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From: laughing_stalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:laughing_stalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On ;
Behalf Of Erik Deckers erik.deckers@xxxxxxxxx [laughing_stalk]
Sent: Friday, March 10, 2017 12:22 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: [Laughing Stalk] This week's Laughing Stalk -- New Department of
Zombie Defense Created
New Department of Zombie Defense Created Erik Deckers Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2017
Withers: Hello, and welcome to members of the media. My name is Richard
Withers, and I am the Director of the newly-formed Department of Zombie Defense.
Last week, the President created this department through executive order to
help us combat the rising threat of zombie attack, both from outside our
borders and within our very own country. He asked myself—
Voice from the back: Not "myself." Just say "me."
Withers: —to head up the newly created Department. And as a long-time
Mar-A-Lago club member, I was happy to accept.
(Reporters hands shoot into the air, several people call "Mr. Withers, Director
Withers.")
Withers: If you'll all be patient, I'll get through this opening statement, and
then we will allow a few question from some hand-selected pre-approved media
outlets.
(Reporters from Breitbart wink and shoot finger guns at Withers.)
Withers: Now, there have been rumors that the President created the department
after spotting Kellyanne Conway in the Oval Office when the lights were off.
This is completely untrue. Ms. Conway is not allowed in the Oval Office after
6:00 p.m.
ABC News reporter: Will we be able to interview Kellyanne?
Withers: Oh hell no. She's not allowed near a TV camera anymore.
CNN reporter: Mr. Withers, the President has previously been tricked by
documentaries on cable news channels, such as the nonexistent Swedish terrorist
attack. Is there any chance he was watching Walking Dead reruns on AMC?
Withers: We're not ready for questions yet. Who let you in here?
CNN Reporter: Uh, Greg did. Yeah, it was Greg, from, uh, the White House. He
said it was totally cool that we came here, and he told us to tell you 'Hey.'
NPR reporter: Yeah, Greg sent us too. He said you guys should get drinks soon.
And that we could ask questions.
Withers: He did? Okay then. Now where were we?
CNN reporter: I had asked if the President had accidentally been watching
Walking Dead reruns again.
Withers: No, absolutely not. The President is focused 100 percent on leading
this country back to greatness again. He may watch, uh, briefing videos from
time to time, as part of his information gathering process, but he is focused
on creating jobs, protecting our borders, and promoting his company brand.
NPR reporter: What actually inspired the President to start the Department of
Zombie Defense?
Withers: Earlier this week, my staff and myself—
Voice from the back: Don't say "myself." Just say "I."
Withers: —received official government reports that were gathered by an
official government agency and not from an Internet story. According to these
official government reports, a radio station in Winchester, Indiana began
broadcasting an alert message that bodies of the dead were rising from their
graves and attacking living citizens. My staff and myself—
Voce from the back: Don't say "myself!" That's never correct.
Withers: —also received reports of these living corpses carrying diseases which
could also turn people into zombies.
Breitbart reporter: Will these victims be covered under the new healthcare plan?
Withers: That depends on whether their death was caused by the disease, or if
they had a preexisting condition like pregnancy.
Female reporter: Excuse me, but pregnancy is not a preexisting condition. It's
necessary to the creation of life.
Withers: Excuse me, ma'am. I used to be the CEO of a major medical software
company. I think I would know if pregnancy was a preexisting condition or not.
Breitbart reporter: How will the brave men and women — mostly men, I imagine —
of the Department of Zombie Defense train against these mindless killers?
Withers: Our field agents, as well as hand-chosen professionals from select
states, will spend their first weeks watching training videos, including Day of
the Dead — both the Steve Miner and George Romero versions — Shaun of the Dead,
and Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. They will also participate in training
simulators including Duke Nukem and the zombie mode in Call of Duty: Infinite
Warfare.
MSNBC Reporter: Director Withers, are you sure this isn't just some ploy to
spend taxpayer money on yet another government witch hunt based on some
questionable research and decision making by the White House?
Withers: Actually, the Department of Zombie Defense's purview does not include
witches, wizards, or necromancers, although myself—
Voice from the back: Sweet Jebus, are you doing it on purpose?
Withers: —will be speaking to the President about that as soon as possible. We
do not believe the threat from witches is a real one.
However, we are exploring the idea that the Wiccans may somehow be responsible
for the Indiana zombie outbreak. If they are, we will liaise with the National
Science Foundation and begin rounding up known witches and placing them in
Guantanamo Bay for observation.
Finally, after watching the documentary, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, the
President has asked us to draft a watchlist of known hypnotists, mind
controllers, and people with those weird spinny eyes.
That's all for now. We will have regular news briefings if anything of interest
occurs.
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Posted by: Erik Deckers <erik.deckers@xxxxxxxxx>
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