<USS Banshee> Ivy Lesser

  • From: Cannon Everett <youwerealmostkind@xxxxxxxxx>
  • To: ussbanshee@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Fri, 1 Oct 2004 15:41:39 -0700 (PDT)

Ivy Lesser

By Ensign Cannon Everett


God damn it. In one tiny blissful moment, it seemed that things on the USS 
Banshee were going normal. Well, not normal; when are things ever normal? 
Smoothly. Well, that too. Sane. Things on the Banshee seemed to be going sane. 
And then that waddling hoot, Cannon Everett, decides to hop back on board and 
stir everything up again, like a lame bird flying uncontrollably into a 
perfectly decorated wedding cake. Already, he had addressed Captain Andros in 
inappropriate manners: ?okey dokey, Arti-chokey,? and ?yipper, Skipper!? 


One would think that those poor women, Sara and Cyanah Kaelyre, would have 
straightaway been accosted by this chump, never being able to pull away from 
his tractor beam of indecency. It was lucky for them that guilt and shame had 
finally managed to sink into his pumice skull, and he kept silent, and he kept 
out of sight. And who did he think he was talking to all of the time? A nearby 
security officer in the security office passed by and heard him talking about 
something called a ?Revorena.? And there was no one else in the room. 


Nincompoop and a nutcase.




Presently, Cannon Everett idled in the security office, his boots propped up 
onto a desk, his fingers interlaced behind his head, some biological 
skin-hammock, and he stared up at the ceiling. He thought, which was moving. 
Actual comprehensions seemed to limp through his synapses one by one. Oh, don?t 
get him wrong; none of his thoughts were pertinent?to anything. His strange 
mission from up on high didn?t seem to bear on him its importance, whatever it 
was. Randy, the blue being that seemed to appear and disappear at will, had 
momentarily given up on the Texan twit. Even the angelic, the ones-from-beyond, 
the celestial beings from ?Eternity? grew tired of his idiocy.


To refresh any memory latencies, Eternity, the invisible unreachable star we 
all go to when we die, was threatened by extinction. An unknown time 
catastrophe occurred in which three people called the ?Revorena,? who blessed 
Eternity?s sand, were taken to the living worlds and reborn as human beings 
thirty years ago. As the time catastrophe happened thirty or so years in the 
future, there would be no way to salvage the damage before Eternity itself 
rotted away. Cannon Everett, being the only person who happened to be looking 
right at Eternity?s star when it all happened as a small child, had become the 
only hope of humankind.


Great. Just great.


So now, the fool wanders, unknowingly about to play the biggest part in the 
maintenance of the universe itself. Human voices, from real, living, tangible 
people, had become estranged to him, so when Ivy Lesser, transplant from the 
USS Jonas, walked into the security office and said, ?Excuse me, where can I 
find Lieutenant Castillo?? he was startled.


?Whoa, whoa!? he shouted, hopping up and waving his arms recklessly. ?You darn 
good scared me to death! Boy, Ah tell you, it sure is good seein? another 
person around here. Damn thought people were plain avoidin? me!?


?Now why would anyone do that? You seem like a nice enough person. What?s your 
name?? Ivy approached him and offered a hand.


What, screamed Cannon?s unconscious. A woman is talking to me? This is strange.


?Ah?seem lahk a nass enough person?? Cannon stammered, taking her hand and 
shaking it rigorously. ?Wah that?d be jes the nassest thing anyone on this ship 
has said to me since Ah first got on board! Nah what would your name be, little 
lady?? And there went his Southern gentleness, an innate sort of behavior that 
almost overshadowed his complete lack of common sense and grip on reality.


Ivy blushed at his gentlemanly seizure and kiss of her hand. The strange man in 
front of her was the furthest thing from her expectations upon boarding the 
ship. ?Ensign Ivy Lesser, formerly of the USS Jonas. Now, back to the question 
at hand, where is Lieutenant Castillo??


?Ah was actually wonderin? that myself,? was Cannon?s reply. Then he reverted 
back to the desk and propped his feet up once more. ?Ah was jes gonna sit here 
an? wait for him to come back. Ah don?t think it?ll be too long. Wanna have a 


The young woman, tall and brunette with milky pale skin and hands that looked 
like they were thieved from a marble statue, smiled uneasily and sat down. ?How 
long have you been on board, Mr. Everett??


?Nah, call me Cannon,? he said, holding up a hand and waving it. That damn 
nitwit smile still formed a legato between his cheeks. ?Ah?ve been servin? Ms. 
Banshee here for a little over half a year, Ah done. But Ah was kinda on Leave 
of Absence. Jes got back, actually, today. Didn?t realize how much Ah missed it 
until Ah was on the bridge, talkin? to Captain Andros. Ah think you?ll lahk 
Captain Andros. He seems to have his head tightly screwed on. Not somethin? we 
Banshee boys and girls can all say for ourselves!? With this, Cannon laughed a 
tittering little chatter of high-pitched squeals, alternating with mild 


History was made just then. Another entity, another sentient being, laughed at 
something originating from the mouth of Cannon Everett. Ivy Lesser?s chuckle 
stopped Cannon?s life signs dead in their tracks. ?Bah shit, no one?s ever 
laughed at me before. Well that?s not true. No one?s ever laughed with me 


?I find that hard to believe, Cannon,? said Ivy, leaning forward and giving him 
a courteous smile. The next little while was spent ideally, conversing about 
pasts and presents and futures, this and that. Cannon edaciously engaged with 
her, never seeming to want to let her go. The human touch, even if verbal, was 
decadent to him. Ms. Ivy Lesser was born (and this he remembered ? all of it) 
on a planet called ?Ariel,? the ?planet beside the star.? It was an ancient 
religious term. The Lessers, Ivy?s parents, were originally from Earth, and had 
moved to Ariel during their youth; they were married young. Life on board the 
USS Jonas was hard because Ivy?s ex-husband (she was married young too, at the 
tender age of eighteen) of three years was her chief. She was in science then, 
and began retraining herself for security, and when her certificate of 
achievement had finally come, bearing her name, she left the ship and her old 
life behind, transferring over to the Banshee. ??which br
 ings me


?Do go on!? Cannon said. ?Do go on!?


Glancing at the time, she shrugged and kindly smiled at him. ?I appreciate your 
enthusiasm to hear about my life, and would love to share it with you sometime, 
but now, I?ve got to go familiarize myself with the command. Say, perhaps I?ll 
come by your quarters later tonight and we?ll have dinner. I?ll make everything 
and come and pick you up, okay??


Too incredulous by Ivy?s overwhelming benevolence to dissuade her from 
preparing anything herself, Cannon nodded and said, ?Ah?d love to,? before 
watching her leave him peacefully. 


?Wonderful,? came a familiar voice. ?Just wonderful. Your first distractions 
are now safely out of sight and right into your hands comes another. Just what 
am I going to do now??


?Oh Ah don?t think she?s a distraction a?tall!?


?From your mission, Cannon,? Randy barked in his ear. ?I know you know I can?t 
do anything, but I strongly recommend, I strongly suggest, that Ivy Lesser 
stays out of your life for your good and for the good of mankind.?


?But she?s not a bad girl, Randy,? Cannon said, still gawking at the closed 
door through which she had just exited. 


Randy sighed and bowed his head, saying, ?She?s not. She?s not a bad person. 
But you are just not a good person to trust without disconnecting you from the 
rest of humanity. Why do you think I opposed your return to the ship? Because 
people distract you, Cannon. And you cannot be distracted. Cannon!?




?Are you listening to me??


?Oh. Uh, yeah. Ah am.? 


?If you have to see Ivy Lesser, because I know she?s the only person who seems 
remotely interested in befriending you, then see her. But keep in mind that the 
universe, out of some divine screw-up, rests on your shoulders. Don?t let that 
thought be replaced by thoughts of Ivy Lesser. Do you understand??


Cannon did, and he himself was shocked at that. Randy vanished again and the 
so-called screw-up-savior bolted out of security and navigated to his cabin, 
where he would find his best clothes for the first date of his life. 


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