[triadtechtalk] TGIF
- From: tomas santos <babaluscan@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: triadtechtalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2003 13:50:56 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the
sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training
at the local health club. Although I am still in
great shape (from playing on my high school softball
team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who
described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to
get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is
something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce
gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my
pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time he was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life
for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club members. His
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why
the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He
said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce
took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the woman's room. He sent
Lars to find me, then as punishment put me on
the *&(&^^$%* Stair Monster!
Friday:
I hate that basta*d Bruce more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps, and if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the &*@*#$ &*@*#$ barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you
learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung
me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the stupid Weather
Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray, that next year, my husband
(the B****RD) will choose a gift for me that is fun,
like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! SiteBuilder - Free, easy-to-use web site design software
http://sitebuilder.yahoo.com
VIEW ARCHIVES @ //www.freelists.org
UNSUBSCRIBE by sending email to triadtechtalk-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx with
unsubscribe in the Subject field.
To VIEW/CHANGE your subscription status go to
//www.freelists.org/webpage/triadtechtalk
Contact List Owner - dbcfour@xxxxxxx
Other related posts:
