Feedback Fortnight #1
*Heather*
I love the easy flow of the stuff you’re writing these days, and this is a
good example. I don’t mind the title – it’s quite intriguing and a clever
play on the subject matter. Great idea to do a haibun. I love the word play
e.g. “exhausted”, “Chain-smoking”, “earth’s lungs”, and the referencing
back from your covid time by the lake to the sky-diving days.
I think the first para and haiku are really strong – somehow the second
doesn’t flow as well so maybe some more time tightening it up.
Some minor suggestions. I tripped on the not seeing distant houses bit – my
mind says that if you’ve counted them, you’ve seen them, plus you bring
them back in later in the para. If you’re writing for an Australian / U.K.
audience, perhaps say aeroplanes or just planes instead of airplanes. You
could use planes again in the first haiku, thought jets is fine too. “Dents
on patches of tarmac” – would “cast shadows” make more sense? – denting
tarmac doesn’t quite make sense to me. Maybe reverse “died or hunted for
pasta sauce” – it reads as if people died for pasta sauce ;-) Maybe it will
come to that.
In the 2nd part, “big bucks” sounds a bit coarse – can you soften it? Could
maybe tighten up by removing a few words e.g. “continually”, maybe say
“businessman friend” and lose “He’s a businessman”. I like “two large
chambers echoing loss” – could you extend that into a heart metaphor
through this section? “Cage of nullity” also trips me – not sure I can
envisage one, though maybe that’s what you intend. The 2nd haiku – I think
the 3rd line needs to be stronger to finish off the piece – maybe a heart
reference?
*Gaby*
Great to see you doing a form poem. It has a lovely, old fashioned feel to
it. You’ve rhymed it well, so full marks.
Few nitpicky suggestions: the repeating line “Time was still …” Would
“stood still” work better?
“Yellow morning …” maybe lose “still”
The “on our backs….” line is a bit clunky. Can you adjust to make it
smoother?
I like the hourglass metaphor but not sure it makes sense with “Noon’s
glare”. An hourglass measures the passing of time, whereas noon’s glare is,
to me, a specific time.
Stanza 4 – again 1st line, can it be made smoother – maybe lose “ever”
Stanza 5 – not sure I get the idea of the good mind staying away. Maybe I’m
being too literal
Last stanza –if you made it iambic –“we stayed up late..”
2nd line – needs to be smoother and lose some syllables.
*Rach*
The sadness of the 2nd half overwhelms the anxiety /excitement of the 1st
half. Which is good but nagging in the back of my brain wonders if (*cliché
alert) there are 2 poems here, both of which would be great. The title is
brilliant, covers both themes. Love “footprints like exotic southern
continents”. Not so sure about kryptonite. Love the ‘t’s in the “stride
threaded …..” line. Is that a proest? Wonder about being alone in a *pas de
deux* though maybe it’s the wonder and tension dancing – just made me
pause. Really identify with the stress of public transport in a foreign
country. Love the pastures boiling with colour and cowbells. Not sure about
hiking boots more familiar than toes.
The last 4 stanzas are pretty much perfect and so, so sad. The only bit I
wasn’t sure of was “days pass coated in fish hooks”. But that may be just
me, because it brings up an image of 60s skinheads who used to put fish
hooks along the underside of their coat lapels, so that if anyone grabbed
them, they’d be stuck in the perfect position to be “nutted”.
*Julie*
*(Hope you’re recovering well Jools. Thinking of you).*
This is great Julie. Stark, direct, confronting. Love the title and the
opening line is brilliant. Wouldn’t change much at all. Some minor things: 2
nd line, maybe another word for ‘cold’ which seems a bit bland compared to
it’s surrounding words, although it does half-rhyme with “full” which is
nice. Next 2 couplets are great, my only quibble being: what does “It”
refer to? Not the chair, is it “treatment”? Love the “newborn naked”, so
much stronger than just “naked”. Couplet 5 – maybe a less common word than
“music”. But if you didn’t change a thing, it is still stunning. Well done.
*Jen*
I love this story of your mind wandering off alone, leaving your lover
behind, and then returning. That’s a great ‘device’. The title is probably
a temporary on, so something more striking would attract attention in a
ToC. Lots of lovely images. Favourite 2 lines: “I am a mote, a ghost not/a
final accidental in the music score” (though I’d probably drop “music”).
Other minor suggestions: I’d lose the opening line and go straight into “I
step into ..” “Smack” is a bit harsh, something softer like “bounce”. “High
shined” – I think “shine” works better. I wondered if gooseberry bushes
have thorns, and in googling it came up with this little gem: “"Gooseberry
bush" was 19th-century slang for pubic hair, and from this comes the saying
that babies are "born under a gooseberry bush"”. Hopefully not many readers
will make that connection ;-) Wonder if you could replace “swinging,
exploring, inventing” with less common words? Wouldn’t change much in
stanza 2. Final stanza: not sure about “canvas of recall” – it’s sort of
spelling it out a bit. Love “freewheel scream…”. Love the unusual colours.
*David*
I’m a huge Jordi Savall fan, ever since “Tous les matins du monde”. Also
love your music referenced poems, so it’s hard for me to find anything
wrong with this. Also makes me realise how much more you know about
classical music than I do, but I comfort myself in knowing (I reckon) more
about Brit underground (not the tube) music of the late 60s/70s. This is a
wonderful stream of consciousness poem taking the reader from your recliner
on a magical, musical tour and ending up with corona virus, philosophers
and abusive priests. What is there to criticise. It’s wonderful.
Mike
