(Uppföljning till tidigare postade julövningar. På engelska då det även går på
utländska listor. --AE)
Just before Christmas I posted 25 Exercises in Christmas Styles, some reading
for Christmas Day (Dec 25), as my greetings to friends, acquaintances and other
suspects. But here I bring it up to New Year's Eve (Dec 31) with the six
additional exercises below. I add the original 25 last. Now, there is no
excuse for you to have anything but a good 2016, make and break New Year's
resolutions, read some good science fiction, support space exploration, invent
of cold fusion, solve the riddle of eternal life, and...sorry, I was carried
away a bit. Comments are welcome.
--Ahrvid Engholm
Ps. I hope my formatting is readable. Since Microsoft took over Hotmail, they
seem to treat linebreaks (CR/LF codes) oddly. As I post it looks OK, but when I
see the posting it often looks awful. (Perhaps only on my side, it may look OK
to you.) "Microsofting" should be a verb meaning "messing computer stuff up"...
MORE EXERCISES IN STYLES
(variations on the "basic" story No 1, below)
26. AS PERFORMED BY THE BEATLES
It'll be a hard day's night. and I'll be working with my sleighIt'll be a hard
day's night, must bring the presents with no delayBut then he came home to me,
and said with a glee"Must check your gear's alright!"
My reindeers went through his check, and everything was fineBut he said "What
the heck, you see I'm inclinedto test it on a real flight, to make sure all is
right."It sounded bad, ho-ho!
Away we went, but he brought with him his gunAnd he said, seeing an engine fail
will be fun!
It'll be a hard day's night. should be working with my sleighIt'll be a hard
day's night, must bring the presents with no delayBut the inspector means
trouble, with shotgun, barrels doubleMy reindeers aren't OK
27. AS TWITTER MESSAGES
@SantaClausGot unexpected visitor, from the @FAA. Wants to check my sleigh and
reindeers. Unwanted #Christmas present, indeed. Today is too busy for me!
@SantaClausWell, my sleigh and #reindeers seems to be "airworthy". But the
Inspector wants a test flight to be sure. Hadn't heard that before. Ho-ho-ho.
@SantaClausReady to take off now! Hope it'll be quick cause I really haven't
the time to play around. But, man, what on Earth did you bring a gun for?
@SantaClausI'm not sure what he means, He mumbled something about a realistic
and making one of my engines fail. This doesn't feel good...
28. AS A REFUGEE AT THE BORDER
"And you say your name is Claus, Santa."
¨"Ho-ho. That's right."
"You seek refugee status. Why?"
"I'm persecuted by the government!"
"In what way?"
"They shoot my animals, my reindeers!"
"You say you are from northern Poland. I can believe in persecution during the
communist time, but now..."
"No, not northern Poland. I'm from the North Pole. Ho-ho-ho..."
"The North...what!"
"Pole."
"As I said, you're a Pole."
"No I'm Santa Claus."
"I don't believe you."
"You wouldn't believe how many believe in me. especially kids..."
29. AS THE WET DREAM OF GREENPEACE
As the polar ice has all melted, Santa Claus is now forced to live under water,
under a big glass dome. The evil deniers of Auschwitz, tobacco and climate have
ruined Earth! Just as we told you, again and again and again and again, as we
climbed up the chimneys and unfolded our banners made from natural textile
fibres. Since the guy that climbs down chimneys, Santa, now lives in an
underwater glass dome, his elves moved to watertight caverns under the dome,
busy in their workshops producing all the toys the children of the
unsustainable consumer society demands - something we in the future will put a
stop to! But there is one advantage with Santa making all the toys. That way
the market of third world countries collapses and they can't get export incomes
and development through exploitation of a cheap workforce paid below the levels
trade union in the West wants. It is also good that Santa has LOCAL production
and an ECOLOGICAL transport system based on NATURAL components, instead of
those CO2-spewing jet planes that fosters globalisation, freedom to move,
cultural exchanges, trade and the economic growth those wicked deniers of
tobacco, climate and Auschwitz strive for. But of course, his flying device
must be airworthy, so we had no objections that the FAA sent an inspector to
examine it. It's sad that Santa and his reindeers now have to start from big
barges floating around the polar-bear free waters of the Pole. There are as you
understand no more cute little polar bears. The depraved climate, Auschwitz and
tobacco deniers have seen to that, with the millions they have been getting
from Big Oil, instead of our billions from big government What we do object to
is that the FAA inspector, in an effort to make a test flight more realistic,
shot one of Santa's reindeers during takeoff, to simulate an engine failure. We
are against cruelty to animals! Animals are people too and we demand that
everyone becomes a vegetarian! And if you really have to shoot animals, please
use lead-free bullets! Lead isn't good for the environment. Thinking of it,
NOTHING is good for the environment!
30. A STORY GENERATED BY http://www.plot-generator.org.uk/story/
Santa Claus had always hated cold North Pole with its slippery, spluttering
snow. It was a place where he felt relaxed. He was a generous, thoughtful,
eggnog drinker with big hands and white-bearded face. His friends saw him as a
few, flipping factory. Once, he had even made a cup of tea for a strong
reindeer. That's the sort of man he was. Santa Claus walked over to the window
and reflected on his dark surroundings. The snow flurried like walking
reindeer. Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the
figure of Inspector . Inspector was a controlling machine with fat hands and
heavy face. Santa Claus gulped. He was not prepared for Inspector. As Santa
Claus stepped outside and Inspector came closer, he could see the adventurous
glint in his eye. "I am here because I want airworthiness," Inspector
bellowed, in a friendly tone. He slammed his fist against Santa Claus's chest,
with the force of 7772 reindeer fawn. "I frigging hate you, Santa Claus ."
Santa Claus looked back, even more happy and still fingering the solid sleigh.
"Inspector, ho-ho-ho," he replied. They looked at each other with jovial
feelings, like two poised, pongy polar bear flying at a very violent Christmas
Day, which had Christmas carols music playing in the background and two wild
uncles starting to the beat. Suddenly, Inspector lunged forward and tried to
punch Santa Claus in the face. Quickly, Santa Claus grabbed the solid sleigh
and brought it down on Inspector's skull. Inspector's fat hands trembled and
his heavy face wobbled. He looked warm, his body raw like a curried, crispy
Christmas present. Then he let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the
ground. Moments later Inspector was dead. Santa Claus went back inside and
made himself a nice drink of eggnog.
31. FROM THE CNN SCHEDULE
6pm CNN Newsroom - Today's top news, including the stories "Strange Sightings
above the North Pole" "Air Safety - Are FAA Inspectors Up to the Job?",
"Handguns - How to Stop Shooting Sprees", "Reindeers - Their Life and Death".
7 pm World Sport - with exclusive coverage from the XXIIth Arctic Reindeer
Races.
8 pm Special report - "New Sensational Theory - Santa Claus Does Exist!".
9 pm World Business Today - and a special report: "Just In Time Delivery of
Electronics, Toys and Other Consumer Products the Key to Business Success".
10 pm Science and Technology - In depth report: "Is Anti-Gravity Possible in
the Animal Kingdom?".
11 pm Debate: Against the Wall - entrepreneur Kris Kringle accuses the Federal
Aviation Administration of cruelty to animals.
-----
The original 25 Exercises in Christmas Styles:
1. THE BASIC STORY
As air safety is a concern for the most popular aviator of the season, FAA has
sent an inspector to the North Pole to check Santa Claus's sleigh before
allowing him to fly on Christmas Eve. There have after all been many air
crashes lately. The inspector checked the reindeers and they looked to be in
good shape. The harnesses looked fine. He checked the sleigh and it seemed
perfectly air-worthy. "Only one thing remains, Mr Claus", he said to the
corpulent white-bearded man beside him. "We must have a test flight. If that
goes well, you'll have your air-worthiness certificate." Santa's elves
connected the reindeers. Santa and the inspector boarded the sleigh and taxied
up the icy runway. But just as he's ready to take off Santa glances at the
inspector and to his amazement notices he has a put a big, loaded rifle in his
lap. "Hey! You don't have to be afraid of polar bears here!" Santa yells as
the reindeers pick up speed. "It's not that, Mr Claus", the inspector says.
"The test must be realistic. I think it would be a good idea to see what
happens if we have an engine failure on takeoff."
2. TOLD AS A LIMERICK
North Pole's Santa must go through a safety testThe Inspector thinks things are
at their very best But we can't take it light We need a test flightWhat if we
would with your engines mess?
3. IN SWEDISH
Då flygsäkerhet är av vikt för helgens popläraste flygare, har luftfartsverket
sänt en inspektör till nordpolen för att kontrollera Jultomtens släde innan han
får lov att flyga på julafton. När allt kommer omkring har det varit många
flygolyckor på sistone. Inspektören kollade renarna och de verkade var i god
form. Selarna såg bra ut. Han kontrollerade släden och den verkade fullständigt
flygvärdig. "Det återstår bara en sak, hr Tomte," sade han till den korpulente
vitskäggade mannen bredvid sig. "Vi måste göra en testflygning. Om den går bra
får du ditt luftvärdighetscertifikat." Tomtenissarna kopplade på renarna.
Jultomten och inspektören bordade släden och taxade uppför den isiga
startbanan. Just som han var redo att starta sneglade Jultomten på inspektören
och noterade att han hade ett stort, laddat gevär i famnen. "Hallå! Du behöver
inte vara rädd för isbjörnar här", skriker Jultomten medan renarna ökar farten.
"Det handlar inte om det, hr Tomte", säger inspektören. "Testen måste vara
realistisk. Jag tycker det skulle vara en bra idé att se vad som händer om vi
tappar en motor under start."
4. THE SWEDISH TEXT ABOVE THROUGH GOOGLE TRANSLATE
As safety is of importance for the weekend's most popular aviator, aviation has
work late one inspector to the North Pole to check Santa's sleigh before he was
allowed to fly on Christmas Eve. After all, there have been numerous aviation
accidents lately. The inspector checked the reindeer and they seemed in good
shape. The harnesses looked good. He checked the sled and it seemed completely
airworthy. "It remains only one thing, Mr. Gnome," he said til the corpulent
vitskäggade man next to her. "We have to do a test flight. If it goes well, you
get your airworthiness certificate." Santa's elves linked to reindeer. Santa
Claus and the inspector boarded the carriage and taxied up the icy runway. Just
as he was ready to start glanced Santa Claus on the inspector noted that he had
a large, loaded rifle arms. "Hey! You do not need to be afraid of polar bears
here," shouts Claus reindeer while speeding up. "It's not about that, Mr. Santa
Claus," said the inspector. "The tests have to be realistic. I think it would
be a good idea to see what happens if we lose an engine during starting."
5. AS FIRST PERSON NARRATIVE
I know that air safety is important, but did the FAA inspector really have to
come today, when I'm so busy? Well, this far he seems satisfied, with my
sleigh, the reindeers, with everything. But the inspector caught me with
surprise when he added: "Only one thing remains, Mr Claus. We must have a
test flight. If that goes well, you'll have your air-worthiness certificate."
I sighed. This is new compared to last Christmas. New regulations I guess.
Nothing else to do than to get the elves to hook up the reindeers. I showed
the inspector where he could sit and began taxiing along the icy runway when I
noticed one thing. The inspector brought out a big gun which he put in his lap.
What was that good for? The polar bears around here are my buddies and quite
harmless. "Hey! You don't have to be afraid of polar bears here!" I exclaimed,
as our vehicle was picking up speed. I pointed to the gun. "It's not that, Mr
Claus", the inspector said. "The test must be realistic. I think it would be a
good idea to see what happens if we have an engine failure on takeoff."
6. AS A HARD-BOILED PRIVATE EYE
There was something fishy going on. From where did Mr Claus get all his dough?
I had to go undercover as an "inspector" for the Federal Aviation
Administration. Silly, I know! But if I had much of an imagination I wouldn't
be a private dick. The last man on the North Pole sat alone in a room. I
knocked on the door. Hard. I had knuckles that could take it. "Ho-ho-ho. Come
in!" a jovial voice exclaimed. I trampled in. Mr Claus would be easy to
shadow, if needed, as he was all dressed up in red, like the traffic lights I
used to ignore when chasing who'd stole candy from a kid or done something even
worse. He offered me some eggnog, which I greedily downed in one gulp. I then
explained my business, from my cover story: gotta inspect your sleigh and
everything - purely routine, and all that. If you flash a brass toy shield you
picked up in Macy's some people will believe anything. "You can't dash around
in the sky without an air worthiness certificate," I snapped. "It makes people
nervous." Reluctantly he agreed. What was it with all those "ho-hos"? Did he
have some unusual throat condition or what? I helped myself to some more
eggnog. Great stuff, that! Smooth for the throat. While Mr Claus called for
his hired underlings to make everything ready, I had a god look around in the
facilities. No secret printing press for greenbacks, just a lot of toys. And a
giant stack of mail. Maybe he ran an extortion racket by correspondence? "This
far everything looks dandy," I said. "But we have to do a test run, just to be
sure. Just routine. Regulations, you know." The vehicle didn't look promising.
I'd rather have my turbo-charged old Chevy, but since I claimed to be her to
inspect that jalopy contraption I had to risk it. I've been in much worse jams,
like when I investigated those crooked election officials in Lafair county
and... Mr Claus sighed. He showed me a seat. No safety belt, I noted. But my
motto was after all live fast and die young. Besides, I have had my air
sickness medicine. Eggnog is bravery in a bottle. "OK. A test flight - ho-ho!"
Mr Claus said and put the sleigh in motion along the icy runway. "But just a
short one. We must think of the children..." Children! That's it. Poor kids.
My eggnog-drenched brain reacted. Mr Claus got his cash from running a
paedophile ring! This would be my last sleigh ride if he suspected I was on to
him... I pulled my gun.
7. AS WRITTEN BY ISAAC ASIMOV
The Three Laws of Reindeerics1. A reindeer must always do it's best to deliver
the Christmas presents undamaged, and mustn't through inaction allow a present
to be harmed.2. A Reindeer must always obey the "ho-ho's" of his master, Santa
Claus, unless it's in conflict with law No 1.3. A Reindeer must protect its own
existence, like being shot, unless it's in conflict with Laws 1 or 2.
8. AS A SCIENCE FICTION STORY
No one could explain why the mutated reindeers could fly. Professor Claus was
hard at work analysing the DNA of the creatures in his North Pole laboratory
when Mrs Claus popped in. "Aren't you forgetting something, dearest?" "Do you
mean...you mean it is THAT DAY?" "I'm afraid it is," she said and pointed to
the calendar on the wall: December 2115 it said. "You staff has been hard at
work preparing everything, and you know you promised to do this when you were
awarded the research contract...." The professor sighed. There's no way one
single person can deliver presents to billions of kids world wide - under
normal circumstances. Luckily, professor Claus had invented a hyper-fluxator
which bent space and time so... "One more thing," Mrs Claus said. "We have a
visitor. An inspector from FAA. He has been checking your sleigh and reindeers.
He doesn't believe in flying reindeers or your research, so now he insists on a
demonstration. I have told the elves assistants to make the sleigh ready. The
inspector is right now out there on the yard waiting for you." Professor Claus
turned off his dynamospectroscope and went out. "I'm a busy man, inspector. So
let's get on with it. You can sit over there." The sleigh began moving along
the icy runway when the professor noted something odd: the FAA inspector had a
big gun in his lap. "Mister, you don't need to worry about the polar bears.
Since I fed the area with protomuxo waves they've become as harmless as little
lambs." "It's not that," the inspector said. "We take air safety very
seriously. So we have to make a scientific test of what happens in case of an
engine failure during take off."
9. AS A FANNISH STORY
Christmas Is A Way Of Life, indeed. Kris Kringle loved getting those LoWs -
Letters of Wishes - from all those neofans. Walt wanted a new Shield of Umor
and Bob the new book by professor Von Donegan. Forrest wished for his favourite
film "Metropolis" on DVD. Bob wanted a stapler, so he would have to use chewing
gum on his fanzines. Donald just wanted a ticket to Nycon. He had just poured
himself some Christmas blog, when the latest mailing arrived from FAAPA, the
Federal Avaiation Administration Publication Announcement: Kris would have a
visit from their inspector. The day the inspector arrived, Kris had just
finished typing the last stencil for his X IS FOR XMAS No 42. There had been so
many typos in it and the red corflu had splashed all over his clothes. Not that
it mattered since Kris was dressed in his red favourite suit anyway. "Now,
what can I do for you", he said to the visitor. "You want a bheer can tower to
the moon, perhaps?" "That won't be necessary. All I need is just a little test
run in your sleigh. Air safety isn't just a ghoddamn hobby, you know." "Fine.
But just a short trip. I have a fanzine to print before the ink in my
mimeograph goes stale." Kris told his gophers to prepare everything and soon
they stood on the icy runway, white as sheets of unprinted foolscap paper. As
the vehicle began to move, Kris noted an object in the hands of the inspector.
"You don't need your zapgun," Kris said. "I have no feud with the local polar
bears." "Well, to make the test realistic, I though we'd see what happens if
one of your engines fail during take off." "So, you plan to shot one of my
reindeers with...a water pistol?"
10. FOUND ON THE BACKSIDE OF JRR TOLKIEN'S GROCERY LIST
Three Reindeers for the elves at the North Pole Seven for the poor parents in
the shopping mall Nine for the children who always want more One for the
Consumer Advocate to trouble forestall In the land of Christmas which your
serenity stole One reindeer to visit them all, one reindeer to find them, One
reindeer to bring them all, presents that will bind them, In the land of
Christmas which your serenity stole
11. AS A LIMITED WARRANTY FROM MICROSOFT
When you have removed the shrinkwrap, or even if you are just thinking about
doing it, your are bound by these terms:Microsoft Reindeer (TM) is provided as
is. However, every effort has been made to ensure that your new Microsoft
Reindeer (TM) is airworthy, but we will not take any responsibility for
anything, anywhere, anytime.But in case of malfunction, contact our Service
Department, which will make every effort to persuade you to Upgrade for an
Extra Fee. Please allow up to two hours before being attended to.This Warranty
doesn't cover if your Microsoft Reindeer (TM):Causes an accident with any of
the elves.Eats all of Mrs Claus's Christmas porridge.Becomes unusable due to
eggnog intoxication.Is being shot while performing a flight test.
12. AS AN EROTIC STORY
It was a hot night on the cold North Pole. Mr Claus was busy satisfying Mrs
Claus, when a visitor peeked through the windows. Mr Claus invited the Peeping
Tom, and of course, it all ended with a very wet and wild love triangle. When
they were finished, Mr Claus asked the visitor: "Who are you, by the way?
Ho-ho-ho..." "Oh, I'm not a whore. I forgot to present myself. I'm from the
FAA."
Mr Klaus interrupted the reindeers in the stable as they were busy making new
little reindeers: "Sorry guys. Got to make a little test flight for our friend
the FAA inspector. Line up in the yard." The inspector came out from one of
the Claus Enterprises plants. "Are we ready, Mr Claus? I'm impressed with your
factory. Especially where you make those very thin lingerie for naughty
girls..." They entered the sleigh. The inspector thought it looked like a big,
red dildo. As the reindeers were gaining speed on the icy runway, Mr Claus
noted that the inspector had a very big gun, in his lap. "No need for that
kind of lapdance, Mr inspector. The polar bears aren't so hot around here."
"Oh, it's not that. I thought this test ought to be more realistic. So during
start, I'll make one of the engines fail. You know, after all that happiness is
a warm gun!"
13. IN FINNISH, BASIC STORY IN ENGLISH THROUGH GOOGLE TRANSLATE
Koska lentoturvallisuus on huolenaihe suosituin lentäjä kauden, FAA on
lähettänyt tarkastaja pohjoisnavalle tarkistaa Joulupukin reki ennen kuin antaa
hänelle lentää jouluaattona. On loppujen lopuksi ollut monia
lento-onnettomuuksia viime aikoina. Tarkastaja tarkastaa porot ja ne näytti
olevan hyvässä kunnossa. Valjaat näytti hyvin. Hän tarkastaa reki ja se tuntui
täysin ilma-arvoinen. "Vain yksi asia pysyy, Claus", hän sanoi corpulent
valkopartainen mies vierellään. "Meillä on oltava koelento. Jos se menee hyvin,
sinulla on oma ilma-kelvollisuuden todistus." Joulupukin tontut valjasti
porojen ylös. Joulupukki ja tarkastaja nousseet reki ja rullasi ylös jäistä
kiitotien. Mutta juuri kun hän on valmis ottamaan pois Santa vilkaisee
tarkastaja ja hänen hämmästyneenä ilmoitusten hän on laittaa iso, ladattu
kivääri sylissään. "Hei! Sinun ei tarvitse pelätä jääkarhuja täällä!" Santa
huutaa kun porot vauhdin. "Se ei ole niin, Claus", tarkastaja sanoo. "Testi on
oltava realistisia. Mielestäni olisi hyvä nähdä, mitä tapahtuu, jos meillä
moottorihäiriö nousussa."
14. AS A SIMPLE ALGORITHM
VISIT Santa_Claus
INSPECT sleigh
IF OK=0 do
ISSUE flight_ban
IF OK=1
INSPECT reindeers
IF OK=0
ISSUE flight_ban
IF OK=1
ADD (sleigh, reindeers) vehicle
ADD (Santa_Claus, inspector) vehicle
DO SUBROUTINE vehicle_start
UNTIL off_ground
DO SUBROUTINE shoot_reindeer
UNTIL one_dead
15. AS AN HP LOVECRAFT STORY
The Ancient Red One, dressed in red as blood, didn't live alone in this barren,
cold, godforsaken, antediluvian, icy, dark, white, snow-covered,
adjective-swollen place. He was surrounded by incomprehensible, strange,
aberrant, bizarre, uncanny creatures. These beings, called R'Eindheerhs, were
said to be from the darker times most have now forgotten, times long back
before evil machines like steam engines and telegraphs had poisoned the mind of
man. One day a mysterious man arrived. The Ancient Red One had to bow to his
mad demands of inspecting the premises and the R'Eindheerhs and even to the
egregious idea of flying with them. The dungeons echoed with silence when he
cantankerously asked if this was necessary. The Ancient Red One and the
mysterious stranger entered the vehicle the wild, untamed, rambunctious,
dangerous, horned R'Eindheerhs were to pull. The eerie screams from the
creatures echoed through the dark and story night: Eeeicheeechaa-eech-eech...
Suddently the stranger pulled out a heavy, rusty, partly wooden, lead-spitting,
decorated with gold shining like Her Majesty's sovereigns, indescribable
flintlock gun. A true totem from the older, happier world when negroes knew
their place. The Ancient Red One was forced to inquire what this device was
good for, whilst the demons known as P'lar Be'ars had been forced to retreat
and represented no earthly threat. The mysterious stranger gave off an
maddening cry and stated that the leaded ball in the aged firestick would be
used to reduce the population of R'Eindheercs by one.
16. AS A HOLLYWOOD ACTION SCREENPLAY
Scene 1:
(The place is the North Pole and a huge factory complex named "Saint Nick's
Enterprises". In a big office sits the boss himself in a leather armchair,
going through a huge paper scroll. It's the day before Christmas. Sounds of
frantic activity is heard everywhere. Then there's a knock on the door.)Saint
Nick: Come in if you must! I'm rather busy. I have a long list of small boys
and girls to go through.(A man in a black suit enters. A little bulge by his
armpit hints he is armed.)Agent: I'm sorry to interrupt. I know you are busy.
I'm an agent for the FAA and I'm afraid there's one thing we need to check.
What the...(A huge explosion is heard. Windows are blown out. The agent hits
the floor, draws his gun, crawls towards Saint Nick and pulls him down.)Agent:
I'm afraid we hasve the honour of a visit by WOLF, World Organisation of Looney
Figures. We gotta act fast, Nick...
Scene 2:
(Nick and the agent are running over a huge field of snow. Helicopters hover
above them from which rockets are fired, that barely miss them.)Agent: We gotta
get the hell out of here. Do you have a ride?Saint Nick: Well, I have the
sleigh and my trusted reindeers of course. It's the stable over there...(The
agent fires of a few shots and the pair runs towards the stable. Nick's
co-workers, known as elves, have understood what's going on and met up in the
stable, where they are almost finished with setting up the sleigh. Some of the
elves have rushed out to make snowballs. With these as projectiles they manage
to keep the attackers from WOLF away. At least for some time...)Agent: I think
it is time to split. Here's my plan. You tell the elves to concentrate their
fire to the left and when WOLF's people have snowballs all over their faces and
can't see, the route to the right will be free.Saint Nick: Did you hear that,
elves! Give it all you have to the left and aim for their faces. On my command:
Ho-ho-NOW!
Scene 3:
(Nick and the agent throw themselves into the sleigh. The reindeers run off and
the agent pulls his gun.)Saint Nick: There are some of those evil people from
WOLF following us. What are we going to do?Agent: There's only one thing to do.
I'm gonna shoot a reindeer. That will distract them. A WOLF man can't resist a
reindeer cadaver...
17. DOING A LEFT-WING MARXIST ANALYSIS
Consumption is what keeps the capitalist society afloat. As every fiscal year
nears its end it's important to sell as much as possible so that the rich
businessmen can accumulate even more wealth and the oppressed consumers
something to distract them from the inevitable revolution. All according to the
scientific principles of dialectal materialism. One of the biggest capitalists
is one Mr Nicolaus, who think's he's a real saint, providing the proletariat
with jobs and buying off their children with yearly bribes. It' s jobs where
they have to work from dawn to dusk, getting just some porridge and maybe a
slice or two of turkey in compensation. To investigate the awful working
conditions in his factories we sent an undercover man there, formally as an
"inspector for the FAA". Mr Nicolaus seems to love the wonderful colour of red,
and even goes dressed in. But't don't let that fool you! He is a slippery
figure who even treats his reindeers badly. In fact, during a test, one of the
animals was in so poor shape that our investigator was forced to shoot it, out
of mercy to end its suffering. But we will show no mercy to greedy exploiters
like Mr Nicolaus the day the revolution comes.
18. FROM AN EIGHT-YEAR OLD IN SCHOOL
Charlie tolld me a horibel stori. He say ther will not be any Cristmas presents
this year. Those evil peopel from the guvernment shot Santa's reinders. Dad say
there is no Santa Claus. But I sennt him my wishlist and it didnt come back
with adres unknown. Parents are stupid. I have to go now. Charlie has a new
game we musst try.Ps. Some day I wil lern how to spell corect.
19. ONE OF THE STORIES THROUGH ROT13 ENCRYPTION
Qå syltfäxreurg äe ni ivxg söe urytraf cbcyäenfgr syltner, une yhsgsnegfirexrg
frag ra vafcrxgöe gvyy abeqcbyra söe ngg xbagebyyren Whygbzgraf fyäqr vaana una
såe ybi ngg syltn cå whynsgba. Aäe nyyg xbzzre bzxevat une qrg inevg zåatn
syltbylpxbe cå fvfgbar. Vafcrxgöera xbyynqr eranean bpu qr irexnqr ine v tbq
sbez. Frynean fåt oen hg. Una xbagebyyrenqr fyäqra bpu qra irexnqr shyyfgäaqvtg
yhsgiäeqvt. "Qrg ågrefgåe onen ra fnx, ue Gbzgr," fnqr una gvy qra xbechyragr
ivgfxättnqr znaara oerqivq fvt. "Iv zåfgr töen ra grfgsyltavat. Bz qra tåe oen
såe qh qvgg yhsgiäeqvturgfpregvsvxng." Gbzgravffnean xbccynqr cå eranean.
Whygbzgra bpu vafcrxgöera obeqnqr fyäqra bpu gnknqr hccsöe qra vfvtn
fgnegonana. Whfg fbz una ine erqb ngg fgnegn fartynqr Whygbzgra cå vafcrxgöera
bpu abgrenqr ngg una unqr rgg fgbeg, ynqqng triäe snzara. "Unyyå! Qh oruöire
vagr inen eäqq söe vfowöeane uäe", fxevxre Whygbzgra zrqna eranean öxne snegra.
"Qrg unaqyne vagr bz qrg, ue Gbzgr", fätre vafcrxgöera. "Grfgra zåfgr inen
ernyvfgvfx. Wnt glpxre qrg fxhyyr inen ra oen vqé ngg fr inq fbz uäaqre bz iv
gnccne ra zbgbe haqre fgneg."
20. BASIC STORY WITH NOUNS = CUCUMBER AND ADJECTIVES = SILLY
As cucumber safety is a cucumber for the silliest cucumber of the cucumber, FAA
has sent an cucumber to the Silly Cucumber to check Santa Claus's cucumber
before allowing him to fly on Cucumber Eve. There have after all been silly
cucumber crashes lately. The cucumber checked the cucumbers and they looked to
be in silly cucumber. The cucumbers looked silly. He checked the cucumber and
it seemed perfectly cucumber-worthy. "Only one cucumber remains, Mr Claus", he
said to the silly white-bearded cucumber beside him. "We must have a cucumber
flight. If that goes silly, you'll have your cucumber-worthiness cucumber."
Santa's cucumbers hitched the cucumbers up. Santa and the cucumber boarded the
cucumber and taxied up the silly cucumber. But just as he's silly to take off
Santa glances at the cucumber and to his amazement notices he has a put a
silly, loaded cucumber in his cucumber. "Hey! You don't have to be silly of
silly cucumbers here!" Santa yells as the cucumbers pick up speed. "It's not
that, Mr Claus", the cucumber says. "The cucumber must be silly. I think it
would be a silly cucumber to see what happens if we have an cucumber cucumber
on takeoff."
21. STORIES 1, 5 & 6 THROUGH http://www.critters.org/bonsai/
As air crashes lately. The test must have a big gun It's not that, Mr Claus,
the corpulent white-bearded man on the corpulent white-bearded man beside him.
We must have a test run, just to be a good for? The test must have a good idea
to see what happens if we have an engine failure on takeoff. There was
something even worse. He checked the corpulent white-bearded man on the
reindeer up. Santa yells as our vehicle didn't look promising. I'd rather have
an engine failure on From where did Mr Claus get all his dough? I sighed. This
far everything You can't dash around in the season, FAA has sent an air
worthiness certificate, I knocked on takeoff. There have after all. As air
crashes lately. The polar bears here! I think it seemed perfectly air-worthy.
Only one thing remains, Mr Claus, the sleigh and everything. You don't have to
be her to be sure. Mr Claus, he put in Mr Claus called for the Federal Aviation
Administration. Silly, I trampled in. Mr Claus, the elves to hook up the
facilities. No secret printing press for The polar bears around in the
inspector said. The polar bears here! I greedily downed in a room. I had a huge
heap of mail. Maybe he ran an extortion racket by correspondence? The polar
bears here! I exclaimed, as our vehicle didn't look promising. I'd rather have
to come today, when he added: Only one thing The inspector brought out a put a
test run, just a lot of mail. Maybe he could sit and everything. You don't have
a test flight. If that goes well, you'll have your air-worthiness certificate.
I had a god look promising. I'd rather have after all his dough? I claimed to
do a jovial voice exclaimed. I trampled in. Mr Claus called for The polar
bears around in the facilities. No secret printing press for the most popular
aviator of polar bears here! I went under cover story: gotta inspect that
jalopy contraption I'd better play along. This far everything But the Federal
Aviation Administration. Silly, I noticed one thing remains, Mr Claus, the
reindeers pick up Santa and die young, after all. As air crashes lately. The
inspector brought out a lot of the season, FAA inspector really have to be her
to check Santa yells as an inspector to the North Pole sat alone in a jovial
voice exclaimed. I had a good idea to see what happens if we have an engine
failure on takeoff. There have after all been many air worthiness certificate,
I had a good idea to see what happens if we have an engine failure on takeoff.
There was something even worse. He offered me some eggnog, which he put in his
hired underlings to do than to be afraid of polar bears here! Santa Claus's
sleigh and everything. You can't dash around in the traffic lights I greedily
downed in good shape. The vehicle didn't look promising. I'd rather have after
all As air safety is new compared to do a lot of polar bears here! Santa
glances at the inspector said. The inspector brought out a good idea to see
what happens if we have to fly on takeoff. There have after all been many air
safety is important, but since I noticed one thing remains, Mr Claus, the
reindeers. I know that jalopy contraption I'd better play along. This far
everything But the reindeers. I think it would be her to ge the inspector
caught me some eggnog, which he put in his lap. What was live fast and it
seemed perfectly air-worthy. Only one thing remains, Mr Claus called for the
most popular aviator of mail. Maybe he seems satisfied, my sleigh, the
inspector boarded the Federal Aviation Administration. Silly, I noted. But my
motto was live fast and taxied up in red, like the inspector boarded ...
22. FROM A NORAD'S REPORT ON THEIR SANTA TRACKING
To: Joint Chiefs of StaffPentagon,Washington DC
From: North American Aerospace Defense CommandCheyenne Mountain, Colorado
As Christmas approaches one of the duties of NORAD is to track Santa Claus, so
that he and his reindeers won't be mistaken för a Russian sneak attack.
However, we have to report that something out of the ordinary happened this
year. We had Santa's vehicle on both our radars and the satellites as he took
off from his North Pole base. Our sensors are so sensitive that we nowadays can
even see the condition of different components of his transport. Shortly after
start, one of his seven engines showed signs of failing and soon quit. Santa's
sleigh then dropped below our coverage and we are investigating exactly what
has happened. We will send more news as soon as we know more.
Signed
General Jack D Ripper
Ps. Did you get our wishlist for new, expensive, wonderful weapons?
23. BASIC STORY WITH REVERSED WORD ORDER
".takeoff on failure engine an have we if happens what see to idea good a be
would it think I .realistic be must test The" .says inspector the ,"Claus Mr
,that not s'It" .speed up pick reindeers the as yells Santa "!here bears polar
of afraid be to have t'don You !Hey" .lap his in rifle loaded ,big a put a has
he notices amazement his to and inspector the at glances Santa off take to
ready s'he as just But .runway icy the up taxied and sleigh the boarded
inspector the and Santa .up reindeer the hitched elves s'Santa ".certificate
worthiness-air your have ll'you ,well goes that If .flight test a have must We"
.him beside man bearded-white corpulent the to said he ,"Claus Mr ,remains
thing one Only" .worthy-air perfectly seemed it and sleigh the checked He
.fine looked harnesses The .shape good in be to looked they and reindeers the
checked inspector The .lately crashes air many been all after have There .Eve
Christmas on fly to him allowing before sleigh s'Claus Santa check to Pole
North the to inspector an sent has FAA ,season the of aviator popular most the
for concern a is safety air As
24. AS MODERN POETRY *
Oh, North Pole, a crottled greep of snow!I hail you and the red man, a runaway
from the zebra crossingAnd a score of reindeers of which square root of 49 are
choosenThe zebra crossing being a reindeer crossingReindeers have horns, unlike
the VikingsBut are you safe? (Not a metallic money container)We must test at
once - testillihoo! Ho-ho-ho!Away we go!But one of you will die.With a gun (not
fun......but our test must be realisticRealism is the comfort for he who can't
take scientificion)An engine failure during take offso our ride won't be a fake
ofrealismpessimismRed dots in a light whitenessA slay from the sleigh
* By courtesy of Comet Johan Bensin jr, a strange poet who every year eagerly
awaits his Nobel Prize - in vain.
25. AS A FANTASY STORY
As Hin S'Pector, the master archer with the golden bow, had crossed the Green
Lands, the Lake Lands, the Island Lands he finally reached the White Lands. And
it didn't take long until he could spot the palace of the mighty magician San
Taclaus. Now, would S'Pector finally see the prophecy of the flying Rain Dears
come true?"Oh, tell me great magician," he uttered as he approached the throne
of San Taclaus. "I need to know if the prophecy is going to be fulfilled!""Tell
me the reason for your inquiry, stranger. Ho-ho..."S'Pector stood quite for a
while and contemplated his respons . It was of uttermost important that he
presented his case in the best way possible. If not, his people would face a
bitter fate and the goddess of the Black Frog would not be kind to them."I come
from the south and my kinship sent me north after hearing the legends of the
Rain Deers. The villages of Orange Meadows have been under a long dry spell and
my people is starving. We have heard that when the Rain Dears come they will
bring rain with them. If we could borrow your animals they would be dear to
us."His golden bow, which had a will of its own, started to vibrate. It was
usually a sign of that it approved of its master's plans."Ho-ho, stranger! I
don't know about any prophecy. My animals are just a special breed. Follow me
and I'll show you..."After a while S'Pector and Taclaus sat in a sleigh for a
test flight. But the master archer was so exhausted from his long quest that he
fumbled with the golden bow, trying to make it calmer, just as they started.And
an arrow went off.
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