[ SHOWGSD-L ] Pocket Taser
- From: "Marie Fedorow-Regal Thunder" <rthunder@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <showgsd-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2006 19:10:46 -0500
(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Marie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is
to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was
working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Marie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my dog Gia looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gia (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gia looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I
had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return.
Still in shock, Nick
p.s. this is NOT A TRUE STORY
marie Fedorow
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