[tcb] Re: Perring News from warm tropical Southern Illinois
- From: "amy don" <adp1669@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <tcb@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 18:38:06 -0600
That was the funniest thing I have ever read! Awsome story!
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob in Southern Illinois" <perring@xxxxxxx>
To: <perring@xxxxxxx>
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 9:28 AM
Subject: [tcb] Perring News from warm tropical Southern Illinois
> December 8:
> 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and
> I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft
> flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
> So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
> I love snow!
>
> December 9:
> We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of
> the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
> the Whole
> World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
> Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both
our
> driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and
> covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
> again. What a perfect
> life.
>
> December 12:
> The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor
> tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
> Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
> winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
> possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
>
> December 14:
> Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
> makes everything sparkle so.
> The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway
and
> sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
> buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
> much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
> wouldn't huff and puff so.
>
> December 15:
> 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
> for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
> wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly.
> We aren't in Alaska, after all.
>
> December 16:
> Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting
> down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
> very cruel.
>
> December 17:
> Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was
> off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to
> do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
> bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
> right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
>
> December 20:
> Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
> More shoveling. Took all day.
> Damned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
> they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
> the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and
> they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
> Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
> I think he's lying.
>
> December 22:
> Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white
> shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took
> me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to
> piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too
> tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the
> rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.
> I think the a-hole is lying.
>
> December 23:
> Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to
> decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why
> didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did.
> I think she's lying.
>
> December 24:
> 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
> having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that
> snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to
death
> with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
> to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an
> hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife
> wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I
> was too busy watching for that damned snowplow.
>
> December 25:
> Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
> tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
> the snow!
> Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
> the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's
> a fricking idiot.
> If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to
> stuff her into the microwave.
>
> December 26:
> Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
> It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
>
>
> December 27:
> Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze.
> Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400
> to replace all my pipes.
>
> December 28:
> Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!!!
>
> December 29:
> 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
> That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
> How dumb does he think I am?
>
> December 30:
> Roof caved in.
> I beat up the snow plow driver.
> He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave
> him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
> The wife went off to stay with friends.
> 9" more snow predicted.
>
> December 31:
> I set fire to what's left of the house.
> No more shoveling.
>
> January 8:
> Feel so good.
> I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
> Why am I tied to the bed?
>
>
>
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