Hi all
I enjoyed reading these, a great variety. My thoughts below.
Julie x
David
Such a fine title leading into an equally fine first stanza where the only
thing I’d change is putting in some punctuation, so a comma after ‘seven’ and
‘you’ and a full stop after ‘know’ (which you’d then need to continue
throughout). I like the second half of the next stanza and would replace the
second ‘let’s say’ with just ‘and’ to avoid repetition. A poignant point you
make about elephants in the third stanza because yes, they may no longer exist
then and I’m not sure about the reference to being twelve again in the final
stanza, feel this dilutes the first somehow. The ending is fab, love that song.
Rach
A beautiful poem about the relationship between a girl and her grandpa. So much
to love – ‘the Parkland’s storybook dark’, ‘As the world beyond the trucks and
traders found its daytime shape’ and the ending cracks the heart. I want to
replace ‘swept’ in the second line with ‘washed’ to echo the dawn air brimming
with the other liquids and the third ‘street’ after the title and first line
with just ‘it’ (I’d also include a comma after ‘stride’). You have quite a few
instances of ‘memory’ and waft’ throughout so suggest reviewing these (e.g.
‘between this world and the last’ rather than ‘memory’) and would replace the
second reference to ‘shiny red shoes’ with ‘feet’ so as not to detract from the
first. Gums sliding past the window didn’t feel quite right to me – ‘ghosted’
maybe to heighten the by-gone era?
Mike
You’ve definitely got the knack for these Golden Shovels. Must try me one. This
describes the perfect night out – catching up, sharing, drinking, dancing. I
absolutely love ‘to string out the night like Christmas lights’ as well as
‘walk the city dark’, ‘sift the possibilities’ and ‘decant our thoughts’. I
have an urge to end the poem on ‘world’ but I know you can’t, so the only other
suggestion I have is to try the speech in italics for a more contemporary feel
and to reflect the contemporary feel of the poem.
Jen
Wonderful poem bookended with a stunning opening and ending. Just adore ‘Skins
glossing everywhere in the half-light of this photograph’ and ‘a world so
endless, so intense, entering the forever blue of my eyes’, which got me
thinking – maybe ‘Forever blue’ as the title? I like the lines about the
moments and read it as them becoming ‘slim’ thus ‘sacred objects’ – is this
what you meant? Or did you mean they were ‘slim, sacred objects’? (I prefer the
distinction). In the second stanza, I’d consider losing the comma after
‘willing’ and the third ‘I’, and feel you have too many instances of ‘remember’
here, perhaps there’s another word you can pick.
Gaby
A lovely title and again another poem bookended with a brilliant opening and
ending, particularly the ending as it leaves the reader with hope. The couplets
work well too. I love the lines ‘I’d like to think that life eventually orients
towards happiness’ and ‘a mosquito-hazed raft ride down some hellish river’,
just fab. With the two references to ‘earth’, do you mean the planet or the
ground? If the first, it should really be title case. I don’t think you need
‘the backward momentum of’ in line 8 as the gun recoiling denotes this and
wonder if ‘knobbly’ would be better than ‘knobbed’ for the ‘cypress knees’? I’d
also replace ‘made’ in line 17 with ‘had’.
