A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor
was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a
prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are
birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I
assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you
sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes,
dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the
glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe
me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous
woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it
so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this
nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so
she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your
mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question
was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of
seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really
don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You
lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times
up!' "
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was
raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said
the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their
husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and
says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy!
They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he
says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers
"Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies,
what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a
pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously
and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren,
21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole
where the crematorium used to be.
