny stood outside the arboretum, shifting from one foot to the other,
uncertain she really wanted to go in. What are you doing to say, stupid? she
asked
herself. Gee, I'm sorry, but you see I've been so fucked over in the head by
everyone I've been with before you I'm simply incapable of being with a
normal, loving, decent person. Sorry...
She wanted to scream. To cry. To run away. Instead, she drew a deep breath
and entered the arboretum, hoping Syd wasn't too angry, and hoping she'd be
able to find the words she needed when the time came.
The only sound in the arboretum was the sound of Syd's heart beating faster
than normal. She didn't have a clue as to what was going to happen or what she
would say. She just wanted to changes things. She had missed T and really
wanted to talk to her.
Still pacing, she felt like she was going to wear a hole in the floor. When
she turned around she saw T standing there. God she looks beautiful... She
wanted to say that and more, but instead all she could say was, "Hi."
"Hi," Tawny answered quietly, not sure what else to say as Syd came into
view. God, she looks so perfect, she thought. What the hell is she doing here
with someone like me?
"You want to sit down?" Syd pointed to the nearby bench.
"yeah..okay..." T answered too quickly, her nerves raw and on edge.
"Sure...why not." She sat down quickly, still trying to figure out how to
explain
what was going on in her head.
"You look beautiful, especially under the stars. I've missed you." Just say
what you feel, the worst that can happen is she rejects you, and it wouldn't
be the first time.
Tawny looked at her, stunned at her openness, her eyes filling with unbidden
tears. "I'm ...I'm sorry. I know this is difficult enough for you without
adding complications...and...well....I guess I'm ...complicated.
Relationships...love...trust..the kind that you build something real on..." she
shook her
head, looking away. "I'm sorry. I'm not feeling
particularly..beautiful...right now." You owe her a better explanation that
that, she chided herself
silently. She deserves to know what's going on.
And yet, none came. She was still no clearer on how to explain than she had
been when she ran out the last time they were here.
"Life is complicated...but...if we talk about it, maybe we can understand it
and each other better. I never meant to push you and I am sorry if that is
what you thought I was doing. I suppose I just got caught up in the moment and
didn't think about how you felt. I truly am sorry for that. I want you to be
able to talk to me and vice versa. I'm not going anywhere. Please...talk to
me."
Syd didn't know what else to say.
"You didn't push me," Tawny answered, surprised that Syd would think that.
"I was there with you, and I wanted...I did..I just..." she shook her head as
the tears began to flow down her cheeks. "I got scared. I ..."she turned away,
wiping her cheeks quickly and kicking herself for acting so stupid. You're
worse than a child, she told herself angrily. Is this the best you have to
offer her?
Sadly, the answer appeared to be a loud and resounding 'yes'.
Gently Syd placed her hand on T's shoulder. "It's okay to be scared. You
told me that. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I just want to
know you. If that's all there is then that's okay." What are you nuts, you
know you want more?
"It's funny," Tawny laughed hollowly. "here Von and the girls come to me for
advice on their relationships. Like I have all the answers. Even today, she
had issues and I'm pushing her...go on...just talk to Ari...if you love her,
you have to be open with her and communicate..." she looked up at Syd
helplessly. "too bad I can't follow my own advice, isn't it? And it's not that
I
don't want to explain...or to help you understand...and it's not that I don't
want to be here with you, you have no idea...how badly I want to be with you
it's just..." she faltered then and looked away. "I have no idea how to make
this work...to open up...and trust..and risk...and have it ...hurt...and...to
do
that again...I can't..."
Syd had tears in her own eyes. She wanted to make Tawny believe that she
wouldn't intentionally hurt her but she didn't know how. "Remember when we
first
met and you showed me the big dipper? Do you remember what you told me?"
Tawny nodded, unwilling to trust herself to speak as she tried to pull
herself together.
"You held me and said, 'I promise not to fight what I feel with you, and
never to intentionally hurt you in any way. I can't promise that things will
never change, Syd. I'm just not omniscient enough for that. People grow
distant...or they become closer...and we don't have any way of knowing what
will be.
I know that it feels like something real..something permanent...and I promise
to let it be if it will."
Syd wanted so desperately to put her arms around Tawny and just hold her. "I
replied that that was all I ever wanted, was someone who would be honest with
me If it is meant to be it will be and I think we have a good chance. I am
not asking for the world Tawny, just for some time with you, anything you can
give me will be enough. I still feel that way."
She looked at Tawny and took a chance. "Will you let me hold you? Nothing
else, just hold you and keep you safe."
Tawny put her arms around Syd gratefully, allowing herself to be held close,
safe and protected in the arms of the one she loved. And yes, she let
herself admit. She did love her.
But that was what frightened her most.
Syd held Tawny close, not wanting to let go. It felt good to hold her and to
feel her against her own body. "We will take things as slow as you want. I
will be here and as long as we keep talking, in time it won't be so scary. Ya
think?"
Tawny nodded, smiling,then laughing as her stomache rumbled loudly. "I don't
suppose you're up to a bit to eat?" she asked, shaking her head, smiling as
she brushed away the last of her tears. Blushing, she added, "I think I sort
of skipped lunch...."
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