<USS Banshee> "Holodeck Hijinx"
- From: "Brad Ruder" <GroundZero@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: ussbanshee@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Fri, 4 Oct 2002 17:55:19 -0700
?Holodeck Hijinx?
by Ensign Michael
Burrows
& Lieutenant Joshua Asper Leaning
against the perpetually cold surface of the wall, Josh checked his
chronometer. His eyes darted down each hallway. Nameless red shirts
walked past, their eyes focusing more on the PADDs that were clenched
tightly in their hands rather than glued on the corridor ahead -
where they should be. People in blue shirts, mainly medical and
science staff, seemed to be in a hurry to get from whatever point was
point A to whatever their destination may be.
The people
that were clad in yellow - Engineers - mostly carried along work
kits. In light of recent events, the Banshee had put more effort on
defensive systems than offensive. Faulty relays, blown out consoles,
and things of that nature became a priority. Unfortunately for Josh,
this is what probably kept Burrows - whom he had an appointment to
show his new holodeck program - from being prompt as he usually
was.
Burrows walked briskly down the corridor still relishing
the scent of Nurse Betty on him. Dressed in a white tux in the style
of an old earth actor, Humphrey Bogart, from the film ?Casablanca?,
Burrows drew the odd look from more than a few crewmembers. Burrows
was already known for his eccentric behavior, but people were usually
wondering what he was up to considering that, at times, the result
was an embarrassing practical joke. Even the Captain was not immune
to his unique brand of humor.
Damn! Thought Burrows,
I'm going to be late due to that insatiable Nurse. Burrows adjusted
the red rose in his lapel and hoped that Josh wouldn't notice that he
was late for reasons unrelated to his post.
Like a beacon
shining atop an ancient lighthouse, Josh could barely keep his eyes
on the approaching Burrows. Right as he rounded the corner his white
as bleach tuxedo stunned his eyes. Josh perked his eyebrow as he
realized that something was odd, just not right. As Burrows stopped
just feet from him, Josh looked him up and down.
Inhaling
deeply, Josh realized that Burrows seemed to be wearing perfume. "Is
it just me or re you wearing perfume?" Josh leaned over again and
took a whiff of the pleasant aroma that emanated from the
Ensign.
?What?!? Blurted Burrows at the Lieutenant's smelling
of his tux. ?I thought I'd wear something to honor the occasion -
does it smell?? Burrows tugged at the tux and smiled at Josh anxious
to divert his attention from the scent on his clothing?and person.
?Shall we go in Lieutenant? I'm dying to try my hand at the
tables!"
Josh clasped his hands behind his back as he thought
for a moment. "Computer, access program file Asper Echo 3."
The computer beeped and chirped as the screen to the left of
the holodeck doors began to show endless numbers and names - all of
which represented a separate program file or folder. "Asper Echo 3
has been located."
"Computer, open that folder and open
sub-folder Gambling Theta 1." Josh had sorted his program files to
correspond to their purpose or their overall intent. He scratched
his nose as the computer began to repeat the action.
"Gambling
Theta 1 has been located."
"Open folder and run program
Ferengi Alpha 9."
"Acknowledged, program Ferengi Alpha 9 is
running in holodeck one. Enjoy and watch out for those swindlers!"
Josh had made the program say that so that people would get a feel
for the program before actually starting it.
Josh motioned for
Burrows to take the lead into the program, "Lead the way, Mr.
Burrows."
Burrows looked in awe. "Very impressive, Mr. Asper."
Burrows looked appreciatively at the incredibly detailed decor. "Just
like a Ferengi casino I played at on Vargas 3. You have been busy!"
Burrows took in the crowd and the noise. A couple of Klingons were
arguing with a Ferengi over the price of the drinks and the Ferengi
looked suitably scared. "I really dislike Ferengi - little weasels,
but you have outdone yourself!" Burrows winked at the very shapely
waitress passing by with a drink tray.
"What shall we play
first? By the way that is a very nice tux. Although Mr. Asper,
history logs show, at least according to my knowledge that
cummerbunds are to be worn the other way around." Burrows twisted
the offending article around on Josh's waist. "That's better. Now
where shall we start?" Burrows looked like a child in a candy
store.
Looking down at his realigned cummerbund, Josh smiled.
"Well then, Mr. Burrows, you should feel right free to adjust yours."
Josh changed his back and then moved Burrows around the other way.
"Now we're good." Stepping into the light that was illuminated by
the huge glass chandeliers, Josh marveled himself at his own
creation. The last time that he had walked among his own 'thoughts
on paper' was a couple of weeks ago. That was all before he had been
diagnosed with the same disease that aided in death almost getting
firm grip on Sara.
"It's all up to you, Mr. Burrows. Craps,
Roulette, Poker, Blackjack, and a few of the newer games are around
her somewhere. And, please, call me Josh. We aren't on duty,
therefore I don't have rank."
Burrows smiled. "Thanks. I
disdain formality. It's one thing about the Maquis I miss - the lack
of uniformity and protocol. Still, I do require discipline in my
life. Ask the Captain." Burrows made a beeline for the blackjack
tables. "This is more my style - better odds." Burrows noticed that
two evil looking Naussicans were already seated opposite the leering
Ferengi dealer. Burrows stopped and patted his jacket. "Wait, I need
some chips."
Burrows headed over to the cashier. "Hey Josh -
how does this work? I mean, how do I get chips - I don't have any
latinum on me."
Putting his hands in his pockets he weeded
around the mass amounts of garbage that littered the inside. He
pulled out a device and pressed it against his hand and a bar of
latinum appeared. He tossed it toward Burrows. "Here you go, I've
got my chips in here somewhere!" Josh laughed as he pulled stacks of
his own chips from his seemingly bottomless pockets. "Here they
are!"
Burrows replicated an impressive quantity of chips and
headed over to the Naussicans already seated at the blackjack table.
"Good evening gentlemen," said Burrows. The Naussicans grunted and
looked Burrows up and down.
"Are you some kind of clown
human?" Burrows bit back a retort and eyed the Ferengi. "Hey there
you two-legged listening post, how about dealing the
cards."
Burrows turned back to Josh and called over, "You
really know how to make this realistic." Burrows eyed his cards and
said, ?Hit me? to the dealer. The Ferengi leered, "Feeling lucky
human?"
"I'm lucky in cards and love,? said Burrows drawing
looks of derision from the Naussicans. "How does a guy get a drink
around here? Can I buy you two totem-poles a
drink?"
Approaching the table cautiously, Josh allowed Burrows
to finish his bet. "I got these two from a casino barge orbiting
Taloon 8. They had won triple their weight in latinum before I was
thrown out of the joint." Josh took two drinks from a passing tray
as the Naussicans looked on at the two humans in disgust. Handing
one to Burrows, Josh smiled, "That is how you get a drink around her,
Mr. Burrows."
"Thanks." said Burrows as he took the drink and
sipped appreciatively. He turned to the Ferengi. "Hit me again,
Chuckles." The Ferengi smiled sarcastically with his overly crooked
teeth and passed another card. Burrows turned the corner of the card.
"I'll hold here, thank-you." The Naussicans motioned aggressively
for more cards. They turned them and growled. Burrows held two
Queens and the dealer a hand of nineteen.
The Naussicans were
both over. "Hey, I win!" Exclaimed Burrows and reached over for his
winnings. The Naussicans both rose as one. "Are you cheating
clown-human?"
"Well, first I'm going to beat you for looking
at my hand." Josh laughed a bit as he examined his bottom card.
"Damn. Hit me."
The Ferengi smiled his grin, exposing again
his discolored teeth and all their jagged edges. "Are you sure,
Hew-mon?"
"No, I'm going to put my cards back, dance a jig,
and then beat the hell out of that ugly Bolian over there! Of
course, I'm sure. Deal me the cards." The Ferengi smiled as he
dished out a king of spades. "Damn it all. Twenty-three." Josh
flipped over his bottom card, revealing a queen of hearts. His three
of diamonds that lay on top put him initially at thirteen. Josh
pushed his chips that he had lost forward, tossing the cards as well
towards the dealer. "I hope you fare better than I did."
"I
wasn't looking at your card," Burrows protested. "I'm a Starfleet
officer," he grinned. Burrows sipped his Tanquery Gin and was almost
pushed out of his chair by a passing Andorian who was grossly
overweight. "Hey lookout there!" Burrows shouted spraying gin over
the table and the Ferengi. The fat Andorian shrugged and moved off
with a very shapely girl in tow.
"Congratulations on a very
realistic program - where'd you get that guy?"
The Ferengi
brushed his tunic disgustedly. "You are a messy
hew-mon."
"Sorry" said Burrows. "Hit me, please."
The
Ferengi passed a card. Burrows examined it. "Damn. Twenty-five. I
guess the house wins." The Ferengi smiled that dentally challenged
avaricious smile that only Ferengi can. "What now?" Asked Burrows.
"I can't bear to part with my chips with this guy. What are the
holosuites like?" Burrows smiled.
"You want to go and look at
them, they're pretty cool." Josh pushed his chips off the table into
his palm and set them rather harshly into his pocket. "They are
upstairs." The Ferengi at the table smiled that oh-so-wonderful
smile and just looked on at the departing losers. Josh spun around
and couldn't resist. "Hey, isn't that your mother over there
Kark?"
The Ferengi turned in astonishment, almost as fast as a
hungry targ heading for newly killed meat.
Josh laughed
hysterically. "Oh, I'm sorry. I seemed to have confused your mother
for that fat Andorian man, yeah, he just bent over to get his chips!"
Josh strutted away towards the lift that would take them to the next
level of the establishment.
Burrows laughed. "There is
nothing quite so sweet than insulting a Ferengi while you take his
money." Burrows followed Josh to the lift. "So what's upstairs? I
don't know if I have the energy for a holosuite thanks to Nurse
Betty." Burrows flushed realizing that he had inadvertently admitted
to Josh why he was late." Actually, she was helping me repair the
faulty relays. She is good with her hands. Oh God," said Burrows.
"I seem to be digging an even deeper hole now, don't
I?"
"Relax, Burrows." Josh started the lift as Burrows
stepped on the pad. "I know that we all have needs. Hell, I do. I
don't care if you act on them. 'Faulty relays' in the shoulders
often need 'good hands'." The lift stopped and Josh put his arm on
the shoulder of Burrows. "You've got to realize that it isn't a
crime to give into desire. That is, unless, you're on duty. Other
than that, you're in the clear."
"I've been spending too much
time with her. She is wearing me out. I appreciate your
understanding. " Burrows hesitated, "I know this sounds weird, but
the biggest thrill for me is piloting this ship. It's even more
thrilling than Nurse Betty!" Burrows laughed. "Now this is original
Josh. A holosuite on the holodeck in a holo-program. Maybe I'll just
take a look??"
Burrows opened the suite and his eyes bulged as
he viewed the very voluptuous woman inside. "Where is she from? I'd
like to move to that planet!" Burrows didn't enter but closed the
door chuckling. "Computers can be very convincing. I want to check
another. " Burrows opened another holosuite and heard the
distinctive crack of a whip. He laughed out loud and closed the door
quickly. He turned to Josh. "I thought that I had a zany sense of
humor. You should bring the Captain and the XO here for a laugh. I
once played with Ensign Chaos's holo program and had his Racquetball
partner morph into his mother dressed in an old
housecoat."
Josh laughed. "The first woman is Janiol Lokken.
She was one of the programs that I used on Pragan Prime. I was in
there for seven hours. Dear God, I thought that I might have to give
up the USS Iliad to pay for it." Josh stepped along to the next
door. "The second one was Aliana. Just Aliana. I was in that one
for about three and a half hours. Good Lord, she was - well, she was
good."
Opening the next door Josh motioned Burrows inside.
There was a silk bed with all the fluffy additions. "We don't have
all the programs, we save some rooms that are just rooms for those
people who wish to come alone." Candles lit the bed area and a
bottle of chilled wine say unopened on the table next to it. "It's
designed to be the perfect romantic getaway. Do you want to know how
many casinos I got thrown out of to get all this?"
"A lot, I'd
say. This is a great program." Burrows exited the room. ?How about
a round of roulette before I get back to helping Mr. Munro motivate
his engineers with operations repairs? The man is overworked. Munro,
I mean." Burrows looked over the balcony at the fat Andorian below.
"Suppose I dumps some ice water on him from up here?" Burrows
motioned for one of the hostesses. "A very large glass of cold water
please. One good turn deserves another."
The waitress
returned with his large glass of water. Josh smiled as Burrows
carefully calculated the distance and the trajectory of the wet
missile. Burrows poured the water carefully - soon after, in light
of the action a scream was heard below. Josh let out a loud laugh as
the Andorian waddled around holding his antennae for some apparent
reason. "That was great," Josh said. "Let's get the roulette table,
I'm feeling lucky."
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